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Friday Yuk! - My first one

By JackOfAllTech ·
Tags: Off Topic
The Hunch-back of Notre Dame wants to retire so he decides to have open
auditions for his replacement. At the end of the first day of try-outs,
Quasimodo notices that the last applicant has no arms! "How can you ring the
bells without arms?" he asks. The man says he's sure he can do it and begs to
be given a chance.

When Quasimodo agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face first into a
bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says "That's fine but can you do
more than one?" The man takes a few steps back, runs toward the bells, misses,
falls off the tower and smashes onto the courtyard far below.

Quasimodo runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
crowd. "Does anyone know who he was?" Someone in the crowd yells out "I don't
know his name but his face rings a bell!"

...
...
...

The next day, ANOTHER armless man applies for the job. He assures Quasimodo that he knows what the other man
did wrong and has learned from his mistake.

When Quasimodo reluctantly agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face
first into a bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says "The other guy did
that yesterday, but can you do more than one?" The man takes a few steps back,
runs toward the bells, also misses, also falls off the tower and also smashes
onto the courtyard far below.

Quasimodo again runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
crowd. "Does anyone know who HE was?" Someone in the crowd yells out "I don't
know his name but he's a dead-ringer for that other guy!"

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Nicoderm patch*

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's ***** and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe You're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your *****.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'


*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO ****!!!!

Dawg ]:)

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The Insatiable Genie

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
we'll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said,
"Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no
apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I'm a genie, and
I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released
me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you
don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll
guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have
a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours
of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"We're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "Really?" he says. "Thirty-five
years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Dawg ]:)

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Job Application

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

.
A man applies for a job at the Post Office.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%..an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

Dawg ]:)

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It'll look great in the shower!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After
the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then
went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been
going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who
always left first, "How come you never hang around and get
showered and have a few drinks with us?"

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that
he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men
because he felt his ***** was too small.

So the first man asked, "Does your ***** work?"

"Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well."

So the first man asked, "Would you like to trade it in for one
that looks great in the shower?"

Dawg ]:)

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A rusty old thing.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

There was this little elderly man one day who got out of his
rocking chair and told his little old wife he would be back in a
little while.

She looked up at him from her rocker and asked, "where you going?
"

He replied "I'm gonna go get me some of them there Viagra's at
the doctors' office"

She didn't say anything just got up and started putting on her
sweater.

"Where you going?" the old man asked

She just smiled and said, "If you're gonna start using that old
rusty thing again, I'm gonna go get me a tetanus shot!"

Dawg ]:)

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Have you got change???

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that
business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a
tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm
sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a
doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to
integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community.
Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday.
You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night
out."

Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying
customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses
shows up with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks
in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put
it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and
encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies
have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with
empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping
bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just
over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed
jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to
the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The
publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling
he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives
him a discount.

"Let's call It $150," he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have
you got change for a garbage can?"


Dawg ]:)

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The best HMO

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working
in. He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating
non-stop, and asks the doctor why the man was doing such a thing
out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the
sperm builds up quickly in his body, he has to masturbate
constantly or he will explode."

"Oh, I see," says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on
a stretcher getting a blohwjob from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with that?"

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."

Dawg ]:)

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And That's When the Fight Started

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

.

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.

"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"

I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started....


- - -

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

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It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month...

by tcavadias Staff In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

..and next month we get to vote some boobs out of office

-Tammy :-)

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