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Friday Yuk ( cause oz is asleep

By Jaqui ·
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer good:

On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be...how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's "just" a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (!!!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late, you lose!)

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment).

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!!)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. (Or pets. What's for dinner?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Hmmmmm, now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. (no comment).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (What is going on here?)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (As if you try to stop "anything" with your genitals. Maybe it's endorsed by Lorena Bobbit).

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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laughing to much?

by Jaqui In reply to Now that was funny

know that feeling.

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the real tech war is on...Happy April Fools

by jck In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Apr 1, 11:40 AM EST

Arabs/Bin Laden to sue Microsoft

By Ali Akzenfri
International news correspondent
Reported by Al-Enal

In a surprise move, Osama Bin Laden today made a live television appearance on Al-Jazeera television declaring himself as the chief spokesman for multiple Arab organizations planning a suit in international court against Microsoft and Chief Software Architect Bill Gates for their 1998 declaration of intent to trademark the binary system of "0" and "1" .
"This is typical American arrogance," said Bin Laden. "History shows that Arabs were responsible for the creation of 0, and as such have right to this. We will not let this go unpunished, and we will not stand by while the greedy American Bill Gates tries to steal what is rightfully ours as Arabs."
When asked if he was fearful about his re-emergence into the public world, Bin Laden replied "Of course not. What will Bill Gates do? Hit me with his mousepad? He is scum. He thinks his money gives him control to our birthright as Arabs. We will win back our property in court, and then Allah will watch their stomachs burn in ****."
Deputy spokesman for the Arab coalition and former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf also added, "Yes, their stomachs will burn in ****. Allah will be pleased with this. It will be a great day for all Arabs. Praise Allah."
"We didn't see this coming. We assumed that since no one had attempted this, Microsoft would have open right to claim such property," said Jack Miehoffer, a patent and intellectual property rights attorney based in Redmond. "Legal precedent has established that when an entity has utilized a process, invention or discovery. And, said element has not been claimed by its original rightful holder. Then, organizations such as Microsoft have been able to, and have, established claim to these unbound ideas and properties. Microsoft has established itself as the premier user, handler, and vested marketer of ones and zeroes in the world, and accordingly has the best claim to these under established copyright and patent law."
It is rumored that if they are successful in their bid to stop Microsoft, the Arab countries will also be filing to sue all entities in violation of using terms of distinctly Arab origins. "Such uses of our language are intolerable. We shall not stand for such things." Such examples cited were the Los Angeles Lakers use of "The Mecca", Kraft foods for using "caramel", Starbucks for using "mocha", and Paramount Pictures for use of the word "Sahara" as the title of their upcoming release starring Matthew McConaughey.
Gates, rumored to be attending an Oprah book club meeting, could not be reached for comment.

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Motivational sayings...

by Jessie In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather straps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to ****, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I **** you off in the process.

- Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his car.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY pisses them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- There's no such thing as gravity. The earth sucks.

- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the indiscriminate use of high explosives.

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the last one..

by Jaqui In reply to Motivational sayings...

is my number one answer to any problem.

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Jessie you forgot

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Motivational sayings...

The bit about growing old Disgracefully ]:)

&

Living long enough to be as big a problem to your children as they where to you.

I've really screwed my kids up as I've constantly told them that any children that they have will be worse than they where just so I would get some pleasure in seeing them punished by their kids to something like we where by ours. Apparently they have believed this as one is now approaching 31 and the other is 29 years old and never considering having children at any costs. They keep telling me that "Practice Makes Perfect so we'll keep practicing!"

And the ultimate indignity my youngest is going to the US latter this year to by a couple of T-Birds with her boyfriend and they are not going anywhere near CA or at least that's what I'm told so they can pick me up some more play toys. I think "She Who Must Be Obeyed" has had a hand in that one as to what I'm being told.

Col ]:)

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the line of practicing

by jdclyde In reply to Jessie you forgot

My Aunt is a nurse, and when I was a young pup on a rampage she gave me the advice to "practice safe sex", to which I replied "and practice makes perfect".

Not the answer she expected and the look on her face was priceless!

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Mary the Mental Patient Saves Jim - Sort of!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Dawg :^O

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BEST Marine Comeback Line EVER!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US
Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop
visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWAL We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWAL I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWAL I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWAL Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. All over America, people
were thinking: Semper Fi, Marine !

Always knew there was a reason I liked Marines!

Dawg

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if...

by jck In reply to BEST Marine Comeback Line ...

that is a true story, I have a new-founded respect for the Marines.

God, that's good...I'm gonna use that later

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no sh#*

by Jaqui In reply to if...

that would be absolutely the best reason to stop slamming the usmc

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