After Hours·5,455 discussions

Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

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[b][i][u]Women’s revenge[/b][/i][/u]

1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long
enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get
started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t
work.

6. How do men define a “50/50” relationship? We cook-they eat; we
clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear
shoes.

9. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE He
just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.

11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

12. What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you
his real name.

13. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the
remote control between his toes.

14. What’s the smartest thing a man can say? “My wife says…”

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can
understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from
grazing.

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Topic

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Bad Dawg

I don’t know

In reply to BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I liked it. I’ll send Soni the link to it and see what she thinks.

Thanks for the chuckle!

In reply to I don’t know

I’m OOO tomorrow, so I’m glad I got to see this Friday Yuk on Thursday. 🙂

Nice!

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Made me laugh 😀

Have one for ya..

When “INSERT YOUR GOD HERE” made man why was the crack in our butt up and down and not left to right?

Because if we slid down a banister we would go,

pppppppppppppppppppp

😀

A twist on that one

In reply to Nice!

I heard that in school except it was why aren’t Chinese girls allowed to slide down the bannisters at school?

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Racist and rude but still, woah eh?

on an Asian theme

In reply to A twist on that one

[b]Why It’s Important To Understand English[/b]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line…….

Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change??Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.

Niiiice one

In reply to on an Asian theme

I spend a lot of time in Richmond, BC, Asians are the majority population(not an exaggeration, an actual fact over 61%)due to a nutty PM who opened the flood gates in the 90’s. So there’s a whole lot of old town people that appreciate such jokes.

ROFL

In reply to on an Asian theme

I gotta send that to someone!

2 Funny

Gotta remember that one.

In reply to on an Asian theme

Reminds me of the Ed Zachary disease story.
🙂

But, but,…

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Nope. Couldn’t find one to rebut.

What’s the fastest thing in the world; faster than a speeding bullet???

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied ‘A thought. It pops into your
head, there’s no forewarning that it’s on the way,
it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.
‘That’s very good’ replied the interviewer.

‘And now you, sir,’ he asked the second man.
‘Hmmm, let me see….. a blink!,’ said the
second man. ‘It comes and goes and you don’t know
it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The
blink of an eye’ That’s a very popular clich?? for
speed.’ He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply

‘Well, out on my dad’s property, you step out of
the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you
flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the
barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
fastest thing I can think of.’
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to
beat the speed of light’, he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Irish man, he posed the same question.
‘After hearing the three previous answers, it’s
obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said
the Irish man.
‘What!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh, I can explain’, said the Irish man, ‘You
see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for
the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on
the light, I sh!t my pants.’

He got the job………….

Actually

In reply to What’s the fastest thing in the world; faster than a speeding bullet???

it’s a government worker. He gets off work at 4:30, but he’s always home by 3:45 🙂

a Congressman

In reply to Actually

needs to read through 800 pages and finishes it before he ever opens it.
Then votes and is at home before lunch starts.

Another one….I heard when I was in politics….

In reply to Actually

Why are their white lines painted down the middle of the corridors of government offices?

…so that the employees arriving late don’t bump into the employees leaving early…

James

Same day

In reply to Actually

or the day after 😉 😀

[i]dang emoticons[/i]

Oh

In reply to What’s the fastest thing in the world; faster than a speeding bullet???

I thought it was an Ethiopian with a sandwich

Faster than a speeding bullet

In reply to What’s the fastest thing in the world; faster than a speeding bullet???

I guess I never realized that bullets have speed limits to
adhere to.

ROFLMAO!

In reply to What’s the fastest thing in the world; faster than a speeding bullet???

Bone

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Good Dawg. 😀

How many IT staff does it take to change an OS

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

15 – One to do the work and 14 to argue whether Windows or Linux is better.

Not so fast….

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

And just how does this translate into “Women’s revenge”???

>>>6. How do men define a “50/50” relationship? We cook-they eat; we
clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

I think you sneaked a man’s revenge in there!

-Tammy 🙂

Gee Tammy

In reply to Not so fast….

I don’t cook at my house. He does. Cleans up too.

I do a lot of the general cleaning though.

He both makes and fetches the coffee.

I do the laundry but mostly he does his ironing.

Not a bad deal if you can get it!

I want that deal!!

In reply to Gee Tammy

On rare occassion I hear the words “Honey, don’t worry I’ll make dinner tonight” – which translates to – I’ll bring home pizza 🙂

I don’t iron though – I refuse to – I don’t even own clothes that need ironing (who invented that torturous thing anyway??) – told him when we got married – you buy anything that needs ironing, you either do it yourself or just pretend the wrinkled look is the new fad.

I do , do everything else though – the cleaning, laundry, dusting, mopping, etc… He helps by getting his clothes close to the hamper.

-Tammy 🙂

that’s not a deal Tig

In reply to Gee Tammy

I don’t cook at my house. He does. Cleans up too.

Translates into: My cooking is inedible and I’m a slob.
>>
I do a lot of the general cleaning though.

Translates into: I do have a whip ’round with the vac once a year just so I can say I help too.
>>
He both makes and fetches the coffee.

Translates into: My coffee is like mud but even the kids won’t go near it, and I can’t walk without spilling it everywhere,
>>
I do the laundry but mostly he does his ironing.

Translates into: After pulling clothes out of the dryer, they are left all wringkly in the hamper. In order to look good enough for his mistress, he’s forced to iron his own shirts.
>>
Not a bad deal if you can get it!
Translates into: What a fool, he STILL thinks I can’t cook, [i](snicker, snicker)[/i]

Now wait just a darned minute there, Oz

In reply to that’s not a deal Tig

I can too cook. I just don’t CHOOSE to. And he doesn’t
CHOOSE to starve!

Very funny stuff!

:^0 :^0

In reply to that’s not a deal Tig

So, Tiggs little secrets are out (translated and everything) :^0

What secret?

In reply to :^0 :^0

Nothing I haven’t said before.

I’d watch myself if I were you. I’m exploring my inner b*tch
today.

Oops!!!

In reply to What secret?

Of course

In reply to Oops!!!

You’re cute and I love your emoticons. How can I get a better
class of emoticons?

Scour the web

In reply to Oops!!!

and copy them to photobucket 😀

I was going to post this, however, I thought the others a better choice

Tres cool!

In reply to Oops!!!

I love the shark one. It is available on another board I am a
member of.

Here you go Tigger – Approximately 478 emoticons

In reply to Oops!!!

http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa12/sharewhat2/Emoticons/

SWEET!!!

In reply to Oops!!!

Thanks Ropes! Now all I have to do is make them work!

Getting them to work is easy.

In reply to Oops!!!

Simply copy the HTML code and paste it into a reply where you want it to appear and that’s it. I usually trim down the code a bit but it’ll work as is.

Let me see if I got this right…

In reply to Oops!!!

Testing

YIPPEE!!!

In reply to Oops!!!

I am now very happy! Thanks Ropes!

It works for me in FF3 Tigger but not in Opera

In reply to Oops!!!

I usually trim everything in the code that doesn’t have a bit to do with the *img src* tag. There’s a bunch of junk in the front of it and a bit behind it too. Highlight the garbage and cut it. 🙂

This is a test.

In reply to Oops!!!

This is only a test. Had anything of real value been presented here, you would have noticed.

Huh, lookie there. Now they’re working in Opera

In reply to Oops!!!

Must’ve been I was getting too impatient or something. Couldn’t be a problem with Opera. :p

Oooh, more to steal

In reply to Oops!!!

Thanks Ropes — its not like

Scumdog

In reply to Oops!!!

I thought you’d post your Photobucket album to share too. Guess you’re going to make me view the page/image source aren’t you?

BTW-How many hits do you have? I’ve got 14,500 with another 14 days to go.

I thought about it, but forgot the logon

In reply to Oops!!!

yes, I could click the link, however it is auto logon on a different system.
well, so I thought. Ends up in my ‘cleanup’ I cleaned out the cookies and screwed it up :0

So, I had to figure it out. When at work I use my cheat sheet — however I just remembered to pull it off of the PCLOS drive which is having issues 🙁 That puts all but 1 Linux system of mine with HDD issues in the last few months 🙁
Anyway, I figured it out. Here is the link (btw, you have way more emoticons).

http://s230.photobucket.com/albums/ee314/techman03/emoticons/

oh and
Monthly Hits 129090

A thought OTR

In reply to Oops!!!

I just looked at your #’s and am confused. Maybe, mine have more hits due to naming the items ?:|
Aside from that, I think you have a better album

You always get a TON of hits Scumdog.

In reply to Oops!!!

It may be because you label them. I’m not going to make the effort.

My hits for all of my albums together don’t equal yours for one album. I’ll live with it somehow.

great minds think alike

In reply to Not so fast….

I was typing this as you were posting.
http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=278677&messageID=2638559

Then again, stupid minds seldom differ but at least we’re on the same page, even if it is just the ads on the back page.

Better to be on the back page…

In reply to great minds think alike

.. than no page at all 😀

-Tammy 🙂

Yeah – just to see if someone’s awake at the switch. :^0

In reply to Not so fast….

Not bad for a hog rider. BTW is it true what they say about Harleys???

Not sure…

In reply to Yeah – just to see if someone’s awake at the switch. :^0

Next time I see him I’ll ask 😉 :p

-Tammy 🙂

No not at all Taminkins

In reply to Not so fast….

If Dawg had of sneaked in a Mans revenge he would have listed the meaning of the word [b]W.I.F.E.[/b] Honest. 😀

Col ]:)

With oh so rare exception,

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

too true. B-)
Thanks for the grin on a gritty day.

etu

Seen most of those as Men’s revenge

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Most fit if you reverse the roles, especiallly the one abotu men and lawnmowers. Women are hard to get started, not men. 🙂

Were you just being nice and decided to rewrite them for women’s benefit instead? Or are you now officially ‘metrosexual’?

Women hard to get started…

In reply to Seen most of those as Men’s revenge

not if you know what you’re doing. B-)

edit: gets back to ‘oh so rare exception’ 😀

No not at all

In reply to Women hard to get started…

I have been accredited with knowing my way aorund, on more than one occasion.

the difference is, a guy sees a girl and says “sex? Yes okay, I’m ready right now!” A woman has a lot more preflight checking, confirmations, baggage check, a lobby and preflight warmup etc.

In fact you said it yourself, “not if you know what you’re doing”. Obviously agreeing that it takes some skill and knowledge.

For a guy there is no prerequisite other than an interest in receiving him, even that’s not really a need, you can kick and scream too, it’ll still work.

Just point me in the general direction of the sex and I’ll be fine from there, in fact I’ll use it like a divining rod and find it myself; “step aside, wood coming through, watch your head, oops, sorry about that I’m in a hurry because I’m gonna get me some.”

Erm Oz

In reply to Seen most of those as Men’s revenge

Metrosexual? Sleepin Dawg? In what possible parallel
universe?

Nope. Just not possible!

I dunno

In reply to Erm Oz

He’s been caught red handed BS’ing before.

I’d say he’s into pastal pink shirts, carries man bag and has more female ‘friends’ than male. (hmmmm, or was that me in the 80’s?) Mind you I never got into the fanny pack crap, as soon as I started calling them f*g bags, I just couldn’t start wearing one too. 😀

naw, Dawg is

In reply to Seen most of those as Men’s revenge

trisexual.
he’ll try anything sexual, twice. just in case the first time was a mistake. 😀

Country Dinner

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, ‘No mushrooms. They are too high.’

He said, ‘Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.’

She said, ‘No, some wild mushrooms are poison.’

He said, ‘Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.’

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet’s ear. She said, ‘Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.’

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, ‘That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.’

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,
syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, ‘I think everything will be fine now.’ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, ‘You know, that fella that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.’

-Tammy 🙂

OMG

In reply to Country Dinner

I grew up in the country and that was so spot on….

I was not a fan of eating them, but every year we went hunting for puffballs. They were seasonal fungi that were mushroom like, grew to very large sizes. They often thrived in areas used for cow pastures, and there was a high corelation between cow patties and puffballs…..

Some of them were as big as basketballs, but softballs were more likely.

James

ahhh puffer stomping!

In reply to OMG

We used to do that too.. 🙂

Except we never ate them (didn’t know ya could)..We’d stomp on em! ]:)

More fun

In reply to ahhh puffer stomping!

We (Brother, cousins, and I) never stomped puffballs, but we put firecrackers into fresh cowpatties.

Funniest time was when my Uncle, all unknowing, walked right by one when the firecracker exploded. Picture it, fresh gooey cowpattie flying through the air, just to go SPLAT when it hit him.

Luckily, none of us got in trouble because the rule was that if you made the parents laugh they couldn’t punish you. And my uncle was a big practical joker so all the parents looked at it as long overdue revenge.

gotta try that!

In reply to More fun

😀

Eating puffballs

In reply to ahhh puffer stomping!

My mom fried them in lots of butter, stronger smell than normal mushrooms.

Had to eat them in a couple of days after being picked.

I prefer raw mushrooms to fried, so I kinda shied away from them.

James

More about Men

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a
man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the
circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until
next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your
hand?
A man’s undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Now I feel special! :-)

In reply to More about Men

>>>Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.<< -Tammy 😀

I thought of you

In reply to Now I feel special! :-)

When I found that. Just for you!

Showed it to hubby…

In reply to I thought of you

.. for some reason he didn’t find it very funny 😀 😀

-Tammy 😀

Not True

In reply to More about Men

A woman does not need to show me how to use it!!!
She just needs to be there to have it used properly.

A little computer fun

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Well, my terminal’s locked up, and I ain’t got any Mail,
And I can’t recall the last time that my program didn’t fail
I’ve got stacks in my structs, I’ve got arrays in my queues,
I’ve got the : Segmentation violation – Core dumped blues.

If you think that it’s nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain’t the only place with : Bus
error views.
I’ve got the : Segmentation violation – Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would
freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I’d know who I
abuse,
I’ve got the : Segmentation violation – Core dumped blues!

**********

Bill Gates’ Adventures in Heaven

Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise, went to
Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the
reception area.

Heaven’s reception area was the size of Massachusetts.
There were literally millions of people milling about, living
in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were
being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers
with clipboards slowly worked their way through the
crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one
of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young
man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was
wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER
emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

“Hello,” said the staffer in a bored voice that could have
been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy.
“My name is Gabriel and I’ll be your induction
coordinator.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel
interrupted him. “No, I’m not the Archangel Gabriel. I’m
just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a
car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last
name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it’s first
name first.”

“Gates, Bill.” Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of
papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill’s Record of Earthly
Works. “What’s going on here?” asked Bill. “Why are all
these people here? Where’s Saint Peter? Where are the
Pearly Gates?”

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill’s
records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. “It says here
that you were the president of a large software company.
Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter
business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so
people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by
himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion
people on earth. Jesus, when God said to ‘go forth and
multiply,’ he didn’t say ‘like rabbits!’ With that large a
population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a
quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet
them all personally?” “I guess not.”

“You guess right.”

So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the
CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the
corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like
me handle the actual inductions.” Gabriel looked though
his paperwork some more, and then continued. “Your
paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background
like yours, you’ll be getting a plum job assignment.”

“Job assignment?”

“Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity
sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big
operation. You have to pull your weight around here!”
Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the
bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it
to Bill. “Take this down to induction center #23 and meet
up with your occupational orientator. His name is
Abraham.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel
interrupted him. “No, he’s not *that* Abraham.” Bill walked
down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to
induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere
six-hour wait.

“Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure,” explained Abraham. “As you’ve seen, we’re
still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to
process new entries.”

“I had to wait *three* weeks,” said Bill. Abraham stared at
Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he’d made a mistake.
Even in Heaven, it’s best not to contradict a bureaucrat.
“Well,” Bill offered, “maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys
backed up.”

Abraham’s look of anger faded to mere annoyance. “Your
job will be to supervise Heaven’s new data processing
center. We’re building the largest computing facility in
creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-
segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end
server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit
channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing.
The works.”

Bill could barely contain his excitement. “Wow! What a
great job! This is really Heaven!”

“We’re just finishing construction, and we’ll be starting
operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?
”

“You bet!”

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to
Heaven’s new data processing center. It was a truly huge
facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome.
Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the
miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the
center was dominated by the computers. Half a million
computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ….
…. Macintoshes ….
…. all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a
single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using
products that he had spent his whole life working to
destroy was too much for Bill. “What about PCs???” he
exclaimed. “What about Windows??? What about Excel???
What about Word???”

“You’re forgetting something,” said Abraham.

“What’s that?” asked Bill plaintively.

“This is Heaven,” explained Abraham. “We need a
computer system that’s heavenly to use. If you want to
build a data processing center based on PCs running
Windows, then ….

…. GO TO HELL!”

hey…

In reply to A little computer fun

I love my Microsoft Office 🙂

Send one to a friend — or not

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

some of these these e-cards are quite funny.

http://www.someecards.com

Company Policy

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

http://mistupid.com/people/page058.htm

:^0

In reply to Company Policy

:^0

so…

In reply to Company Policy

I should spray people with water!!!

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity ;

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner.

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law

If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every
time).

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases
dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want
to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t
work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
reach.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will
have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face
down on a floor covering are directly related to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are
talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.

Doctors’ Law

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t
make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

oh so true

In reply to THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

😀

Wow — this is totally the truth

In reply to THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

and I thought I was alone with all of these failures…

More company than you can imagine

In reply to Wow — this is totally the truth

We all get to meet Murphy in all his various disguises.

What’s sad is that this is a partial list. There are more. Many
more.

1st one rings true

In reply to THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Had a black weenie on more than one occasion. Its using the nailbrush and FastOrange with pumice afterwards that’s the real drag though. 🙁

Excellent, thanks! :D

In reply to THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

.

Addendum:

In reply to THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Addendum to “Law of Gravity”:

– Retreiving said tool will always require getting burned, cut, or electrocuted.

ha!

In reply to THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

good work, but I have to disagree with the last one. I have been sick for 6 months (a crazy cough), and have been to the doctor two or three times, and I am still sick! 🙁

aha! — But

In reply to ha!

you kept the appointment. You were supposed to show up, realize you were better, and then leave… Shame, shame, shame! You coulda been cured 3 times by now.

Just for Tammy

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said
Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a
wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen
feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a
dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the
length!”

Now THAT’S..

In reply to Just for Tammy

“Blonde’s revenge” 😀 😀 😀

-Tammy 😀

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn’t Working Out

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

14) You discover that “Chesty McBust” isn’t her real name,
and she’s dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large,
hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as
“undeliverable” but as “unlikely to get you anywhere.”

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional
investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a
Vorpal Sword when she learns you’re worth 45,000 points.

10) “Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to
hear from you again.”

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little
Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a
reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her
orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.’s face in the JPEG
she sent because she’s obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his
GIF looks like some geek who works for a software
company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-
promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She’s suddenly changed her address to
comingout@lesbian.com

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your
relationship with the mysterious “tubby@whitehouse.gov”

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of
your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the
geeky 14 year old boy she’d pretended to be.

Okay ladies (I say that,advisedly) here’s your Winter Exercise Routine

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

.
.

If you’re over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it
faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Remember, always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN…

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NOW SCROLL UP..
That’s enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Chocolate. That’s your reward for working soooo hard.

You got me!

In reply to Okay ladies (I say that,advisedly) here’s your Winter Exercise Routine

Good stuff, Dawg! Thanks!

B-) Byte me.

In reply to Okay ladies (I say that,advisedly) here’s your Winter Exercise Routine

😀

Anywhere or anything in particular??? ;) B-) :^0

In reply to B-) Byte me.

.

Just arrived this morning

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg probably placed it there.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid the brown recluse’ll bite me and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Oh, by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

I am very glad

In reply to Just arrived this morning

that I was a part of screwing you up so badly :^0

Thanks Mate

In reply to I am very glad

I will set my spam filter to send them all back to you. :p

Can I ask

In reply to Just arrived this morning

what do we do while we are not participating in the above activities?

sitting in the corner sucking your thumb?

oh wait, I didn’t tell you about corners!!!

Are you gonna tell me about

In reply to Can I ask

corners or do I sit here twiddling. :p

ok

In reply to Are you gonna tell me about

well once upon a time there was a corner… and he went down to the local shop and bought a candy bar… 😀

but long story short the corner was actually the boogieman and he ate 15 children.

A boogieman

In reply to ok

who had a sweet tooth for candy. I always thought that they hung out in your nose. And if you spring someone getting rid of it you say “Trying to pick a winner.”

I have only heard of it as

In reply to A boogieman

“Pick a winner?”

When I was a kid

In reply to I have only heard of it as

my mother was always telling me that the boogiman will get me if I don’t behave. I must have been lucky. 😉

LOOK OUT!

In reply to I have only heard of it as

Behind You!!!

And after this lot tell you all the dangers related to corners

In reply to Are you gonna tell me about

I’ll tell you all about the dangers of not having you back in the corner. :^0

This will totally screw your mind up. :^0 :^0 :^0

Don’t bother thanking me I do it as a Public Service. :p

Col ]:)

THAT

In reply to Just arrived this morning

was an EXCELLENT Laugh

I liked the

In reply to THAT

hand on the mouse. Who uses the keyboard these days. :p

I do!

In reply to I liked the

That’s what the arrow keys are for… B-)

We might have to conduct a survey

In reply to I do!

I am getting to lazy to remove my hand from the mouse and I am only using one finger on the scroll button. It would be interesting to see if anyone else is as lazy as I am. 😉

My laptop is a Mac

In reply to We might have to conduct a survey

I have a Mighty Mouse with a scroll button- one finger use. I
could use gestures on the track pad but that would require
two fingers. I don’t want to work that hard…

It’s funny Tigg

In reply to My laptop is a Mac

there was a time that I wouldn’t even consider using a mouse and now it is only out of my hand when I am typing. Maybe it’s time for me to get back to the keyboard and see if I can still remember how to get around. Yep I will probably do that later, maybe. 😀

Am I weird then?

In reply to We might have to conduct a survey

I use two fingers on the scroll (alternating between pointer and middle fingers)

😀

That makes you not weird, but a SuperFreak :^0

In reply to Am I weird then?

:^0

As an old old-timer

In reply to We might have to conduct a survey

I use the keyboard as much as possible and the mouse only when I have to. You should hear me cuss when I hit a flash or a script that won’t allow me to tab or enter through it.

Besides, one of my jobs in the USAF was so boring I developed mouse-finger from playing so much solitare. Doctor’s orders? Stop using the mouse.

I have often wonderd

In reply to As an old old-timer

if anyone has ever gotten RSI from using a mouse. I must admit that I do like the back and forward buttons and the ability to scroll though. For a few years most of my typing was while standing at a keyboard and moving from PC to PC. That is when the keyboard comes in handy using the keyboard shortcuts. The job is virtually finished before you can line up the mouse to click. 😉

It was painful

In reply to As an old old-timer

The tendon in the back of the hand connecting to the index finger became inflamed. The doctor called it “tendinitus of the flexor digital-something-or-other in the index finger” and suspected it was caused by excessive use of the mouse. He told me to stop using the mouse.

Ever since then, I work strictly from the keyboard whenever possible and take frequent breaks. It took about three months with ice and heat for the pain to completely disappear.

Geeze Mate, you must have hammerd solitaire

In reply to As an old old-timer

for that to happen. Either that or it was just waiting for an excuse to happen. I have heard that it can be extreemly painful. I had to chuck a job in once because of the amount of Cortisone injections I was having to keep me going. That was bad enough.

The military has a few jobs like this…

In reply to As an old old-timer

Our primary function there was as caretakers for the equipment. The job was to wait for it to break and fix it when it did. It didn’t break very often and I was all caught up on my training at the time…

If I had of known that

In reply to As an old old-timer

the Military was like that I would have joined up. You just keep doing what is comfortable for you and don’t aggrevate your condition. 😉

There aren’t many of them

In reply to As an old old-timer

I was only lucky enough to be there for about 18 months. The rest of my time I worked my butt off!

As a “young un”

In reply to As an old old-timer

(I was only born when your (NickNielsen) TR Bio begins)

I use the mouse only when necessary. If I was to cuss, I would also be heard swearing up a storm when I can’t keyboard navigate through a form or program. 😀 (I do yell at my computers – but at work I don’t swear)

Geeze Tink

In reply to As an old old-timer

I was around your age when I got my first second hand PC. I’m a late bloomer. 😉

That

In reply to Just arrived this morning

Has now been reported as SPAM.

God it feels good clicking on the Red Button. 😀

Col ]:)

How did you get a Red Button

In reply to That

I want one too. 😀

Here is a red button for you! :^0

In reply to How did you get a Red Button

Thanks Mate

In reply to Here is a red button for you! :^0

is that exactly the same as Cols. I haven’t seen it yet. :p

Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

In reply to Thanks Mate

:0 Did I say that??

then I’ll have to find an even bigger one!

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

I’m thinking an interactive one that fills the entire scree 😀

TRY THIS ONE ON FOR SIZE!

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

…dare ya to click it.

Bloody Hell Captn

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

You should have warned me placing that Link there was just downright nasty. :0

I had to shoot the tower because it wouldn’t shut down fast enough. Now I have the cops here and I’m trying to explain why a Firearm was discharged in a residential area in the early mourning. 🙁

That was just [b]CRUEL![/b]

Col :^0

CaptBilly…

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

that was flat out mean. 😀

Capt — You are EVIL — hard core EVIL

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

I could not resist the dare — and now I need to scrub my system AND brain from that EVIL!!!

Aargh!

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

Earwig!

That was absolutely unforgivable…until I can do the same to you!

Lucky

In reply to Col’s little red button is much, much smaller :0

I closed the window before anything loaded, at least from the sound of it… 🙂

I have a habit of closing any link that goes to youtube. 🙂

Thanks Mate

In reply to Thanks Mate

That was the fastest exit that I have had from TR for awhile. Of course I closed the link instead of hitting the back button and ended up on the desktop. Did I say Thanks.

Shame on me! …I’m still laughing. ]:)

In reply to Thanks Mate

🙂
😀
:^0

New Av looks great! ;-)

In reply to Thanks Mate

.

Thanks again Capt’n

In reply to Thanks Mate

for the new Avatar. I really appreciate it. 😉

Number 8?

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

just ewww. 🙁

A clitoris like a melon – this should restore the balance. :^0

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor
and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had
treated recently.

“Only last week” the Frenchman said “a woman came to see me with
a clitoris like a melon!”

“Don’t be absurd” the Brit exclaimed. “It couldn’t have been that
big. My God, man, she wouldn’t have been able to walk if it
were.”

“Ahh, you English, always thinking about size” replied the
Frenchman. “I was talking about the flavor!”

I [i]know[/i] her!!

In reply to A clitoris like a melon – this should restore the balance. :^0

to bad she doesn’t enjoy that particular activity. 🙁

I do so love the taste of honeydew

Okay, you started it though

In reply to A clitoris like a melon – this should restore the balance. :^0

A guy is driving through the Okanagan Valley in BC, as he enters Peachland he sees a sign on an orchard stating “Peaches, taste just like fresh Strawberries!”

The guy doubts the sign so he goes in and asks, “Do they really taste like strawberries?”

“Yup.”

“How do you do that?”

“We have a hybrid lab and each year we create a new flavour for our peaches.”

‘AMAZING’ the guy thinks, and buys one, only to be quite surprised that it tastes JUST like a strawberry.

A few miles down the highway he sees another orchard sign stating, “Peaches, taste just like Blueberries”

once again he enters in amazement and asks,
“do they really taste like blueberries?”

“Yup, we use a secret cloning system that makes them taste just like blueberries.”

again he buys one and is truly shocked at the feat, it tasted JUST like blueberries!

A little while later he see another sign, ‘Peaches taste just like pu*sy’

“No, it can’t be! IMPOSSIBLE!!!”

Needless to say, he quickly turns into the orchard and runs up to find the grower, out of breath he gasps “do your peaches actually taste like REAL pu*sy?”

“You bet! We have this special…”

“Yeah, I know they all flavour peaches here but THIS…THIS is just unbelieveable!!!”

So the grower hands him one sand says “Try it for yourself then”

The guy eagerly bites into the peach and grimaces, hacks, coughs, chokes and spits it out.
“GROSS, that peach tastes like Sh1T!!!”

The grower grabs it back and turns it around for him, “You had it backwards.”

**************************************

No, Tammy, don’t ban me, Dawgie started it!

:^0 — However, I was expecting

In reply to Okay, you started it though

hairballs :0

:^0

In reply to Okay, you started it though

:^0

Now, that is funny!!! B-) :^0

In reply to Okay, you started it though

.

Women like that are hard to find!!!

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Two Men Fishing

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, ‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’

Three Knots

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

.
.
An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?? ‘

The prostitute replies, ‘Well, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots ‘

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean??’

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.

Okay, now THAT’s good!

In reply to Three Knots

NT

Confucius Say…

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong – man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

Don’t eat the snow where the huskies go!

Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have!

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man standing on toilet is high on pot.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue!

Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

“Man with glass house must dress in basement!”

Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don’t have film!

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!

Hole happy, whole body happy.

He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Work to become, not to acquire.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!

Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.

Those who quote me are fools.

Confucius say too damn much.

Woman who fly upside down in plane have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

funny picture

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

http://www.mrtech.com/photos/albums/random/saferthanmjshouse.jpg

LOL — too true

In reply to funny picture

:^0

see, truth can be funny …

In reply to LOL — too true

not always hurt. ]:)

:^0

In reply to funny picture

ha! nearly fell off my seat! 😀

Blonde Cowboy

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

To carry on Dawg’s theme…

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you
walking around like this?’
The Cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff … I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to
her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her
top and asks me to pull off my shirt…so I did. Then she pulls off
her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls
off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts …so I did. Then she
gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town
cowboy… ‘.
‘And here I am.’
Son of a gun, blonde men do exist!

A day at the beach.

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

.
.
This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up
and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big
toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking
up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She
humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and
left.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what
happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore
on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he
had syphilis of the big toe.

“Syphilis of the big toe?”, he inquired, “isn’t that rare.”

The doc said “You think that’s rare, I had a woman in here this
morning with athlete’s pu$$y.”

Murphy’s nails

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Murphy has own nail making business, and he wants it to be the
best in the world. So he goes to a top advertising agency to have
them create a marketing strategy. The agency assures him they can
create a memorable advertising campaign in a week.

The following week Murphy goes back to the agency and is shown in
to a small theatre to view the finished commercial.

The lights go off and screen springs into life.

On the screen is a sunset over a desert. The camera pans around
to a hill and zooms in to the top of the hill. At the top of the
hill is a wooden pole. The camera climbs up the pole to where a
couple of feet are hanging. It then carries on up to a man’s
torso, up to his face, and there is Jesus’ face. It then moves
along an outstretched arm, to a hand pinned firmly to a stake by
a gleaming nail. On the nail is proudly emblazoned:

“Murphy’s Nails” A caption appears on the screen

“Murphy’s nails – they’ll never let you down”

Murphy is outraged, “You’ll get me shut down,” he screams,
“That’s blasphemous! I’ll give you a week to come up with a
decent campaign or I’ll go elsewhere. ”

A week later Murphy goes back to the advertising agency and is
shown into the theatre. “This had better be an improvement” he
warns. The lights dim and the screen leaps into life.

On the screen is a Roman street with lots of people milling
about. The camera then pans quickly to left to see Jesus running
like hell being pursued by two Roman guards. The camera then
zooms in on the two guards, to catch one saying to the other

“This would never have happened if we’d used Murphy’s nails. “

Stuff

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

http://www.ninapaley.com/NinasAdventures/NewAdv17.htm

To continue from that link

In reply to Stuff

http://www.ninapaley.com/Nina17XmasResistance.htm

I’m for it!

In reply to To continue from that link

I don’t think my OH and I are getting each other or ourselves anything this year. End compulsory consumption.

It’s all in the packaging :D

In reply to Stuff

😀 😀

THE MOLES…

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole sniffs the air and says,’Yum! I smell maple syrup!’

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole sniffs the air and says ‘Yum! I smell honey!’

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, ‘Geez, all I can smell is….

MOLASSES

:^0 :^0

In reply to THE MOLES…

ha!

You’ve gotta have faith. ;)

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing
notes on their various disorders.

“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first,
“but I guess it is impossible.”

“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then
everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby
in three months.”

“You must tell me what you did.”

“I went to a faith healer.”

“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a
year and it didn’t help a bit.”

The other woman smiled and whispered,

“Try going alone, next time, dearie.”

MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

[b][i][u]WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:[/b] [/i][/u]

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

didn’t need

In reply to MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

the picture down the bottom…

Ladies, this is a real turn on! Tammy! Be cool! Don’t have a bird.! :^0

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Dawg you should know better

In reply to Ladies, this is a real turn on! Tammy! Be cool! Don’t have a bird.! :^0

TR takes a [b]Dim View[/b] of you marketing your new products here. :^0

But I like it how much to sell me one and transport to AU? :p

Col

Better still make your own

In reply to Dawg you should know better

a sheet of Tattoo paper an image and bobs your uncle. You will also need an old light switch as well. 😉

http://www.australianairbrushedtattoos.com.au/Stencils.html

Or you could surprise SWMBO :D

In reply to Better still make your own

and use it as a Tattoo. Don’t forget to shave. 😉

And the old Style Light Switch is the problem

In reply to Better still make your own

None here and I haven’t seen any of those for a very long time. OH did I say that I have a Sparky who comes here regularly and changes things he doesn’t like the looks of? 😀

Anyway I’m in Deep DoDo at the moment [b]SWMBO[/b] has just seen how much I paid for what is effectively no bigger than an A4 sheet of paper with 14 bits of Vinyl on it. She hit the roof till I very nicely explained just how expensive Individual Decals actually are.

A $10.00 light switch looks like a very good idea to me at the moment. 😀

Col

ha!

In reply to Ladies, this is a real turn on! Tammy! Be cool! Don’t have a bird.! :^0

🙂

Does that mean…

In reply to Ladies, this is a real turn on! Tammy! Be cool! Don’t have a bird.! :^0

If on for more than 4hrs you should call an electrician?

-Tammy 🙂

No a doctor

In reply to Does that mean…

he might have had a stroke. :p

Rednecks…

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’
The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’
The second redneck replies, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’

WHAT God Dang it do you mean to imply

In reply to Rednecks…

That those places are not selling those that they have pictures of? ?:|

I’s been robbed I’ll have to declare a Jihad on them all now. :p

You must be wrong or can you explain where the babies come from? If you can not buy them from those Catalogs you couldn’t get any babies or children surely. ?:|

Col ]:)

Muscles

In reply to Friday Yuk – an early start but the girls will approve – this time. :^0

Muscles-

A Professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’
to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm???’

She replied, ‘Probably deer hunting with his buddies.’

Here I thought

In reply to Muscles

It was going to be about them little radial hairs.

[Author]

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