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FRIDAY YUK - Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

By neilb@uk ·
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funny labels....

by heml0ck In reply to me, too....

Liquid Plummer:
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Do not spray in eyes.

Bowl Fresh:
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Toilet Plunger:
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter:
Safe to use around pets.

Endust Duster:
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commission Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Baby Oil:
Keep out of reach of children

Little Ones Baby Lotion:
Keep away from children

Hair Coloring:
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Dial Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
May contain foam.

Do not use while taking a shower.

Old Spice Red Zone Deodorant:
Use only on underarms.

Zantac 75:
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills:
Warning: May cause Drowsiness

Christmas Lights:
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter:
Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight:
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-flammable

These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.

Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray:
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor:
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge:
Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control:
Not Dishwasher Safe.

Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
Caution: Risk of fire.

Triops Fish Food:
Warning: Not for human consumption.

Home Depot Treated Lumber:
Do not consume.

Hair Dryer:
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

Road Sign:
Caution water on road during rain.

This camera will only work when film is inside.

Road Sign:
Cemetery Road. Dead End.

Church Parking Lot Sign:
Thou shalt not park.

Children's Superman Costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Silk Soy Milk:
Shake well and buy often.

Air Conditioner:
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Slush Puppy Cup:
This ice may be cold.

American Airlines Peanuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese:
For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners:
This product must be cooked before eating.

Hershey's Almond Bar:
Warning: May contain traces of nuts.

Heinz Ketchup:
Instructions: Put on food.

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Beach Ball:
CAUTION: This is not a life saving device.

Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning! Keep out of children

Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Curling Iron:
Warning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer:
Do not use in shower.

Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket:
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.

A toilet at a public sports facility:
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists:
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Container of Underarm Deodorant:
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter:
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow:
Not intended for highway use.

Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock":
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A frisbee:
Warning: May contain small parts.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.

A birthday card for a 1 year old:
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Heated seat cushion:
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.

Electric Cattle Prod:
For use on animals only.

Can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.

Silly Putty:
Do not use as ear plugs.

Knife sharpening stone:
Warning: knives are sharp!

Do not use intimately.

Rat Poison:
Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Portable stroller:
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

Dashboard of a mail truck:
Look before driving.

Sign at a British underground station:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Bottom of a supermarket dessert box:
Do not turn upside down.

Package of dice:
Not for human consumption.

Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Shipment of hammers:
May be harmful if swallowed.

Manual for an SGI computer:
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle:
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

Electric Thermometer:
Do not use orally after using rectally.

Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain:
Turn off motor before using this product.

6x10 inch inflatable picture frame:
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

Box of bottle rockets:
Do not put in mouth.

Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack:
Remove plastic before eating.

Box for a car jack:
For lifting purposes only.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean:
Do not drive cars in ocean.

Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert:
Always drive on roads. Not on people.

Bus Stop:
No stopping or standing.

Church Sign:
These rows reserved for parents with children.

Credit card statement:
Payment is due by the due date.

Laundromat triple washer:
No small children.

Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building:
Take care: new non-slip surface.

Box of Pills:
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.

Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

Can of black pepper:
Instructions: usage known.

Bag of cat biscuits:
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.

Car Manual:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Espresso Kettle:
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.

T.V. manual:
Do not pour liquids into your television set.

Label on a hammer:
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

VCR box:
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

Toilet brush:
Do not use for personal hygiene.

Black rubber fishing worm:
Not for human consumption.

Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.

Depend Adult Diapers:
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.

Furniture Wipes:
Do not use for a baby wipe.

Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet:
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.

Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning.

Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza:
Do not turn upside down.

Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
Do not open here.

Bottle of bathtub cleaner:
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

Container of lighter fluid:
WARNING: Contents flammable!

Box of household nails:
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it:
Direction #1: Remove plastic.

Drink bottle label:
Do not peel label off.

Woolite carpet cleaner:
Safe for carpets, too!

Box of Frosted Cheerio's:
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

Do not use near fire or flame.

Container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium.

Hose Nozzle:
Do not spray into electrical outlet.

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Medical Record Blunders

by DadsPad In reply to FRIDAY YUK - Official! Qu ...

1. The skin was moist and dry.

2. ****** exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

3. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

4. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

5. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

6. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

7. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

8. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

9. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

11. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

12. Bleeding started in the ****** area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

13. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

16. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

18. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

20. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

21. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

22. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

23. We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

24. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

25. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

26. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

27. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

28. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

29. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

30. Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

31. The patient refused an autopsy.

32. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

33. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

34. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

35. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

36. The patient had a rash over his truck.

37. Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).

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The Dress of Love

by DadsPad In reply to Medical Record Blunders

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."

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by DadsPad In reply to The Dress of Love

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

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Prescriptive compliance

by DadsPad In reply to Hmmmmmm.....

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Doctor, it hurts here, and here, and here....

by DadsPad In reply to Prescriptive compliance

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!

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Doctor Vs. Mechanic

by DadsPad In reply to Doctor, it hurts here, an ...

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

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Hospital Ranks

by DadsPad In reply to Doctor Vs. Mechanic

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved

General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God

Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals

Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls

Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!

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As a former nurse

by Tig2 In reply to Doctor Vs. Mechanic

I agree with you completely!

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Actually 2+2=3...

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Hmmmmmm.....

Take 1 piece of paper, tear it. You have 2 pieces of paper. Take 1 of those pieces of paper, tear it. You have 2 pieces of paper + the 1 untorn piece of paper. Voila! 2+2=3!

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