After Hours

Our forums are currently in maintenance mode and the ability to post is disabled. We will be back up and running as soon as possible. Thanks for your patience!

General discussion

Locked

Friday Yuk! - My first one

By JackOfAllTech ·
Tags: Off Topic
The Hunch-back of Notre Dame wants to retire so he decides to have open
auditions for his replacement. At the end of the first day of try-outs,
Quasimodo notices that the last applicant has no arms! "How can you ring the
bells without arms?" he asks. The man says he's sure he can do it and begs to
be given a chance.

When Quasimodo agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face first into a
bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says "That's fine but can you do
more than one?" The man takes a few steps back, runs toward the bells, misses,
falls off the tower and smashes onto the courtyard far below.

Quasimodo runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
crowd. "Does anyone know who he was?" Someone in the crowd yells out "I don't
know his name but his face rings a bell!"

...
...
...

The next day, ANOTHER armless man applies for the job. He assures Quasimodo that he knows what the other man
did wrong and has learned from his mistake.

When Quasimodo reluctantly agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face
first into a bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says "The other guy did
that yesterday, but can you do more than one?" The man takes a few steps back,
runs toward the bells, also misses, also falls off the tower and also smashes
onto the courtyard far below.

Quasimodo again runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
crowd. "Does anyone know who HE was?" Someone in the crowd yells out "I don't
know his name but he's a dead-ringer for that other guy!"

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

Thread display: Collapse - | Expand +

All Comments

Collapse -

That's the 401keg plan <nt>

by jimmy-jam In reply to For the Uk investors

.

Collapse -

a blonde joke

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the ****-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.

She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

Collapse -

some oldies..paddy irish..

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
**********
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
***********
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
********
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
**************
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Collapse -

Chicken sandwiches

by Shellbot In reply to some oldies..paddy irish. ...

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
To the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said
'Oh,my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!

Collapse -

SICK LEAVE

by Shellbot In reply to some oldies..paddy irish. ...

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give
me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

Collapse -

WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?

by Shellbot In reply to some oldies..paddy irish. ...

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either.."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s3x?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked,
"Then why do you give a sh!t?"

Collapse -

The Murphy brothers.

by Locrian_Lyric In reply to some oldies..paddy irish. ...

Each week, Murphy would go to their local pub and order 3 beers and drink them all. The bartender asked him why three beers.

Murphy said, well a few years back, me brothers moved away. So, we said we'd all go and have a drink for each of us.

One week, Murphy came in and ordered only two beers.

The bartender said, "Oh, I'm sorry, did something happen".

Murphy replied, "Well, the wife has been going to church lately and she's got it in her head that I should stop drinking, but it don't affect me brothers none!"

Collapse -

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

by Bubba69 In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Collapse -

3 pregnant women

by Bubba69 In reply to Things to do in the bathr ...

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies??.....

Collapse -

Why e-mail is like a male's um...

by Bubba69 In reply to Things to do in the bathr ...

1. Some people have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Related Discussions

Related Forums