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  • #2179200

    Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

    Locked

    by itgirli ·

    So what’s happening here? I want to see a friday yuk.

    Here a new bit of George Carlin for you (edited).
    “Been sitting here with my @$$ in a wad, wanting to speak out about the
    bull$h!t going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans… First
    we
    would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Let’s go through
    a
    few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it’s coming)

    #1. A mandatory evacuation means just that…Get the hell out.
    Don’t blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn’t said
    anything, I can see the argument. They said get out… if you didn’t, it’s
    your fault,
    not theirs. (We don’t want to hear it, even if you don’t have a car, you
    can get out.)

    #2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If
    you
    didn’t do this, it’s not the Government’s fault you’re starving.

    #2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some.
    (Remember, shoes, TV’s, DVD’s and CD’s are not edible. Leave them alone.)

    #2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your
    neighbor’s TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their
    stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory
    evacuation, doesn’t give you the right to take their stuff…it’s theirs,
    not yours.

    #3. If someone comes in to help you, don’t shoot at them and then complain
    no one is helping you. I’m not getting shot to help save some dumbass who
    didn’t leave when told to do so.

    #4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your
    belongings
    are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want
    them, let them have them and hopefully they’ll die in the filth. Just
    leave!
    (It’s New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them.)

    #5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a
    sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn’t go to
    rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn’t build your house on
    quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country
    some
    good and join the Navy.

    #6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton
    want
    you to believe, The US Government didn’t create the Hurricane as a way to
    eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to
    destroy America). The US Government didn’t cause global warming that
    caused
    the hurricane (We’ve been coming out of an ice age for over a million
    years).

    #7. The government isn’t responsible for giving you anything. This is the
    land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what
    you
    want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a d@mn job and stop
    spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President
    Kennedy said it best…”Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what
    you can do for your country.”

    Thank you for allowing me to rant.

    the end.

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3136155

      TEN THINGS TO PONDER

      by v_man ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      TEN THINGS TO PONDER

      Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.

      Number 9 – Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

      Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
      an erection, make him a sandwich!

      Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
      to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

      Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky…..not really good for anything,
      but you still can’t help but smile when you push them down the stairs.

      Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
      dying of nothing.

      Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
      attention to criticism.

      Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
      substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

      Number 2 – In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
      world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

      AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:

      We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
      millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to
      where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we
      should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

      • #3135924

        fishing

        by blieffring9 ·

        In reply to TEN THINGS TO PONDER

        Give a man a fish and you have fed him for a day. teach a man to fish, and he will spend his life buying tackle, drowning worms, and drinking beer.

    • #3136147

      logically speaking…

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

      The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

      “Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

      The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”

      “Yeah.”

      “Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.”

      “That’s true, I do have a yard.”

      “I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

      “Yes, I do have a house.”

      “And because you have a house, I t! hink that you might logically have a family.”

      “I have a family.”

      “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

      “Yes, I do have a wife.”

      “And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”

      “I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.”

      Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

      “Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”

      Jim says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”

      “No.”

      “Then you’re gay.”

    • #3136134

      Happy Birthday Waffle House!

      by wordworker ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Waffle House turns 50 in 2005. That’s just one year older than the stains on the waitresses’ uniforms!

    • #3136129

      Highway Department

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      (Since I work for them….)

      A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working
      along the roadside with a state Department of Transportation truck parked nearby.

      One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

      The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

      While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

      “I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

      “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

      “Well, we work for the state,” one of the men said.

      “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the state’s money?”

      “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

      “Normally there’s three of us … me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.

    • #3136123

      Okay..one more..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      WHY DO MEN PEE STANDING UP?

      God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn’t quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it. Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!

      On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away — laughing with delight all the while.

      God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. “What’s it called?” asked Eve.

      “Brains,” said God.

      • #3136111

        Amen

        by itgirli ·

        In reply to Okay..one more..

        Ain’t it the truth.

        • #3136106

          I wouldn’t want to male bash or anything..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Amen

          maybe just rough them up a little..

        • #3136103

          Observation

          by bfilmfan ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t want to male bash or anything..

          You ladies should expand your horizons in male companionship….

        • #3136037

          OR

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Observation

          let me watch….. ]:)

        • #3136030

          My horizon

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Observation

          Has expanded as far as I want it to go. I have a husband that I still like after 10 years and two sons.

        • #3136022

          Laughing

          by bfilmfan ·

          In reply to My horizon

          I am aware you are married ma’am.

          I simply couldn’t resist poking back was all.

          And now we see the real issue is that hubby and sons are making you watch all those nasty NASCAR events. 🙂

        • #3135998

          dear god..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Laughing

          NO.. No NASCAR in my house. Not a one of us is into it. No sports to speak of. My husband, however, occasionally forces me to watch subtitled movies. I would rather watch a movie where sh*t blows up.

        • #3136019

          Just trying to help

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to My horizon

          I’m a giving, caring kind of guy like that! And whatever four consenting women do in the range of my video camera is just fine by me.

          “try anything once, if it hurts, try it again”

        • #3136016

          one thing

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to Just trying to help

          I just request that anything filmed of me has any identifiable markings (tattoos, birthmarks, etc.)edited out.

        • #3136006

          girli, that damn empress crown might be a bit of a tip off!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Just trying to help

          You asked for it, you got it!!!:^O

          [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

        • #3136102

          C’mon Mae

          by surflover ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t want to male bash or anything..

          even we (guys) could see that one coming by the middle of the first paragraph… Dont you have anything better than that? :^O

        • #3136098

          you know..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to C’mon Mae

          It’s Friday afternoon. I’ve had 3 very long and trying weeks and my little, illogical pea-brain just can’t seem to do much better.

        • #3136080

          Pee brain

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to you know..

          I think this was a far-side cartoon: two brontosauruses are in a field. One is saying to the other – “Hey, Martha – over here!!! Peas the size of your brain!!! “

        • #3136040

          Yes Dr, I’ve seen it, but it may not have been

          by surflover ·

          In reply to Pee brain

          A farside…

        • #3136036

          Don’t forget

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to you know..

          emotional? :p

        • #3136033

          Oh yes..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Don’t forget

          THAT one..let’s see if you can guess what I’m feeling right now..

          And no, it isn’t anything attached to me.

        • #3136028

          Like I said

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Don’t forget

          Hot! You my dear, are HOT! ]:)

          (have you been talking to GG?)

        • #3136025

          No..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Don’t forget

          I haven’t. And as only one woman at a time can be hot, I’ll have to pass the baton back to GG so she can get her time in..

        • #3135912

          Chains Required . . .

          by ldyosng ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t want to male bash or anything..

          Whips Optional.

          But there’s always room for DUCT TAPE!!!

      • #3136099

        Here’s one mae

        by surflover ·

        In reply to Okay..one more..

        :^O

        A woman was speeding down the road on her little red sportbike
        and was pulled over by a woman police officer.
        The cop asked to see her driver’s license.

        She dug through her backpack and was getting progressively more agitated.
        “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
        “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

        The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
        the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

        The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
        “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

        • #3136048

          oh you!

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to Here’s one mae

          You’ll get a lashing for that one!

        • #3136044

          oooooooo !

          by surflover ·

          In reply to oh you!

          Sounds interesting 😉

        • #3136017

          Spanking Charge

          by bfilmfan ·

          In reply to oooooooo !

          Better find out what she charges for that service first…

        • #3135974

          No Charge

          by surflover ·

          In reply to Spanking Charge

          :^O

      • #3136038

        Hmmmm

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Okay..one more..

        I don’t get it…..

        • #3136560

          Man

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Hmmmm

          There are SOOO many replies to this. But..it’s just too easy.

    • #3136100

      Another one…

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      I am sooo ready for this week to just DIE. I want to go home NOW. 2 hours..40 minutes…

      COPYWRITER…

      There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

      When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

      He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

      • #3136095

        That’s not bad

        by surflover ·

        In reply to Another one…

        But I thought it would end with him as a Windows programmer :^O

      • #3135940
        Avatar photo

        Actually Mae

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Another one…

        From my talks to M$ I understand a woman writes those error messages as the woman has a better understanding of what is going wrong so she explains it so well that no one ever actually understands what they mean. :^O

        Col ]:)

        • #3135936

          you know..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Actually Mae

          It’s late. And it’s been a long week. I’m not sure if that is a compliment, or if I should be offended.

        • #3136555
          Avatar photo

          It’s neither Mae just a statement of fact

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to you know..

          I was talking to the woman who claimed that she was responsible from writing the error messages at one M$ Certified Partners Meeting. :p

          When I complained that most of the error messages that I ran into I couldn’t understand particularly the “Device 6 Missing one” {for those of you who have never seen this error message it supposedly means that there is no CPU fitted} I was told that the Blue Screen was to give better contrast so you could read the message that she had spent so long writing the code for. Anyway when one of the systems crashed with the BSOD she had to run off to fix it and I never got to talk to her again, but she couldn’t give a fast explanation of how to get it up and running again it needed her special touch. :p

          Col ]:)

    • #3136096

      Charcoal engineers

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      This is dated, but since there are so many engineering types in this group, I thought it was worth a 2nd look (it is also a VERY guy thing)… :^O

      Today’s culinary topic is: how to light a charcoal fire. Everybody loves a backyard barbecue. For some reason, food just seems to taste better when it has been cooked outdoors, where flies can lay eggs on it. But there’s nothing worse than trying to set fire to a pile of balky charcoal.

      The average back-yard chef, wishing to cook hamburgers, tries to ignite the charcoal via the squirt, light, and wait method, wherein you squirt lighter fluid on a pile of briquettes, light the pile, then wait until they have turned a uniform gray color. When I say “they have turned a uniform gray color,” I am referring to the hamburgers. The briquettes will remain as cold and lifeless as Leonard Nimoy. The backyard chef will keep this up – squirting, lighting, waiting; squirting, lighting, waiting – until the bacterial level in the side dishes has reached the point where the potato salad rises up from its bowl, Bloblike, and attempts to mate with the corn. This is the signal that it’s time to order Chinese food.

      The problem is that modern charcoal, manufactured under strict consumer-safety guidelines, is one of the least-flammable substances on Earth. On more than one occasion, quick-thinking individuals have extinguished a raging house fire by throwing charcoal on it. Your backyard chef would be just as successful trying to ignite a pile of rocks.

      Is there a solution? Yes. There happens to be a technique that is guaranteed to get your charcoal burning very, very quickly, although you should not attempt this technique unless you meet the following criterion: You are a complete idiot.

      I found out about this technique from alert reader George Rasko, who sent me a letter describing something he came across on the World Wide Web, a computer network that you should definitely learn more about, because as you read these words, your 11-year-old is downloading pornography from it.

      By hooking into the World Wide Web, you can look at a variety of electronic “pages,” consisting of documents, pictures, and videos created by people all over the world. One of these is a guy named (really) George Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.

      “We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer,” Goble told me in a telephone interview. “Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner.”

      If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

      From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with the cosine to form the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

      By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, “pretty good” does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using – get ready – liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it’s 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel’s World Wide Web page , you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that, according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in – this has to be a world record – 3 seconds.

      There’s also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that’s left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. “Basically, the grill vaporized,” said Goble. “We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund.”

      Looking at Goble’s video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers’ picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

      Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It’s something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.

      • #3136091

        Gosh, how does…

        by m_a_r_k ·

        In reply to Charcoal engineers

        …everyone make up all these really funny jokes so fast?

      • #3135923

        Dave Barry Article

        by blieffring9 ·

        In reply to Charcoal engineers

        Please give credit to huge stolen postings. Single source:plagerism
        Multiple sources: research

        • #3136569

          Didn’t know where that came from, thanks

          by surflover ·

          In reply to Dave Barry Article

          Someone sent that to me a long time ago (w/o credits)

    • #3136092

      1 more… The Male Manual of Female Logic

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Since there was so much wind about females not being logical in my post about there not being enough females in IT for my liking, I thought this one might be a good post (a bit long though) :^O

      It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”

      Is this a trick question?

      Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home-improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that’s right for you. How does this work? It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here’s a common example.

      “DO I LOOK FAT?”

      There is no answer to this question that won’t be interpreted “yes”. “No” means yes. “Yes” means yes. “I don’t know” means yes. “It doesn’t matter” means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn’t work, but all the other options are worse. There are several other questions for which “no” is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off. Consult this handy chart:

      JUST SAY NO TO THESE

      Is there someone else?
      Do you still fantasize about her?
      Are you tired of me?

      JUST SAY YES TO THESE

      Do you still love me?
      Do you ever fantasize about me?
      Do you like my hair this way?

      Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:

      “WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?”

      Typically you’re already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It’s a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, “Whichever, you old trout!” If you pick the shoes she already has on, she’ll think you’re trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she’ll think it’s because you know you can’t pick the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgement or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, “You’re fat.”

      This raises the question of why she’s asking you at all. She knows you don’t know which shoes look better, and she knows you don’t care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive “beats me” should do the trick, but don’t try that with the shoe dilemma, or you’ll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don’t raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

      “WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?”

      This could be described as an essay question, since you’re obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as “forward” or “upstairs” or “I dunno”. Another problem is that you and your girlfriend are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and all you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

      HER: Where do you see this relationship going?
      YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?
      HER: Do you think she’s attractive?
      YOU: Who?
      HER: Will you marry me?
      YOU: Where am I?
      HER: What if I were pregnant?
      YOU: Are you pregnant?
      HER: Why? Do I look fat?

      Whoops! We’re in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:

      HER: What if I were pregnant?
      YOU: What if I were pregnant?

      At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What’s love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

      Let’s try a math question.
      “HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?”

      Hmmmmm….Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she’s more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living:

      Number of people she’s slept with + Number of people she knows you’ve slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with. Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let’s move on.

      “WHY DON’T YOU LIGHTEN UP?”

      This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the whole time complaining because the music is too loud and there aren’t any chairs. There’s no good answer to this one. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn’t like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your dad; then again, if you do that, she’s liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one…..

      “ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO END IT?”

      Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don’t know what they do, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you’re going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you’ll say no. You can’t turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you’ll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren’t trying to break up with her, then it’s best to change the subject. Let’s try something easier.

      “NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?”

      Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: “Have you forgotten what today is?” and “Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?” Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they’re the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic post-modern context; ie: just say what Ward Cleaver would say.

      HER: Notice anything different about me?
      YOU: New apron?
      HER: Have you forgotten what today is?
      YOU: Of course not. It’s Thursday.
      HER: Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?
      YOU: That’s nice, dear…
      Funny, huh? Well, it’s not your fault if she doesn’t get it. If she wants a better answer, she’s going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as:

      “HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?”

      This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for “Who do you think you are?”, are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn’t have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You’re not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You’re just supposed to apologise for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologising, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend – nay, as a man – are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

      “DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?”

      Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn’t pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

      YOU SAY – Yes
      YOU MEAN – How much does she know?
      SHE THINKS – He’s hiding something
      YOU SAY – It depends
      YOU MEAN – How much does she know?
      SHE THINKS – I knew it!
      YOU SAY – Why do you ask
      YOU MEAN – How much does she know?
      SHE THINKS – Bastard!
      YOU SAY – I dunno. Do you?
      YOU MEAN – How much does she know?
      SHE THINKS – How much does he know?

      There are several more variations, but they’re not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you’re already in deep trouble. It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you don’t blush when you answer. Let’s look at an example that calls for more straight forward lying.

      “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”

      She means, “You were looking at that girl, weren’t you?” And you thought you’d perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you’ve found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired.

      Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked “What are you looking at?”

      TOO SPECIFIC: “The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner”.
      NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: “That thing.”
      TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: “A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you”.
      TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: “A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you.”
      TOO OBVIOUS: “Nothing.”
      WAY TOO OBVIOUS: “That blonde babe over there with the big…I mean nothing.”

      Here’s one that requires a little interpretation.
      “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?”

      This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious “we” in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, “we” clearly means “you” – as in, “What are you going to do now”; but there is also a sense of “we’re in this together” implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she’s just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they won’t get stolen.

      In such situations you’ll probably find that the only answer to “What are we going to do now?” that you can think of is “We are going to break up. Good-bye.” Most likely you’ll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

      “WHY DON’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”

      Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn’t hear, run away, whatever, but don’t say anything when she asks:

      “SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?”

      If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let’s face it, she’s already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

      “DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?”

      You’re on your own.

    • #3136084

      How Smart is Your Right Foot?

      by dugadugdug ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Not sure where this originated but it is good for a chuckle and it will boggle your mind!!
      _________________________________________
      If you are anywhere near as stubborn as I am, you will keep trying at least a few more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can’t.
      1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
      2. Now, while doing this, starting from the top draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand.

      Your foot will change direction. And, there’s nothing you can do about it! Go ahead KEEP TRYING ALL YOU WANT!
      Have a great day!
      Now get back to work!!

    • #3136083

      Just one more

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

      For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

      And if she is suffering from PMS, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

    • #3136069

      When I am Old

      by montgomery gator ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      WHEN I’M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE … LET ME!

      The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

      After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

      A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

      Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote this note to the nephew…….. “They won’t let me fart.”

    • #3136051

      here, here!

      by master3bs ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      *applause*

    • #3136039

      I just got this one in my mail..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

      When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing “good morning” to everyone and you think, “Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her”…You need to pray at work.

      When someone comes in and announces, “office meeting in 5 minutes,” and you think, “what the f*&% do they want now?”…..You need to pray at work.

      When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, “which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?”….. You need to pray at work.

      When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, “well at my last office…,” and you want to throw a stapler at him…… You need to pray at work.

      When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, “what the h*&^! does she want now?” and you try to hide underneath your desk……… You need to pray at work.

      When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else’s work and the first thing that pops in your head is, “both of y’all can kiss my a@@!!”…. You need to pray at work.

      When you’re in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say “that lazy b*&%$#”…… You need to pray at work.

      When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, “sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s”……. You need to pray at work.

      If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone’s tires that you work with…… You need to pray at work.

      If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know i t’ s going to lead to their life story ……..You need to pray at work.

      If you know all the words that have been bleeped out….You need to pray!

      LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

      • #3136029

        Here’s one for you, Lydo and girli

        by surflover ·

        In reply to I just got this one in my mail..

        My favorite “buzz off” sayings from women :^O

        I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
        Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
        Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
        Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
        Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
        I’m multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.
        Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
        Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
        You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
        Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?
        I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
        Next mood swing: six minutes.
        I hate everybody and you’re next.
        Please don’t make me kill you.
        And your point is … ?
        I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
        All stressed out and no one to choke.
        I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
        How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
        Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

        • #3136448

          Those are your favorites?

          by ldyosng ·

          In reply to Here’s one for you, Lydo and girli

          Yike! That statement implies that there are others!!
          What do you do that puts you in a position to have a collection of verbal kill-shots from women?!?! Inquiring minds want to know.
          Funny, you SEEM like an OK guy!

        • #3130644

          A few more…

          by Anonymous ·

          In reply to Here’s one for you, Lydo and girli

          1) I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.
          2) Don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
          3) How about never? Is never good for you?
          4) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
          5) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
          6) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
          7) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
          8) I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
          9) It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
          10) Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
          11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
          12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    • #3136027

      Comments for a stressful day at work

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’ll be when you kill them.
      This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
      Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
      Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
      If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
      If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
      Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
      Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
      Chaos, panic, and disorder… My work here is done.
      I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking.
      If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
      There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.
      I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
      If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.
      Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.
      When all you have is an axe, every problem seems like hours of fun.
      Some people say ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I say ‘If you can’t beat them, beat them’, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
      When life hands you lemons, squeeze them between your bitter fingers and throw them at the wall.
      If you can read this, you are in range.
      My goal in life is to hurt you, severely, come here.
      No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
      I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
      Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
      If at first you don’t succeed….go back and reload the gun.

    • #3136003

      Cheese Scones – the way women set their priorities

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Cheese Scones

      An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

      While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
      aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He
      gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
      Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and
      with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
      crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door
      frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he
      would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out
      upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite
      cheese scones. It was heaven, or, was it one final act of heroic love
      from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
      this world a happy man?

      Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
      landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
      could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
      seemingly bringing him back to life.

      The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
      the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
      spatula by his wife as she yelled…….

      “F*ck Off!!!, she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

      • #3135995

        The visit

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Cheese Scones – the way women set their priorities

        A man is feeling off, so his wife takes him in for a checkup. During the checkup, the wife notices that the Dr. seems upset about what he is finding.

        After a bit, he asks the wife to please step into another room with him.

        “What is it doctor?” asks the wife.

        “Your husband has a bad heart. It is in such a state that I dare not even try to operate.” He replies.

        “Well, isn’t there anything we can do?” asks the wife again?

        “You must not burden him with your problems when he gets home at the end of the day. You should have a nice meal ready, and then let him relax and read the paper after he is done. Don’t ask him to help with the dishes or take out the trash. Also, a happy heart is a strong heart, so you should provide him with loving, sensensual sex every night. If you do this, he can pull through this. If you don’t, he will surely die”

        As they are leaving the Doctors office, the husband asks what the Doctor told her.

        “Your going to die”.

    • #3135997

      Men Are Just Happier People

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      [u][b][i]Men Are Just Happier People[/i][/b][/u]

      [b][u]What do you expect?[/u][/b]

      Your last name stays put.

      The garage is all yours.

      Wedding plans take care of themselves.

      Chocolate is just another snack.

      You can be President.

      You can never be pregnant.

      You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

      You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

      Car mechanics tell you the truth.

      The world is your urinal.

      You never have to drive to another gas station because restroom in this one is just too icky.

      You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

      Same work, more pay.

      Wrinkles add character.

      Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

      People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

      The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

      New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

      One mood all the time.

      Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

      You know stuff about tanks.

      A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

      You can open all your own jars.

      You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

      If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

      Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

      Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

      You almost never have strap problems in public.

      You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

      Everything on your face stays its original color.

      The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

      You only have to shave your face and neck.

      You can play with toys all your life.

      Your belly usually hides your big hips.

      One wallet and one pair of shoes one color! for all seasons forever.

      You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

      You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

      You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

      You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

      [b][i][u]No wonder men are happier[/u][/i][/b]

      Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
      reading it.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135994

      New Over The Counter Drugs

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      New Over The Counter Drugs

      St. Mom’s Wort

      Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers
      unconscious for up to six hours.

      Empty Nestrogen

      Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
      the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t
      wait till they moved out.

      Peptobimbo

      Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
      evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
      improves flirting.

      Dumerol

      When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
      enjoyment of country western music.

      Flipitor

      Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
      the urge to flip off other drivers.

      Antiboyotics

      When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
      grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

      Menicillin

      Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such
      lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … can we get
      naked now?”

      Buyagra

      Indictable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
      duration of spending spree.

      Extra Strength Buy-One-all

      When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying
      frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond
      CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

      Jack Asspirin

      Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your
      birthday, anniversary or phone number.

      Anti – talksident

      A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
      to share their life stories with total strangers.

      Sexcedrin

      More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have
      a headache,” syndrome.

      Ragamet

      When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
      ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of
      doing it herself.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135991

      Old Age and Senility

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Old Age and Senility

      Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
      Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and
      she said, ‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left
      ear?”
      Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out
      and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this
      thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

      ———————————————————————–
      When the husband finally died his wife put the
      usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
      No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend
      of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well
      that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “I nursed him
      night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
      would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the
      big shit he always was.”

      ——————————————————–

      An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was
      really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching
      the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
      They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the
      old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as
      soon as they found something.
      Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
      It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
      bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
      butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.”
      The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

      ——————————————————–

      A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
      At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
      when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
      They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
      woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

      Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
      again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
      the husband cries out, “Watch that bloody wall!”

      ——————————————————–

      When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
      sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
      She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
      me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
      fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

      I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

      She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
      and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

      I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

      She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
      dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

      I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

      She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

      ——————————————————–

      Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
      decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
      adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
      few times a week to play cards.
      One day they were playing cards when one looked at
      the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been
      friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought
      and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
      Her friend sat and glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
      and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

      ——————————————————–

      THE SENILITY PRAYER

      Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
      liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I
      do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

      ——————————————————–

      Now, I think you’re supposed to send this to 5
      or 6, maybe 10. Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your
      friends if you can remember who they are.
      Then something is supposed to happen . . .I think.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135990

      Reply To: Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Strange Traffic Cop Responses

      The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the
      country.

      #15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll
      stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

      #14 “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth
      certificate a worthless document.”

      #13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

      #12 “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you
      didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my
      gun.”

      #11 “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
      can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

      #10 “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t
      think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift
      supervisor?”

      #9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do
      that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

      #8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
      drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

      #7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
      go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit.

      #6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
      toaster oven.”

      #5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

      #4 “Just how big were those two beers?”

      #3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but
      now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

      #2 “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
      of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

      and the best one, in honour of nobody in particular.:^O

      #1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? . You’re right,
      we don’t. .. Sign here.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135987

      THE TOY

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

      Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off
      the light.

      Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

      She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

      So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
      romantic session, she turned on the lights.

      She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a
      battery-operated leasure device… a vibrator!

      Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely
      ballistic.

      “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying
      to me all of these years?

      You better explain yourself!”

      The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll
      explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135985

      Road Rage – Women & Why Math is Taught in School

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      [b]Why Math is taught in School[/b]

      (Written By A Very Wise Man)

      I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
      right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto
      the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

      This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out
      his window and gave the woman the finger.

      “Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself.

      I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
      female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why I drive 48
      miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day.

      Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
      bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

      There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
      982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

      Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I
      figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

      That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass
      every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

      That’s 18,000 women drivers!

      In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.

      According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is
      dissatisfying or unrewarding.
      That’s 449.

      According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females
      have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

      That’s 98.

      And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

      According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
      weapons and this number is increasing.

      That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
      that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
      seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

      Give one the finger? …… I think not. :^O

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135984

      The Anatomy Lesson

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
      father,
      “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

      The father,surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of
      breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round
      & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a
      bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

      “Onions??”

      Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

      This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, ” Mom,
      how many types of “willies” are there?”

      The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man
      goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak
      tree, mighty and hard. In his thrities & forties, It’s like a birch tree,
      flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

      “A Christmas tree??”

      “Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
      only.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #3135919

      When the going gets tough…

      by blieffring9 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      When the going gets tough, pros perform another miracle and everyone else tries to become management.

      When the going gets tough, the tough get manic.
      It’s not going to get better and I’m having a great time.

      • #3136452

        Woaha!

        by ldyosng ·

        In reply to When the going gets tough…

        Sounds like somebody needs the levels checked on their medication.
        Do you work for the Post Office?
        Just curious . . .

    • #3136415

      THE HUSBAND STORE

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      THE HUSBAND STORE

      A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

      You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

      There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

      There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

      So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

      On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 ? These men have jobs.

      The Second floor sign reads: Floor 2 ? These men have jobs and love kids.

      The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 ? These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

      “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

      She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 ? These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.

      “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

      Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 ? These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

      She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

      Floor 6 ? You are visitor number 3,456,012 to this floor. There are NO men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

      Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    • #3130660

      Yay, George!

      by Anonymous ·

      In reply to Friday yuk? anyone? anyone?

      Always did like George Carlin.

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