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Friday Yuk ( cause oz is asleep

By Jaqui ·
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer good:

On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be...how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's "just" a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (!!!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late, you lose!)

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment).

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!!)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. (Or pets. What's for dinner?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Hmmmmm, now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. (no comment).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (What is going on here?)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (As if you try to stop "anything" with your genitals. Maybe it's endorsed by Lorena Bobbit).

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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ON the other hand

by Oz_Media In reply to BEST Marine Comeback Line ...

Always knew there was a reason I liked interviewers.

I'd take an interviewer who passed as a prostitute before a Marine with a gun.

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GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Something to think about...

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing he said was "DON'T!"


"Don't what?" Adam replied.



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.


"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"


"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Why"



"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.




"Uh huh," Adam replied.



"Then why did you?" said the Father.



"I don't know," said Eve.



"She started it!" Adam said


"Did not!"



"Did too!"



"DID NOT!"



Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.



BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.


6. We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.




ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.

AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE
ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!


Next, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing
will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.

Dawg ]:)

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All too true... Signs of MY times...

by Jessie In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Looking back on my life as a parent, I've realized I can easily gauge "where I was" when each of my children were born by recalling their first words.

My first child, born when I was a young and silly 17 years old, his first word was "dude."

My second child, born when I was 27 years old and a busy career woman, her first word was "bye."

My third child, born when I was 29 and a stay at home mom of 3 of my own children plus a step-child, his first word was, "Sitdownshutup!"

And now, pregnant with my 4th biological child, a girl... I wonder what her first word will be, probably "f^@kit!"

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Diary of a Viagra housewife...

by Jessie In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac
with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful?! But it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the *******.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

Day 16
The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

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As long as we're doing lists..

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk ( cause oz is ...

Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over

I only had one officer Mr. Keg.

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You *****!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and ****"

Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

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pork queen?

by jdclyde In reply to As long as we're doing li ...

If that isn't a typo, I am sooo afraid to ask.

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I guess

by maecuff In reply to pork queen?

depending on how you look at it, it could mean a couple of things. Or more than one at the same time..

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I'd go with more than one.

by Jessie In reply to I guess

Let your imagination run naked through the streets jd!!!

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hahaha...

by jck In reply to I'd go with more than one ...

don't tell me to do that...I could surprise some folks

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Jessie will you never stop teasing the poor guy???

by sleepin'dawg In reply to I'd go with more than one ...
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