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Friday Yuk..Come ON people

By Shellbot ·
Tags: Off Topic
Fooling Around
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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Ultimate Geek Cereal!

by Steffi28 In reply to Here Col
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Correct the spelling, put a cute kid on the cover

by DadsPad In reply to Ultimate Geek Cereal!

and they could very likely sell the cereal her in the USA.

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Not really My Dear

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Here Col

You should see the Palms growing in the UK now that it's parked on the Equator.

I can even visit Kew Gardens more often as well and when I finally finish off the move I can live there away from prying eyes. God it's great having your own country to play with. :^0

I've even had Liverpool cut off and towed away before sinking the place as it was a eyesore on my New Improved UK. :0

You should see what I'm using as Servants now that I own the place.

Col ]:)

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Dumb Jokes!!! :)

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON peopl ...

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The **** Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko...

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

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Three Horney Dogs

by DadsPad In reply to Dumb Jokes!!! :)

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you frick me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"

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Things to think about

by DadsPad In reply to Three Horney Dogs

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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The Talking Clock

by DadsPad In reply to Things to think about

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*cks sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the f*cking morning!!"

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First time cussers

by DadsPad In reply to The Talking Clock

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say **** and you say ***."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw ****, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your *** it won't be Cheerios!"

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SOOO unexpected!

by meryllogue In reply to First time cussers

This was so unexpected of a punch line that I had to stop everything to just let this one roll over me time and again! Good stuff!

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They used to have a lot of trouble with that.....

by TonytheTiger In reply to Things to think about

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

with the old text-style sign, "DEER XING", but in the late 1970s some bright engineer made a very important discovery: Deer can't read! So they changed them all to the pictorial signs and we haven't had a problem since.

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