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Friday Yuk. As OZ has failed to live up to one of his New Years Resolutions

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
I got this one sent to me by one of the TR Peers and loved it.

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.

??oI don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no
Santa" speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech."

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no
tooth fairy" speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really
get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Or keeping to the religious vein which seems to have been very active recently

The Dead Parrot

A young families children?s pet parrot dies and the children are disconsolate and unable to be comforted.

Out of desperation the mother suggests that they have a Funeral for the dead bird. This makes the children think and they ask can we have a proper coffin? And can we perform the service our selves?

The mother agrees to this and finds an old shoe box and lines it with scrap material to make the dead bird look comfortable and then digs a hole in the back yard to burry the dead bird.

The children ran the funeral service just like the one that they saw when their Great Uncle died they give speeches about just what a good bird it was and then finish with this prayer.

In the Name of the Father the Son and In The Hole He Goes.

Suffer OZ I've given you till 1.30 AM on Saturday AU time and you've missed the boat again!

Thanks to the Peer who sent in the first one I will not name them to protect the GULITY.


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Washing Your Cat

by Jessie In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their
saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know
that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, **** drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add
the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

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by Salamander In reply to Washing Your Cat

They do resemble hedgehogs when washed, don't they?

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An odd cat

by Oz_Media In reply to Washing Your Cat

I had a cat who would enjoy bathtime! He would actually climb in himself and let me rub him down with kitty soap as he purred away. WIERD!

The part he loved was the **** dryer, to fluff him all up again. Unlike most cats I've had though, he was built pretty string and was a solid cat, so when wet he didn't look like a drownde rat, maybe his physique allowed him to be proud when he was wet as opposed to disgusted as most cats seem to get.

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How did you...

by Salamander In reply to An odd cat

...get anywhere near a cat with a **** dryer? Mine are terrified of the vacuum cleaner or anything else that makes noise!

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Cats and small children

by Jessie In reply to How did you...

Typically cats and small children hate hair dryers and vacuums... cept for mine... my kids think the vacuum is a fun ride... they've been known to come running as soon as they hear it turned on, sit on the thing, put their legs up in the air and shout "Wheeeee!!!" while I attempt to vacuum the carpets... makes for a GREAT workout!

My 2 year old thinks the dustbuster is his personal play thing... It keeps him busy for all of 10 minutes until the battery runs down, then he gets all dejected cuz it doesn't like him anymore and has to be snuggled.

As for the cats, well... you shouldn't generalize about cats, they hate that. Cat personalities are as varied as their owners... or their butlers as the case may be... my cat is a ferocious Tom who enjoys keeping the neighborhood rabbit population in check (local gardeners love him) and yet my kids can safely sit on him and pull his tail without worry of being scratched. NOT, mind you, that I encourage this behavior from my children... just because we haven't YET reached the limits of kitties patience, doesn't mean his patience is unlimited!

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That's great...

by Salamander In reply to Cats and small children

...your tomcat must have a long fuse!

It's quite funny to watch them drag rabbits home. Last year, I was caring for a pregnant mama cat that turned up on my doorstep. She was *hugely* pregnant, and managed to still drag adult rabbits up to the step. She was a small cat, and she had to lift her head as high as she could, and the rabbits still dragged their hind feet on the ground. I found her a home at a farm where there are loads of rabbits...I have it on authority from the owner that she is the best little rodent-hunter on the farm.

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Had one jump into the bath

by jdclyde In reply to An odd cat

My old cat, JR. would actually jump into the bathtub with me while I was relaxing.

I was real nervious at first until to find the cat in the tub, but when I saw he liked it it became a regular event.

Being a life long cat person, this is a topic we could be in for a long time before we run out of things to share.

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I have one...

by Salamander In reply to Had one jump into the bat ...

...who habitually perches at the edge of the bathtub. I think she is puzzled by the concept; initially, she paced and wailed and worried that I would drown, reaching into the tub. She won't jump into the tub. I did get her a rubber ducky, and that does provide her with some amusement. She's calmed down about it enough now to realize that it's just a normal people thing.

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Another one?

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday Yuk. As OZ has fai ...

I usually dont' make New Years resolutions, it's just another way to start the year with failure.

I THINK I did say something about posting Yuks on time, but times have changed and I am not always around on Friday mornings to do so. In this case, I commend your jump at humour and appreciate your taking the helm.

I don't even have one to add, just dont' have the time right now.


P.S Three year old thread got dragged up again, wonder if it will stay up top for a while.

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by jdclyde In reply to Another one?

no one will even see it.... including me...

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