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Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Your Copier

By lindamarie ·
Tags: Off Topic
Got another one for you all. Hope you enjoy this one:

Linda Marie

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3 Bums

by Bubba69 In reply to Q & A

Three bums are talking one evening, when the first says, ?You should have been with me last night. I was behind the new Burger King, looked in the dumpster and found a half-eaten Whopper and half a Sprite. I had myself a feast!?

The second one says, ?You should have been with me last night. I was behind the liquor store, and found a case of broken whiskey bottles in the Dumpster. I got a good drink!?

The third one says, ?You should have been with me last night. I was walking down the railroad tracks, ran into a woman, went off into the woods and had sex for hours!?

Excitedly, the first one asks, ?So, did you get any head??

The third one says, ?Nah, never could find her head.?

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Exchange Student

by Bubba69 In reply to 3 Bums

One morning an exchange student from Japan joins a high school.

After introducing Suzuki to the class, the teacher says, ?Let?s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ?Give me liberty, or give me death??? Only Suzuki raises his hand.

?Yes, Suzuki?? asks the teacher.

?Patrick Henry, 1775,? he answers.

?Class, you should be ashamed,? snaps the teacher. ?Suzuki is new to our country and knows more about it than you do.?

?Screw the Japs,? whispers a student.

?Who said that?? snaps the teacher.

Suzuki raises his hand, eyes the room, and says, ?Lee Iacocca, 1982.?

A student in the back quips, ?I think I?m gonna puke.?

?Who said that?? yells the teacher.

?George Bush, 19**,? Suzuki yelps.

?Oh, yeah? Suck this!? shouts a frustrated student.

Suzuki stands up and declares, ?Bill Clinton, 1997!?

Another student screams, ?You little s%^t. If you say one more word, I swear I?ll kill you!?

Suzuki jumps on the chair and yells, ?Gary Condit, 2001!?

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Dead Goldfish

by Bubba69 In reply to Exchange Student

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, ?What are you up to there, Nancy??

?My goldfish died,? replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, ?and I?ve just buried him.? The neighbor was concerned, ?That?s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn?t it??

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, ?That?s because he?s inside your f%^kg cat.?

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Old People Relations

by Bubba69 In reply to Dead Goldfish

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, ?Whoever can guess what?s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.?

A little old man in the back of the room yells, ?An elephant.?

The old lady says, ?Close enough.?

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More pets

by Bubba69 In reply to Old People Relations

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man says, ?Boy, I sure wish I could do that.?

The other old man says, ?I don?t know. If I were you, I?d try petting him first.?

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That's Really Tough

by Bubba69 In reply to More pets

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. ?I?m lookin? for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,? he said to the bartender.

?We got her,? replied the bartender. ?She?s upstairs in the second room on the right.?

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, ?I?m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.?

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, ?Well, you found her.? Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

?How do you know I want that position first?? asked the miner.

?I don?t,? replied the hooker, ?I just thought you might like to open those beers first.?

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Sorry about this...

by Bubba69 In reply to Q & A

Gary wants to kill his wife, so he calls his best friend Arty to do the vicious deed for him. After Arty agrees, Gary asks how much he needs to pay for getting rid of his better half.

?Nothing,? Arty says. ?I hate her just as much as you do.?

?I have to give you something,? Gary replies.

?OK, give me a dollar,? Arty says.

So Arty follows the wife into a Food Lion and chokes her. After looking around, he realizes that three people saw the murder and ends up choking them also. The police show up before he gets a chance to leave and he gets busted.

The next morning?s newspaper headline read: ARTY CHOKES 4 FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD LION.

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A true friend

by Bubba69 In reply to Sorry about this...

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, ?My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me??

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend?s two gorgeous daughters. He says, ?Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.?

The first daughter says, ?That?s not true.?

He says, ?I?ll prove it.?

He yells down the stairs, ?Both of them??

His friend yells back, ?Of course, both of them.?

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Plastic Surgery

by Bubba69 In reply to A true friend

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth, so she shaves, cleans up, and goes to the doctor for the procedure. She wakes up to find three roses on her bed, so she asks the nurse who sent the roses.

The nurse says, ?The doctor was really happy to have such a clean work area, so to show his appreciation, he sent you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he cannot wait to dig into that nice tight love patch.?

?What about the third rose?? asks the patient.

?Oh, that?s from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears.?

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by Bubba69 In reply to Plastic Surgery

The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

?Mr. Avery, don?t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you?ll meet and be married in no time!? says the matchmaker.

?Don?t bother,? replies Mr. Avery, ?I?ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.?

?That?s all well and good, but there are some needs your sisters cannot fill.?

?I said ?two sisters?. I didn?t say they were mine.?

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