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FRIDAY YUK - Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

By neilb@uk ·
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The Evolution of Medicine

by DadsPad In reply to Doctor jokes 3

I have an earache ...

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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Excellent! :) <nt>

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to The Evolution of Medicine
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Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.

by DadsPad In reply to The Evolution of Medicine

Thank you for calling.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.

If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.

( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )

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Nothing Up His Sleeve

by DadsPad In reply to Suggestion for the Automa ...

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard.

All the doctors and nurses were examining the little new born in front of the worried parents, but he kept laughing. He laughed, hands in tight fists, until tears were rolling down his cheeks.

During the initial exam, the pediatrician slowly unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right. Nobody in the room believed what was found in the baby's hand.

A birth control pill!

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Brain Transplant

by DadsPad In reply to Medical Record Blunders

A man went to see his doctor. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is that this hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants.

Yesterday, there was a terrible accident right in front of the hospital and a young couple was killed. You can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain will cost you $100,000 and the woman's brain will cost you $30,000."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why is there such a large difference between the cost of the male brain and the cost of the female brain?"

"The male brain has hardly been used!" replied the doctor.

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Agony on the Green

by DadsPad In reply to Brain Transplant

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men in his 'middle regions, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnoooh, I'll be all right ... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his private parts. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

"It feels great," he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like ****."

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The Price of Priapism

by DadsPad In reply to Agony on the Green

A young man walked into a pharmacy run by two older never married sisters. One was at the prescription counter, and he asked her what she could give him for his Priapism. She said she would have to consult her sister in the stockroom.

She disappeared for a few minutes, then came back and said, "The best we can do is $10,000 and the store."

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You pay if doubt a diagnosis

by DadsPad In reply to The Price of Priapism

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.

The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650".

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead !" exclaimed the man ....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

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The Heimlich Manoeuvre

by DadsPad In reply to You pay if doubt a diagno ...

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.

She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One said to the other "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help ?". "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak ?" She shook her head no. He said "Can you breathe ?" She again shook her head, no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Back to his friend, he said "Funny how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

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Help! I'm being held prisoner by

by daveo2000 In reply to FRIDAY YUK - Official! Qu ...

Col and Steffi! They are trying to make me do IMPURE THINGS!

Help! I'm mmmph gmmmmph ummpthththff gaaaaaaaahhhh!!

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