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Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Your Copier

By lindamarie ·
Tags: Off Topic
Got another one for you all. Hope you enjoy this one:

Linda Marie

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Bar Joke #1

by Bubba69 In reply to Matchmaker

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink.

?Get out!? yells the bartender. ?I don?t serve drunks here.?

The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and loudly demands a drink.

?I thought I just told you to get out,? says the bartender.

So the drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He again sits down and angrily calls for a drink.

The bartender walks over to the guy and yells, ?I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the **** out!?

The drunk looks up and slurs, ?Hey, buddy, how many f%^kin? bars do you work at, anyway??

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Bar Joke #2

by Bubba69 In reply to Bar Joke #1

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.

?You don?t want to know,? answers the bartender.

A few beers later, the guy says, ?Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey.?

?OK, I?ll show you,? says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender?s pants and starts giving him a **** job. He looks at the guy and says, ?You want to try it??

?****, yeah,? says the guy. ?But don?t hit me that hard.?

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15 minutes

by Bubba69 In reply to Q & A

Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome. A woman standing nearby said, ?Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?? They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, ?Good, I?ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.? She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, ?Ok, I?ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.?

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, ?How do you decide if you?re going to golf right-handed or left-handed??

She said, ?That?s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it?s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.?

Another member of the group asked, ?What if it?s pointing straight up??

She replied, ?Then I?ll be here at 6:45.?

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How to build a fence

by Bubba69 In reply to 15 minutes

A guy decides to build a brick fence in front of his house but isn?t sure how many pallets of bricks he?ll need. So he calls his Polish neighbor, who recently built a similar-size brick fence. ?Lech,? he says, ?I?m building a fence almost the same size as yours. How many pallets of bricks did you get??

?Ten,? Lech answers.

So the guy buys 10 pallets and proceeds to build a beautiful fence. When he finishes, he?s surprised to find he only used four of the pallets.

?Hey, Lech,? he says over the fence, ?I just finished building my fence, and I?ve got six pallets of bricks left over.?

?Yep,? says Lech. ?So did I.?

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Wine for the wife

by Bubba69 In reply to How to build a fence

A guy is driving through New Mexico when he sees a Native American thumbing for a ride. He pulls over, and the hitchhiker gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag in the front seat.

?What?s in the bag?? he asks.

?It?s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife,? says the driver.

?Hmm,? says the Indian. ?Good trade.?

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A few short ones...

by Bubba69 In reply to Wine for the wife

A father walks in on his son masturbating and says, ?Son, stop that right now, or you?ll go blind.?

His son replies, ?I?m over here, Dad!?
Mr. Brown visits his doctor for his annual checkup. ?I need stool, urine, and sperm samples,? says the doctor.

The old man thinks for a moment and then says, ?Will my underwear do??
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A female neighbor happened to be walking by and was so outraged at this that she ran over and shouted at the man, ?You should be hung!?

?I am,? he calmly replied. ?Why do you think she cuts the grass??
A couple is lying in bed when the woman turns to the man and says, ?I am going to make you the happiest man in the world.?

The man replies, ?I?ll miss you.?
What did the West Virginian say to his girlfriend upon breaking up with her?

?Can we still be cousins??

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Noahs Ark 2007

by Stangg In reply to Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Yo ...

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.

" He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted thatI was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

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Why men don't write advice columns

by GSG In reply to Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Yo ...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.


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by Stangg In reply to Why men don't write advic ...

that one actually made me chuckle out loud

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Good One!

by w2ktechman In reply to Why men don't write advic ...

I have to remember this one.

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