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Friday Yuk. As OZ has failed to live up to one of his New Years Resolutions

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
I got this one sent to me by one of the TR Peers and loved it.

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.

??oI don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no
Santa" speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech."


When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no
tooth fairy" speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really
get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."


Or keeping to the religious vein which seems to have been very active recently

The Dead Parrot

A young families children?s pet parrot dies and the children are disconsolate and unable to be comforted.

Out of desperation the mother suggests that they have a Funeral for the dead bird. This makes the children think and they ask can we have a proper coffin? And can we perform the service our selves?

The mother agrees to this and finds an old shoe box and lines it with scrap material to make the dead bird look comfortable and then digs a hole in the back yard to burry the dead bird.

The children ran the funeral service just like the one that they saw when their Great Uncle died they give speeches about just what a good bird it was and then finish with this prayer.

In the Name of the Father the Son and In The Hole He Goes.

Suffer OZ I've given you till 1.30 AM on Saturday AU time and you've missed the boat again!

Thanks to the Peer who sent in the first one I will not name them to protect the GULITY.

Col

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avoid the flu

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

Maybe OZ needed to read this and that is why he is MIA?

Two ways to avoid the flu:

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise - because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead
of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a
shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So......

I walk to the liquor store (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona (fruit)

I put celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

I drink on the bar patio (fresh air)

I get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress)

and then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get
you!!!!

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I had a friend who never got the Flu

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to avoid the flu

Because instead of a Blood Alcohol count he actually used to have the Doctors count the amount of Blood in his Alcohol.

He never got sick as I suspose the amount of Alcohol in his system killed everything that attempted to invade. He eventually had his pancreas spit the dummy and he had to stop drinking then he got every disease under the sun but at least he could drive again.

He was the only person that I have ever heard of being caught for Drunk Driving going to a party and at that time he had not had a drink for 2 days.

Col

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That's funny

by house In reply to avoid the flu

I was sick for about a whole year - one thing after another - when I quit partying in excess. I'm fine now, but it's been about 2 1/2 years, so my immune system has finally found it's home.

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You know what?

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

A Woman's Husband Had Been Slipping In And Out Of A Coma For Several Months. Yet She Had Stayed By His Bedside Every Single Day.

One Day, When He Came To He Motioned For Her To Come Nearer.

As She Sat By Him, He Whispered, Eyes Full Of Tears, "You Know What? You Have Been With Me All Through The Bad Times. When I Got Fired, you Were There To Support Me. When My Business failed, You Were There. When I Got Shot, You Were By My Side. When We Lost The House, You Stayed Right Here. When My Health Started Failing, You Were Still By My Side.
You Know What???"

"What Dear???" She Gently Asked, Smiling As Her Heart Began To Fill With Warmth.

"I Think You're Bad Luck, Get The **** Away From Me."

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My excuse is that I left my specs on the train

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

and It's put me in such a moody so I'm insulting two societal groupings at once.

---------------------------

An Essex girl and a paddy are having a drink in a bar and the paddy is wearing a pair of wellies. One of the wellies has an L on it and the other has an R on it.

So bimbette Essex slapper says to paddy: "Oi Geezer, why 'ave u got a nell on one wellie and a nar on the uvva?"

"Well" says Paddy "oim a bit tick so I have an L ta tell me dat its me left foot and an R to tell its me right foot fa when oi put tem arn"

"F'kin'ell" says bimbette Essex slapper "now I know why ma knickers 'ave got C&A on 'em!!"

Note to foreigners: C&A was a British clothing store chain. Let me know if this joke translates.

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No worries

by jardinier In reply to My excuse is that I left ...

It translates -- into two words that are included in TR's auto-censor list.

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It translates into Aussie, of course,

by neilb@uk In reply to No worries

but into American? Without your clue, that is! After I posted it I though it might be a bit OTT but then it is the "Friday Yuk" and not the "Friday Wuss".

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Seven reasons to not mess with kids...

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

Loved the cat haikus...


A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to ****?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing! , the girl:
replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly! noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room ra! ng out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is ! it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun mad! e a note, and posted on the apple
tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

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Funny the second time around!

by mlandis In reply to Seven reasons to not mess ...

or even third. The one I have never seen before is the blood circulation story which brings to mind...

You know, if your feet smell, and your nose runs you are built upside down!

Have a great weekend

Maureen

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Absolutely priceless !

by Oz_Media In reply to Seven reasons to not mess ...

That's great, I will be visiting a girfriend who has a couple of 'miniature adults' living with her, I am sure she'll love the read!

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