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Friday Yuk

By rob mekel ·
Tags: Off Topic
Some one-liners to start this weeks Friday Yuk.

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I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
------
Enjoy and have a great weekend all.
alltho this last one can be hilarious to :)

Rob

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Thanks :)

by stargazerr In reply to SG! [b]THERE [/b] you ar ...

Thanks a million for that welcome GG ... And nope I didnt bribe .. Maybe the powers to be at TR made a welcome back gift out of it ?

And yep .. u owe me an email ...

Its grrrrrreat to be back !!!

]:)

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oh by the way

by stargazerr In reply to SG! [b]THERE [/b] you ar ...

Just updated my contact details ... From oxford to London .. Lets see how many years it takes this time for the details to show up

]:)

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Hey, Us_Geeks_Rule

by DMambo In reply to Code for sex

Good to have you back!!

Hope all is well with you. :)

Mambo

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Definately

by stargazerr In reply to Hey, Us_Geeks_Rule

Now that I am back .. The world is the right way up again

Still need to walk around an get a feel of the "new" TR ....

]:)

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military truisms

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

All battles are fought uphill and in the rain.

Tracers works both ways.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

War is like love. To triumph, you must make
contact.

It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.

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shocking

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

Paddy the electrician has been sacked from the prision service for refusing to fix the electric chair.
He said its a ****ing deathtrap!!

_______

Two 10 year olds have been dating for a while and they decide to have sex. As they lay there afterwards, the man thinks to himself "my god, if i'd have known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle"
The woman lay there thinking "my god if i'd known the old boy could actually get it up i'd have taken my tights off"

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Colin and the Pope

by Kiltie In reply to Friday Yuk

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name! anyone else," Colin says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, "Who the #%@ is that on the balcony with Colin?"

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Doctor's

by BigAbe In reply to Friday Yuk

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a rip ?"
--------------------------------------------
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

by lorddragondan In reply to Friday Yuk

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

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