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Friday Yuk - Close enough to Friday for me....

By boxfiddler Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
Stumbled into this. Cracked me up.
Look out Louisville, here we come?

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Boxie, you like it?

by Michael Jay In reply to Actually it is not my mat ...

Did not tell GG directly but by now I would guess that you emailed her, she must be bouncing even more.

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I do like it MJ.

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Actually it is not my mat ...

I was using a 'Countdown Sticky' on each desktop, that I had to manually adjust each day. And yes, I sent GG a link to it. And installed it to the two machines I'm currently using.

16 days, 10 hours 53 minutes 20 seconds to 0600 June 25.

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He is not counting actual time

by The Scummy One In reply to Somebody

19 DAZE means he will arrive after dazing 19 times (estimate). However, more likely he will be dazed and confused 399 times before he should start counting the 19

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Beware of cat attacks - they plan to get you while you sleep

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

The sneaky cats have you sleep. Here's three of the most common.

1. Tail Choker - this is actually a sneaky choking attack. They lie beside you and lay their tail across your mouth. If at any time you open your mouth during the night the tail falls in and starts to work it's way down your throat to choke you. If you're lucky your gag reflex will kick in and you'll sit up spluttering cat hairs and yelling, "Yuk."

2. Moggy Mugging. You're asleep and the cat takes a running leap to land on your stomach or some other tender part. Those who don't die from the trauma of the impact usually sit up while screaming in pain.

3. Ceiling Snatcher. This is where you're violently aroused from your sleep with a reaction so strong your muscles contract and throw you at the ceiling. This works best for the cats in low ceiling houses, so be very careful when in one. They work this attack by waiting until you're sound asleep and then they let loose with a howl of some sort right in your ear. Even if you don't hit the ceiling, there is damage done by the sonic shock, the trauma of the rude awakening, and the shaking due to the adrenalin boost wearing off.

Watch out for those dangerous cats.

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OK the Cat Skin Mat at the end was about the only

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Once you get past the ope ...

Safe thing in the entire video. The rest just goes to show just how Dangerous Cats actually are. And how they attack toddlers. :0

And some people rave on about dogs and new born babes not being a good mix this shown that cats are even worse.

Col 0:-)

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That was great

by Michael Jay In reply to Once you get past the ope ...

Still laughing, cats are the craziest people.

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Moggy Mugging -- missing important detail

by The Scummy One In reply to Beware of cat attacks - t ...

when cats do the running leap, their claws are extended for a firmer landing. When landing on YOU, often cuts/scratches occur

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Suicide ...

by OldER Mycroft In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

Be neat when ending it all. It is exceedingly perverse to leave one's remains in an unlovely condition or where your corpse is likely to cause distressing nuisance. Even if it means an irritating postponement or inconvenience, always plan an appropriate time and place to kill yourself. Especially avoid any impromptu on-the-spur-of-the-moment leavetakings involving railway tracks. These often become impulse sites for a permanent departure. Thereby causing disquieting delays for others who with urgent deals or love trysts pending, may still have a lot to live for.

On no account can it be accepted as thoroughbred to use shotgun blasts at close range particularly upon the skull where it knocks **** out of your afterlife phosphorescence. There exists a wide range of other suitable weapons and vulnerable body sites which can achieve the desired dispatch. An elegantly embellished revolver firing straight into your heart a platinum plated bullet engraved with your armorial bearings is a stylish and dignified finishing stroke. A chaise longue is a markedly suitable setting for this type of exit.

It is seemly if your method of death is in keeping with your qualities as a person. But not, however, if you are a bit of a bungler and botcher. There is nothing more dumb brained than taking a jump to hang yourself and ending up suspended under your armpits half strangling on some coat hook without a hope of dying. If this is the kind of carnival joke you're likely to perform, try freefall bridge departure over open waters. There are many architecturally fine high spans offering this opportunity but as they were not designed for this purpose make sure you're not impeded by an embellishment before hitting pay dirt or water. Additionally, some bridge sites offer the presence of sharks which make away with remains and this especially assists those without previous disposal plans with a reputable undertaker. However, if inadvertently you should execute a perfect olympic dive, be prepared for bobbing back up in the water alive. Although a good punch on the nose is supposed to scare sharks away, these fish are notoriously unpredictable. And you may be suddenly glad to also be an olympic sprint swimmer.

Building jumping is most appropriately done from high up in the best financial districts where pedestrians are used to that kind of thing. It is really declasse in other areas where it may attract a large gathering. The sense of power it incites in one is particularly unbecoming as you stand up there looking down on a sea of spellbound faces with the peanut and pretzel vendors making sales on the edge of the crowd. Even though your performance is without fee it is simply quite un-chic to loll around toying with the public's attention, making yourself a socially diminished spectacle of conceit. Especially when leaning poised but teetering just that little bit extra out over the parapet with the crowd absolutely going out of its mind with gasps of suspense. Followed then by their groans of disappointment as you sway backwards to safety again. Instead of finally jumping you should join a circus.

In cases where your desire to exit this world has been provoked by many months of low down shabby treatment from the boys in the office, building jumping is permissible from your place of work. As this is your own little way of getting back at these horrid types, you may indulge to the full any parapet tricks you may have up your sleeve. And departing on your last wingless flight, be assured that it really does throw an incredible pall over the staff which can easily persist for hours on end. Although you may not be around to see it after you've been scraped up, many will descend on the elevator more slowly than you did in free flight to examine where you collided with the pavement. And they will express their surprise at how perfectly clean the spot is where hardly a trace of you now remains.

Poisons, usually of the old fashioned variety, which disfigure the facial expression, must be rated as an ungraceful leavetaking. On the whole, they make for a rather contorted goodbye. So too do the various methods of strangling which cause eye-bulging and ghastly grimace. Crushing and squashing in spite of erasing one's expression should also be avoided as they leave a diabolically shocking flatness to be scratched up. Self-destruction by suttee and disembowelling are dramatic but go unappreciated except in the countries where these are an accepted means of attaining your higher graduation. Although not disclosing that it is planned for this purpose, your local travel agent will be glad to arrange a leisurely trip and your heirs should be entitled to claim reimbursement for the return journey.

Requiring some self control, holding your own head under water is not an unpleasant way to go. Once the first thirst-quenching lungful is aboard, this initial gulp and gasp relaxes the synapses rapidly into a rather pleasant swirling sleep. Gas is another method affording some peaceful reverie before drifting off. Except of course where certain vapours in contact with a spark can incite a condition which can make yours and maybe a few of your neighbours' ascent into the last darkness take place with amazing velocity.

Although of classical significance, heinous procedures such as the holding of one's nose and jumping into a den of rattlers, gaboon vipers, or mambas is certain to make decent minded people in a free society wonder what the **** kind of perverted problems you are trying to tear yourself permanently away from. Dispatch in the industrial manner known as the Scandinavian Blast must also be considered outre, involving as it does a stroll down the boulevard smoking a stick of dynamite disguised as a cigar usually carrying an excellent brand name. Although sending you in a lot of simultaneous directions, it is an extremely unchic way of heading for the happy ******* ground.

For the connoisseur, ending it all at sea is the height of particularity. A late autumn westward sailing from the old to the new world with a trunk-load of tweed suitings for hurricane deck constitutionals is your man. Your moment of adieu should be chosen as that least objectionable to one's fellow first class passengers and should always be taken in black tie from the lonelier starboard side. Imbibe your usual amounts of snuff and after dinner port. Don't be afraid of enjoying these last days. They can be the happiest days of your life. However do not accept an invitation to sit at the Captain's table and beware of getting totally caught up in shipboard activities, especially ping-pong tournaments and games, the outcome of which may delay your earthly exit till it's time to dock. Romance too should be avoided unless it is one of those heart-palpitating wild mad grabbing one night stands tumbling and crashing in various frissonic crescendoes all over the State Room. These fleshy shenanigans often add an aura of tender poignance to your last goodbye as well as to your brief partner's memory of you. But do avoid inciting gossip which will make your gymnastic companion, left behind, the subject of speculation as to what the **** she did to make you go over the side.

As your remaining shipboard days unfold with your grave just a jump away, continue your brisk morning walks on deck before breakfast. The salt ocean spray on your cheeks and fresh air in your lungs will raise a marvellous appetite. Afternoons in your deck chair read from the minor to the great poets and contemplate that the sea will soon be your own private memorial. But don't allow this to make you eerie. Nor take your dive too early in the voyage to depress everyone for the rest of the trip.

On the edge of the Gulf Stream about three hundred miles south of Nova Scotia is the best spot. The sea temperature will be about ten degrees centigrade and the depth plenty deep at thirteen thousand feet. Then following a simple but nourishing champagne meal of caviar, pressed duck, and asparagus, ending with strawberries and cream, take a final blast of cognac, round off with a few turns on the dance floor with your companion pal provided you have the self control to avoid being tugged down to her State Room for another blazing event. If she persists in hugging you excuse yourself for a series of long distance telephone calls and take a running hurdle at the railings just before three a.m.

Tips for your cabin steward and others who have rendered signal service should be left placed prominently in your State Room. It is sporting to leave an amount covering the full journey. But make sure your steward has retired for the night as it is essential your premature gratuities do not result in the raising of the man overboard alarm. It really is embarrassing to be rescued and fished out amid all the searchlights with the remainder of the trip a nightmare of whispers and pointings every time you want a breath of fresh air at the ship's rails.

With your departure succeeding unnoticed you will land up to your scalp in the ocean. If you have avoided testicular concussion by sheilding your billiards with cupped hands you will at first feel a pain-free clutching sensation as you watch the liner make its way away like an illuminated fairy tale city trailing a great boiling white wake on the midnight depths. You may also think you hear the fading strains of the dance band. This is extremely unlikely but indeed you count upon sniffing a fume or two from the vessel's turbines. In any event an awesome sense of peace will be yours paddling there in the extremely chilly water and you will be astonished as you come to profound terms with yourself at how much pleasure your own company will give you at this time.

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