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Friday Yuk: Interview tips

By lindamarie ·
IT jobs seem to be the most shaky these days. Here are a few things you should avoid doing during interviews:

http://www.helpdesknotes.com/2007/11/humor_interview_tips_for_job_s.html

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Harmonica lessons

by Bubba69 In reply to Southern and proud of it. ...

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he?s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we?re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I?m starting to miss you and we?re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation?s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don?t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can?t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let?s see how well you play that harmonica."

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Pickleslicer

by Bubba69 In reply to Harmonica lessons

One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his weenie into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says he?d be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.

"What?s wrong, Bill?" his wife asks.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my weenie into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn?t."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"She and I both got fired."

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Southern Justice

by Bubba69 In reply to Pickleslicer

A Yankee goes hunting in the South. He shoots a duck out in the country. As he?s retrieving it, a good-ole-boy walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the gool-ole-boy proposes they settle the matter " Southern style."

"What?s Southern style?" asks the Yankee.

"Down here in the South," the good-ole-boy says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin? wins the dispute."

Warily the Yankee agrees and prepares himself. The good-ole-boy hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The Yankee falls to the ground in the most intense pain he?s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it?s?it?s m-my turn."

The good-ole-boy grins. "Aw, ****, you win. Keep the duck."

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A friend in need...

by Bubba69 In reply to Southern Justice

Jerry?s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy?can you help me out here?"

Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy?s *****. Much to his horror, it?s hideous. It?s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

Imagining the kudos he?ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man?s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man?s pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask?What the heck?s wrong with your johnson?"

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don?t know, but I sure as **** ain?t touching it."

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Who's there?

by Bubba69 In reply to A friend in need...

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there's nobody there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there's another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there's no one standing there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the **** was that all about?"

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The nature of the problem

by Bubba69 In reply to Here come my contribution ...

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

?I?m not aware of the nature of your problem,? the doctor said. ?So perhaps you should start at the very beginning.?

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth."

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Chief Complaint... ( I can two spel gud)

by Bubba69 In reply to The nature of the problem

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I?m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That?s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I?m doing now?"

"You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I?m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You?re getting herpes?which is what I came here about in the first place."

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All the rest...

by Bubba69 In reply to Chief Complaint... ( I ca ...

A top aide to President Bush rushes into the oval office. "Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news."

President Bush asks to have the bad news first. The aide replies that at 1:00 A.M. in the morning space aliens landed in Washington D.C.

"What's the good news?" the president then asks.

The aide then says, "They know where Osama bin Laden is hiding ? and they pi$$ oil!"
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If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him?is he still wrong?
-----
Did you hear about the new paint color that?s coming out?

It?s called blonde.

It?s not very bright, but it spreads easy.
-----
Q: Moms have Mother?s Day and dads have Father?s Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

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Blending Shells theme with mine

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk: Interview ti ...

WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A ******

* The more people use it the bigger it gets.

* If you play with it too much you can go blind.

* You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!

* Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory.

* It provides a way to interact with other people.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.

* The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

* Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.

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Just can't help myself

by jdclyde In reply to Blending Shells theme wit ...

Which is better, beer or ******?
1.Beer is always wet. ****** needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to ******

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to ******

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of ****** your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to ******

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any ****** in public, you become a legend.
One point to ******

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of ****** he may buy you a beer. One point to ******

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much ****** and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to ******

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to ******

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to ******

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc... with ****** you also have a choice, white, black, asian, hispanic, and eskimo...
Call it a DRAW

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 ******: 9
That's it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate yet tasty winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.

An extra point for BEER

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