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Friday Yuk. As OZ has failed to live up to one of his New Years Resolutions

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
I got this one sent to me by one of the TR Peers and loved it.

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.

??oI don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no
Santa" speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech."


When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no
tooth fairy" speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really
get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."


Or keeping to the religious vein which seems to have been very active recently

The Dead Parrot

A young families children?s pet parrot dies and the children are disconsolate and unable to be comforted.

Out of desperation the mother suggests that they have a Funeral for the dead bird. This makes the children think and they ask can we have a proper coffin? And can we perform the service our selves?

The mother agrees to this and finds an old shoe box and lines it with scrap material to make the dead bird look comfortable and then digs a hole in the back yard to burry the dead bird.

The children ran the funeral service just like the one that they saw when their Great Uncle died they give speeches about just what a good bird it was and then finish with this prayer.

In the Name of the Father the Son and In The Hole He Goes.

Suffer OZ I've given you till 1.30 AM on Saturday AU time and you've missed the boat again!

Thanks to the Peer who sent in the first one I will not name them to protect the GULITY.

Col

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Chicken livers

by Oz_Media In reply to The good cat butler

I used to buy a small tub of chicken livers when I went shopping (which used to be every Sunday morning 'religiously'). I'd get home and he'd go nuts while I put the groveries away and puled out the meat scissors to chop up his special lunch.

Once in a while they wouldn't have any left at the supermarker and I would come hom empty handed. He'd get all happy until he heard the can opener and then just storm off really pi*sed!

I decided to have fun one weekend when I came home empty handed for him, I put away the grocieries and pulled out the scissors snip, snip Then put canned food down for him. He ended up tearing a chuck out of my nose when he bit both fangs down on a nostril and gave me four nice little slices across my cheek so I wouldn't forget next week. Yeah, never tried THAT joke again!

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The cats revenge

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Chicken livers

Sorry OZ but that is just too funny not to laugh at.

Col

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I'm very pleased to learn

by jardinier In reply to Chicken livers

that you have apparently recovered from your personal grief, to the point where you can not only talk about cats, but make jokes about them.

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Claws and things

by jardinier In reply to Cat ownership

My Mum's cat, Shelley, as a kitten, was originally rescued from a drain in a park where my brother-in-law managed the kiosk.

Shelley would only ever allow myself and my mother to come near her.

She slept under the bedclothes, right down by my mother's feet. I have no idea how she managed to breathe. But if Mum moved during the night, she would get a paw full of claws for her lack of consideration.

Now my mother was never very good at disciplining animals -- she was too soft-hearted.

So apart from these nocturnal escapades, Shelley would regularly dart out from behind a piece of furniture and claw her ankle or lower leg. My mother almost continuously had a band-aid on her lower leg.

However when mother was transferred to a nursing home, and Shelley now had me as a target for her clawing, a couple of good smacks and she very soon learnt that this little game was no longer acceptable.

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Salamander

by house In reply to Cat ownership

There are those little things that you do with your cat... a certain personality trait that would separate you from the sitter.

Cats are fickle though. Depending on who feeds our cats last, they will come and harass that person. If I had fed them the night before, Fatty will come and push me with his paws in order to wake me up. He's actually shoved me into a full rocking motion by continuously pushing with the momentum. Strange critters indeed. If my girlfriend had fed them last, Fats will jump on her head and purr so loud that it wakes us up. In both cases, the other two just stand there, waiting anxiously for a result.

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house

by Salamander In reply to Salamander

They do respond remarkably to routine and quirks.

Mine watch for me from the window, are always crowded around the door when I come home after work. When I get in the door, they all do something that I can only describe as a "victory lap" around the house. Of course, I've conditioned them to do this by feeding them immediately when I get home.

They also function as excellent alarm clocks. Those little paws can be quite uncomfortable between the ribs when there's fifteen pounds of cat standing on them...ouch.

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king of the hill

by jdclyde In reply to Cat ownership

It is really interesting to watch the "arangement" between my cat "Mr. Tippers" and my dog "Pooh Bear".

The dog, a big black lab/boxer loves that cat. She will lay there and wait while the cat eats out of her bowl.

The only time the cat really lays down the law is when the dog comes too far into my bedroom. The cat has officially claimed that as his room and will chase this big black dog right out of the room. Too funny for me.

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Territory

by Salamander In reply to king of the hill

I have a couch that is off-limits to all but one cat. It is HERS, and I'm not even allowed on it.

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Moms cat chases her

by jdclyde In reply to Territory

My Moms cat will actually play a game of chasing her around the house. The cat even knows when Ma tries to take a short cut and heads her off.

How can you not love cats? It is beyond me.

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Beats me...

by Salamander In reply to Territory

...I think that they are generally preferable to most people!

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