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Friday Yuk - Close enough to Friday for me....

By boxfiddler Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
Stumbled into this. Cracked me up.
Look out Louisville, here we come?

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Some protocol you missed in relation to

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Suicide ...

jumping at work, where possible you should select you place of landing so as to be on the transport vehicle of your chief protagonist or your chief rival or the boss you hate the most. this is to minimise possible damage to people may like just a little, and to maximise the expression of your displeasure with them. If their transport vehicles aren't in range of your departure point, try to fly by the window of one of the above. If you're real lucky you can score extra points for flare if you catch their head on the way down by jumping as they look out the window.

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and you missed

by Jaqui In reply to Suicide ...

taking a pair of leg irons to chain yourself to your trunk and jumping overboard with them.
the weight will guarantee that even with bad timing on your part, they won't get you back on board.

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Hey hey

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

I'm back form France.. what did I miss??

Only a few weeks till the shingding now..soooo looking forward to it!!

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You missed

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Hey hey

the usual shenanigans. Or maybe the usual shenanigans missed you. B-) Welcome back.

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by Shellbot In reply to You missed

I'll make up for it in L-ville

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New Hallmark Cards

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me.

You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?

Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful as you.....
have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in **** until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like
to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married.... but not to you.

Happy Birthday! you look great for your age... almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up.... I think it's time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time... what say we call it

I'm so miserable without you.... It's like you are still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Any idea who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think
of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Alabama, Arkansas, Louisianna, West Virginia and KENTUCKY)

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Kentucky is a state in the USA

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

Bourbon is a royal house from France -

Does that make a Kentucky Bourbon an expatriate French aristocrat whose family migrated to Kentucky?

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Cant Fix Stupid

by The Scummy One In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!

Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.' 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

Police in Radnor , PA interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

A mother calls **1, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room--the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer..... ' Dispatcher: 'Rush him to the emergency room!'

Life is tough. .. .. It's tougher if you're stupid.

And remember -- these people can vote.

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by Shellbot In reply to Cant Fix Stupid
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Aunt Karen

by Michael Jay In reply to Friday Yuk - Close enough ...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and hen she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'

'Stay the **** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

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