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Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Your Copier

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Got another one for you all. Hope you enjoy this one:

http://www.helpdesknotes.com/2007/11/funny_commercial_video_be_nice.html

Linda Marie

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188 total posts (Page 5 of 19)   Prev   03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07   Next
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Oh bugger

now I've gone and wet myself. Absolutely HILARIOUS! Well done, that one will grow old with me now.

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Is **** Endothermic or Exothermic?

by In reply to Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Yo ...

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into **** and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to ****, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering ****, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to ****. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to ****. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in **** to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of ****. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in **** to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if **** is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter ****, then the temperature in **** will increase until
all **** breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if **** is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in ****, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until **** freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in **** before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, **** is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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by In reply to Is Hell Endothermic or Ex ...

*I like the ending better :-)

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is **** exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of **** is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into **** and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to ****, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering ****, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to ****.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to ****. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in **** to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in **** because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in **** to stay the same, the volume of **** has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If **** is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter ****, then the temperature and pressure in **** will increase
until all **** breaks loose.
2. If **** is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in ****, then the temperature and pressure will drop until **** freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in **** before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that **** is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since **** has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

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by In reply to Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Yo ...

An older couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them \$32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges \$60. The Hilton charges \$78. We do it here for \$32 and I get \$28 back from Medicare."

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What if...

by In reply to Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Yo ...

People bought cars like they buy computers....

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

.............................................

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid \$12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

.............................................

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

............................................

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

*********************************************

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

*********************************************

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

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The hubby should have said...

by In reply to What if...

That's nice. Have you seen my talking frog?

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2007 Darwin Awards

by In reply to Friday Yuk: Be Nice To Yo ...

(28 July 2007, Czech Republic) A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others.

(21 June 2007, Philippines) Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified.

(23 June 2007, Illinois) Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware it hit anyone.

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Hmm. I thought Valparaiso was in Indiana.

by In reply to 2007 Darwin Awards

No matter.

For my next trick,

Q: Do you know the difference between a [ Kentuckian | Hoosier ] and a [ Hoosier | Kentuckian ] ?
A: The Ohio river.

Q: Know how Kentucky got settled?
A: A bunch of Hoosiers decided to move north to seek their fortune.

Q: Know how Tennessee got settled?
A: Some of the Kentuckians decided to try to get back to where their ancestors came from.

A couple of Hoosiers were thinking of sneaking over into Kentucky for some questionable activities but all they had was a flashlight (as in "no boat").

The first one said to the second one "Hey Wilbur. I'll just shine my flashlight on the other bank and you can crawl across on the light beam."

The second one, not being the dimmer of the two, said "Heck no, Jasper. Well I'll just bet that when I get halfway across you'll turn the durn thing off!"

So much for corny humor.

Glossary:
Indiana and Kentucky are separated by the Ohio river for a stretch.

Folks from Indiana are also known as Hoosiers. Nobody really knows why and most don't really care.

Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois and Tennessee are all states in what is known as the Midwest of the United States. This is the portion of the country approximately halfway between the middle of the country and the East Coast. This is also where a lot of Bush supporters live. So, you can see, they were confused even before he ran for office.

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Why did I never think that Tennesse

by In reply to Hmm. I thought Valparais ...

was part of the mid-west. Maybe the southern accents?

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