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June 2, 2005 at 11:10 am #2181923
Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Lockedby oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
Yes, GLOBAL. Seeing as some of our peers are 19 hours ahead of most of us, we now need to consider the gobal time zones when posting Friday Yuk’s as it is politically correct to not desicriminate against others.
[u][b]OUCH!!!![/b][/u]
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”“I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!”
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
[u][b]Are you a cowboy?[/b][/u]
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”
She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”
Have a great weekend! :^O
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June 2, 2005 at 11:14 am #3170561
Oz, I was with you til…
by jck · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
you said “politically correct”.
I don’t wanna be P.C. sorry.
I’ll just be polite and human. How’s that?
cheers man…have a good weekend…off to a wedding tomorrow.
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June 2, 2005 at 11:43 am #3172204
Have fun
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Oz, I was with you til…
Drunken bridesmaids, have fun but be careful, the wedding bells will be in thier dream filled heads too.
The whole PC rant was just a sarcastic comment at our dry humoured friends on the dark side of the Earth.
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June 2, 2005 at 6:59 pm #3171973
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June 2, 2005 at 7:29 pm #3171963
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June 4, 2005 at 6:31 pm #3170232
Well think of it this way OZ
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Nah
On Sunday when you are lying back in the sun with a cold one in one hand and a reefer in the other I’m at work and hard at it. 🙁
So While we start the weekend earlier here we also get to return to work at the beginning of a new week that much earlier as well.
Col ]:)
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June 2, 2005 at 11:20 am #3170558
Can coldwater clean dishes?
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
This is for all the germ conscious folk who worry about using cold water to clean. (ItGirli)
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as coldwater can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me! get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted …
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”
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Happy Birthday toooooo meeeeeeeeee!
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June 2, 2005 at 11:46 am #3172202
Joyous day of birth to you.
by jessie · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?
Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes
Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes
Hippo Birdie Deer Orangutan man (best I could do for clyde)
Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes!-
June 2, 2005 at 12:01 pm #3172186
Sounds about right
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Joyous day of birth to you.
“Anyway but loose” is as good a theme for tonight as any!
Right turn Clyde!
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June 2, 2005 at 12:18 pm #3172166
Just don’t get the movies mixed up
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Sounds about right
And walk into a gay bar thinking the theme was “Any Which Way you Can”.
Now I don’t care who you are, that there is funny!
(booooooo, I know, I know) :p
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June 2, 2005 at 1:07 pm #3172141
How timely!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just don’t get the movies mixed up
Just talking to my bud last night who was out scoping where we will go this weekend and he went to the Comedy club in Saginaw which had been closed down and saw lots of people coming and going.
He went up and asked what the place was now and they told him “this is a gay bar silly!”
No lie, and I laughed my a$$ off at him! What a hoot!
(and yes, booooo!)
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June 3, 2005 at 3:27 am #3172534
I’ve changed my mind.
by absolutely · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just don’t get the movies mixed up
I don’t mind Canadians after all. You can share my border any day.
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June 3, 2005 at 10:24 am #3172320
Like we needed your permission
by jamesrl · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to I’ve changed my mind.
Or actually, like either of us have a choice….
James
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June 3, 2005 at 10:09 pm #3170398
naw,
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just don’t get the movies mixed up
he’ll get the loose right.
😉
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June 2, 2005 at 11:48 am #3172200
Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?
Seeing as your self gratification has already sung happy B-Day to you?
But if it IS your B-Day, COOL!!!! B-)
Happy Birthday to yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!
Happy Birthday to yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!
Happy Birthday jd clyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyde!
HAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYY BIIIIIIIIRTHDAAAAAAAAY TOOOOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!:^O
So how ancient are ya now?
Just remember, as long as the spout works in the morning you got nothing to worry about.
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June 2, 2005 at 11:59 am #3172190
Well,
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
the standard answer in “25 again”, I will let the secret out. 38.
And yes, I am deeply into self gratification right now!
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June 2, 2005 at 12:08 pm #3172173
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June 2, 2005 at 4:49 pm #3172019
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June 2, 2005 at 4:56 pm #3172013
hmmmm
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Happy
you are starting to know me pretty will it seems…
I LIKE to have my cake and wear it too!
My partner bailed on me, so it is solo at the bar tonight. Poor me! But with no kids and no wife, there is NO WAY I am sitting home with the dog tonight! After all, I don’t live in VA and can get in trouble for that sort of behaviour here! (lol)
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June 2, 2005 at 5:01 pm #3172010
Argh
by cuteelf · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hmmmm
i got stood up for my 21st b-day.
I was dressed to the nines and sat and read on the couch. BF called and I was just a little bit peeved at him.
I had even lined up two dates to make sure I’d go out.
Neither of them showed up.🙁
CuteElf
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June 2, 2005 at 5:53 pm #3171995
Really gets you when it falls through!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Argh
unfortunately all the rest of my friends are either at home with two babies or they work second shift so that was my one shot at a drinking buddy!
Well, I’m just getting ready to walk out the door after I pound a few advil and a redbull. Just sitting on the floor of my empty front room with my laptop scarfing some chicken fajitas.
What are YOU doing on this late? Going on 9 pm here in eastern time!
Well, as the saying goes it’s beer thrity! Got to roll. Hope I don’t have much on the books I can’t avoid tomorrow. Will probably feel a little crunchy.
Night sweet thang.
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June 2, 2005 at 7:28 pm #3171964
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June 2, 2005 at 11:28 pm #3171906
Now THAT oz, is a visual!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Argh
Here it is, 2:30 am and the last thing I see for the day is Elf in bi-love. I already know where my dreams will end up tonight! woo woo!
Should sleep good as the killians went down easy. Hope I hear my alarm in 3 1/2 hours!
Night all!
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June 2, 2005 at 7:06 pm #3171972
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June 2, 2005 at 8:02 pm #3171950
Reply To: Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
by cuteelf · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to I suppose that would depend
Wouldnt you like to know?
Miniskirt…that long ago.
Heels..
etc…I thought I was more important than a job.(bf’s job)
Now, I’m thinking, my job’s more important than my birthday.
That’s what 20 years of life does to you.
Oz, HE was definitely a man.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:09 pm #3172133
yes Oz…but, do you mean…
by jck · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
his “personal” spout, or the spout for the keg of Killian’s he might be working on?? ]:)
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June 2, 2005 at 1:15 pm #3172114
Either
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to yes Oz…but, do you mean…
If you wake up and the kegs dry, it’s as bad as waking up and you rpersonal spout isn’t working. When BOTH are done in, It’s CHIVAS TIME!!!!!
It’s that age where instead of it staring you in the face in the morning, it watches you tie your shoes.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:16 pm #3172110
LOL
by tomsal · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Happy birthday JD first off!
and OZ….don’t ask me why, but
“Just remember, as long as the spout works in the morning you got nothing to worry about.”
Got me busting out with laughter..lol.
Of course I have been extremely down in the dumps today and tired…so maybe I just need a good laugh.
THANKS!
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June 2, 2005 at 1:33 pm #3172088
Always a pleasure Tom
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to LOL
Down in eth dumps? Sucks mate, chin up, smile and just remember; nobody else is half as clever as you are, spend your day walking around and laughing quietly to yourself at all the wierd, clumsy people who struggle and stumble through their day.
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June 2, 2005 at 12:00 pm #3172187
Happy Birthday!
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?
Have a happy birthday!
May all your dreams come true!
Hope you get a good lay!
And your ex comes down with the flu!May you be an hour in heaven before the devil knows your dead!
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June 2, 2005 at 12:05 pm #3172179
I’ll take it
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Happy Birthday!
although hoping for something worse than the flu.
Thanks!
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June 2, 2005 at 12:08 pm #3172174
i tried
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to I’ll take it
I was trying to rhyme and couldn’t think of anything else quick enough.
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June 2, 2005 at 12:12 pm #3172171
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June 2, 2005 at 12:22 pm #3172164
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June 2, 2005 at 12:27 pm #3172161
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June 2, 2005 at 1:01 pm #3172148
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June 2, 2005 at 1:10 pm #3172129
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June 2, 2005 at 7:27 pm #3171965
Happy Birthday and thanks OZ for the early posting
by black panther · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?
Happy Birthday from Down Under! 🙂
Many Happy Returns and thanks to OZ for the early posting!
12:28PM Brisbane Time! 🙂
from Wibby
Subject: Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp between two missing teeth,
“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?”She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice,“I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”
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June 3, 2005 at 10:31 am #3172318
Priceless!
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Happy Birthday and thanks OZ for the early posting
No THAT was good! Got sucked right into the visual of the cute little girl, ABSOLTELY HILARIOUS!
It’s either a really good joke or just hit me at the right moment.
THX! :^O
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June 2, 2005 at 11:24 am #3170554
What is politics?
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, ?What is politics??
Dad says, ?Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I am the head of the Family, so call me the President. Your Mother is the administrator of the
Money, so we will call her the Government. We are here to take care of your Needs so we will call you the People. And for our nanny, we will call her the Working Class. There is your baby brother; we?ll call him The Future. Now Think about that tonight and see if it makes sense.?The boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.
Later that Night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him and finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The boy goes to his parents room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to
the nanny?s room. The door is locked, so he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with nanny. The boy then gives up in disgust and goes back To bed.Next morning, the boy says to his Father, ?Dad, I think I understand the Concept of politics now.? The father responds with, ?Good, Son, tell me in
Your own words what you think politics is all about.?The boy replies, ?The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
Shit.?-
June 3, 2005 at 10:16 pm #3170397
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June 2, 2005 at 11:26 am #3170552
Three ducks
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Three ducks walked into a bar.
“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the
first duck.“Huey,” was the reply.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”
“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is
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June 2, 2005 at 11:29 am #3172210
How true, how true. (Best short joke)
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mum,” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she repied.
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June 2, 2005 at 11:32 am #3172209
Have a ball.
by cortech · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Ya know what happened to Cindarella when she got to the ball??
She gagged.
BTW – Happy Bday JD
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June 2, 2005 at 11:53 am #3172195
Oh nooooooo!
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Have a ball.
Well it’s a fine line and a faded one to try and toe.
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June 2, 2005 at 11:33 am #3172208
honest old lady
by jck · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t Prepared for the answer. In a trial in a Southern small town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and as ked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll jail you for contempt.”
Happy Birthday, jd…
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June 2, 2005 at 11:43 am #3172203
Just a couple…
by jessie · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
… blond jokes.
Q: Why do blonds have bruises around their belly buttons?
A: Their boyfriends are blond too.Q: What does a blond do after sex?
A: Get out of the car.Q: How do you know if a blond’s boyfriend is happy with her?
A: She’s got the imprint of his belt buckle on her forehead.Sorry, that was the best I could do. Nobody’s sent me any email jokes recently, and my favorite joke sites are blocked inside the network at work. Figures!
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June 2, 2005 at 11:56 am #3172193
Smokes
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just a couple…
What does a bloonde girl do first thing in the morning?
Goes home.What does a blonde girl say after sex?
Thanks dad, got a smoke?okay, I’ll stop, we don’t need a rash of the same old blonde jokes again.
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June 3, 2005 at 10:20 pm #3170396
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June 4, 2005 at 4:53 am #3170351
So Jaqui
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to on that note:
Just where where you last week?
Where you offended my my inference that OZ sufferers severely from AIDS or are you going to claim that you where bust at your job?
Col ]:)
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June 4, 2005 at 11:23 am #3170286
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June 4, 2005 at 5:42 pm #3170237
Well in that case
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Col,
Can we change places PLEASE?????? 😉
I spent several hours yesterday with a Work Experience person here and their computer which had a GPU fan die and take out the entire system. Of course I’m supplying the new bits for cost price and I’m getting her to put it back together this time but I still have to be here. Well at least I’m not allowing her to mess with Customers computers but to get a paid service call to install a Screen Saver now that is different I hope it was worth while. 😀
Some people get paid too easily what is it that I’m doing wrong? 🙁
Col ]:)
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June 4, 2005 at 6:32 pm #3170231
well..
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Well in that case
was it worth it?….
not really, 4 hours gone for 5 minutes of effort.what are you doing wrong?
easy, you hang with people that can read.
it’s from people I know that are illiterate ( literally, they cannot read ) that I get calls like that.now gotta go spend 6 hours, to fix an outbreak express, on winxp for same person that wanted screensaver installer.
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June 4, 2005 at 5:43 pm #3170236
Since TR is messing up and double posting things
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Col,
I’ll add this here. 🙁
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank accountA hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..… you just hoped nobody ever found out !
I will not give the person who sent me this one the credit as they may just get a bit upset. 😀
Col ]:)
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June 4, 2005 at 10:06 am #3170305
HA HA
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to on that note:
Thx Jaqui,
Good for a chuckle, what an IDIOT the guy is though, and like his “daughter” said, “Wow. You really like to get right to it don’t you?”
Nice home page, religious hypocrisy at it’s best. And I bet any money this guy walks around chastizing everyone for their little sins that he deems so sacreligious by HIS standards.
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June 2, 2005 at 7:21 pm #3171969
Don’t complain
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just a couple…
At least you can come up with something suitable to post here. All the jokes that I hear are sooooooo off color that I would be banned if I posted even the nicest ones let alone the funnest ones. 🙁
Col ]:)
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June 2, 2005 at 11:55 am #3172194
As promised
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and an Essex girl?
The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?”
The nympho says, “Are you done already?”
The Essex girl says, “Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”An Essex girl and a Scots girl were talking one day. The Scots girl said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him “Head and Shoulders” and it cleared it up. The Essex girl asked inquisitively, “How do you give shoulders?”
What is the difference between a Essex girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.I’ll explain the following one on request…
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions
Girl: OK
Medic: What’s your name?
Girl: Sharon?
Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
Sharon: Yes
Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
Sharon: Romford, mateAnd my favourite Essex Girl joke – ever
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“Ten” replies the Essex girl.
“Ten?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne”“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Essex girl, “it’s great because if they’re out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Essex girl… “I just use their surnames”Have a good weekend!
Oh, sh:t! It’s still Thursday!
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June 2, 2005 at 12:04 pm #3172180
:D
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to As promised
Uh….yeah.
Well you started out a bit old, but the Wayne joke was a new one (to me) and Romford, well it just depends where you live.
By the way, it’s only Thursday if you look at the calendar, otherwise it’s Friday everyday you want it to be.
In North America it is pretty customary for workers to hit the bar after work on Fridays. Unlike UK where it is customary for workers to hit the pub at lunch. 🙂
So my theory is, if we all get drunk and stay out patying all night everyday, then everyday is Friday.
So go get legless and call it a weekend.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:14 pm #3172122
The weekend starts on Thursday around here!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to :D
Or at least it always did before I was married and responsible!
Now that I am neither (ok, responsible every other week) it is about time to see what this area has to offer!
Need to start getting back down to Detroit! Best rock bars! Haven’t been to Harpos in many moons!
The OZ familiar with Harpos? Biggest small rock place in Detroit!
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June 2, 2005 at 1:24 pm #3172096
Only DTE
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to The weekend starts on Thursday around here!
I remember it well because the supporting act couldn’t get their equipment across the border from Toronto. They wanted to hold trucks for random inspection (three-days) but before they were cancelled and a local act brought in, they managed to wriggle their paperwork in front of the right guy and gave him M&G tix to the show for being a decent guy.
I supopse security is a tad tighter since 9/11 though, don’t think you could wrangle a truckload of rock equipment across the border these days for a couple of tickets.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:33 pm #3172089
About 45 minutes from there right now
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Only DTE
I LIVE at the DTE! They do lots of cheap shows and I take my boys to all of the rock-n-roll shows!
At the ripe old age of 13, I would CONSERVATIVELY say they have each been to over 40 concerts and they love it!
They went nuts when I took them to MudVain a few months back! (State Theater in Detroit)
Playing at DTE, your acts are bigger than I thought if getting into that size of venues. Sweet!
If ever in Detroit, check out Harpos. You will not be disappointed.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:53 pm #3172080
Not to be mistaken
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to About 45 minutes from there right now
MY acts aren’t at the DTE, they are in Europe and usually run from 100o-1700 head venues. Unless on festival tours which, in case you haven’t noticed, are the biggest thing in Europe. BIG outdoor festivals for 3 days with a dozen headline worthy bands. The scene there is simply STUNNING whencompared to out here, the industry here has just gone to s**t.
But when at the DTE I was on a world tour with a HUGE band, as an assistant stage manager, PR intern type of guy.
Check out this lineup for a metal festival THIS YEAR in Germany:
Bang Your Head festival:Twisted Sister
Motorhead
DIO
Saxon
Gammaray (Helloween)
U.D.O. (ACCEPT 2005)
Krokus
and about 8 other well known bands.Now the BIGGIE (that I usually go to each year)Wacken open Air festival, and then there’s Bloodstock (showcased a few bands there)nice lineup this year too and DOZENS more.
On North America we all wait patiently for Ozzy to bring OzzFest our way each summer and some of those shows are INDOORS!!! What is an INDOOR festival all about????
Music is so dead out here, it’s all in promotion and CD sales, not performance and touring.
The party went bye bye. 🙁
I did the DTE with the A*********r/Priest tour, I think it was the DTE, (a really cool world tour that I learned a lot from), it was a driver for A*********r’s truck that got held up.
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June 2, 2005 at 7:31 pm #3171962
Well you could all work to AU time
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to :D
But there may be a few draw backs like yesterday Kosta Zoo the fighter who is in the UK for a fight was out running as training and was pulled up by the Cops asking him what he though he was doing out at this time.
His reply was I’m still on AU time and I’m training for the fight this weekend. I don’t know just how well that one went down but it is true. :p
Or many years ago Wayne Gardner after winning that years World Championship for the 500 cc class returned to AU and was in the process of driving home when he was pulled up by a motorcycle cop who’s first question was “Who do you think you are the World Champion?”
Unfortunately for Gardner his drivers License had expired while overseas so he was driving unlicensed as well. 😉
Col ]:)
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June 2, 2005 at 7:36 pm #3171959
Just gave me a wierd thought!
by black panther · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to :D
Imagine if there was no names for each day???? duh??? or no seven day cycle 🙂 or a different cycle 🙂
I’ll shut up now! 🙂
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June 3, 2005 at 4:04 pm #3170482
Happens a lot to me
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just gave me a wierd thought!
Wierd thoughts that is, and strange voices. Sometimes I have to talk just to drown them all out for a bit.
But I feel much better now. :O
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June 2, 2005 at 11:57 am #3172192
sorry
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
I don’t have any great jokes, but i thought this was amusing:
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June 2, 2005 at 12:07 pm #3172177
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June 2, 2005 at 12:10 pm #3172172
actually
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to That’s pretty funny
It’s illegal here in Virginia. As well as any position that’s not missionary, unmarried sex, butt sex, etc. However it is still legal to have sex with a farm animal thanks to Thomas Jefferson and his loose interpretations of the law.
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June 2, 2005 at 12:16 pm #3172167
So your allset then
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to actually
LOL.
You can’t be begged for a BJ but you can still get the kink out. Pretty goood deal for women, and perhaps a European website builder, but for guys it’s a pretty bad deal!
What do you have to do to enforce it though?
Complain to the police that your boyfriend made you do the dirty?Virginia huh? Pretty place but pretty backward too from the sounds of it.
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June 2, 2005 at 12:20 pm #3172165
No one cares about those laws
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to So your allset then
Believe me. our police officers are being picked up in child porn rings. yeah, it’s pretty crazy here. Depends on what part you live in I guess. I don’t like it here. I want to move to a place that makes sense. Like Delaware. Delaware is a fun place.
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June 2, 2005 at 12:31 pm #3172159
Oh well
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to No one cares about those laws
We all have our vices, funny how even the best places still have sordid stories isn’t it?
As for Delaware, well, I don’t know Delaware but wouldn’t it be a pain in the ass crossing it by boat everyday while carry a flag in order to commute to work? That IS what they do in Delaware right?
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June 2, 2005 at 12:47 pm #3172154
nope.
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Oh well
That is the Delaware River which is actually between Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Delaware is the business capital of the world. (they have a nice tax system). Delaware is a fun little-visited spot that people should not go to because I don’t want anymore people in my perfect state. If you ever happen to hit the east coast, let me know and I’ll let you know where all the fun places are.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:26 pm #3172094
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June 2, 2005 at 7:42 pm #3171956
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June 3, 2005 at 6:17 am #3172460
I don’t know how frequent it is.
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to So the sheep in Virginia
The law was written by Thomas Jefferson, and it really is wriiten as “beasts”, not necessarily farm animals. At the time of it’s writing, slaves were considered “beasts” as well as the oxen and cows and sheep. They were bought and sold as such. Well if you know anything about T.J., you would know that he had several children with one of his slaves mistresses. His actual law was written so he could do his slaves and necessarily the farm animals.
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June 3, 2005 at 6:48 am #3172440
do you know why…
by anykey??? · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to I don’t know how frequent it is.
Scottish guys wear kilts?
so the sheep won’t hear their zipper.
farmers wear rubber boots?
You stick the animals feet down in the boots so they can’t get away.
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June 4, 2005 at 1:25 am #3170382
When the latter technique was suggested to an Australian sheep-shearer
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to do you know why…
He cried “No way! Miss out on all the kissing?”
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June 4, 2005 at 4:59 am #3170350
No Neil you got it all wrong
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to do you know why…
The suggestion was actually made to an Kiwi Sheerer working in Australia not an Australian Shearer as it was up until recently only the Kiwi’s who used the wide combs while shearing the sheep so they could have more time at the end of the day to play with them. 😀
Col ]:)
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June 4, 2005 at 11:25 am #3170284
As ever, Col
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to do you know why…
I accept the word of the master!
What you don’t know about the erogenous zones of sheep – purely from a theoretical viewpoint, of course – isn’t worth knowing.
😀
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June 2, 2005 at 12:39 pm #3172156
In honor of the
by maecuff · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
auditors that I have invading my office like cockroaches…
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives at the battle field after the battle has ended and bayonets all the wounded.Why did the auditor cross the road?
He looked in his file and that’s what he did last year.Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel time.HAPPY BIRTHDAY JD! Go easy on the self abuse..at your age, you’re gonna need trifocals.
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June 2, 2005 at 1:25 pm #3172095
I didn’t know
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to In honor of the
they made beer goggles in trifocals! See the things you miss when you stop hitting the bars?
I am bummed out about one thing. I forgot to get down to the DMV to renew my plates and will get leached with a “late fee” now! Boooo!
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June 2, 2005 at 1:23 pm #3172098
dumb girls and flagpoles.
by jck · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
One day, Debbie Sue was walking up to her high school when Joe Don walked up to her and said “Hey…Debbie Sue…I betcha $20 you can’t climb that there flagpole.” Being the stubborn, hard-headed country girl she was, Debbie set up to climb the flagpole and prove him wrong. When she got to the top, she looked down and Joe Don was gone.
That evening, Debbie Sue was telling her mama about it and she looked at her and said “Oh Debbie Sue, those boys are such nasty creatures. I bet he was just trying to look up your dress and see your undies, dear.”
The next day, Debbie Sue comes home with a wide smile on her face, and her mama asks her “Debbie Sue? Why are you so happy?” Debbie Sue looks at her and replies “I got that old boy Joe Don real good, mama…when he bet me I couldn’t climb the flagpole.”
Feeling proud of her daughter, she asked “Well, what’d you do, Debbie Sue? Did you smack him upside his face?”
Debbie Sue said “No, mama. I climbed that pole again!”
Mama, looking puzzled, inquired “How’d you get him back doing that?”
Debbie Sue grinned and replied “Since that nasty boy wanted to see my panties…I just didn’t wear any today.”
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June 2, 2005 at 1:24 pm #3172097
In honor of the Birthday boy
by awalt · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
You know you’re getting old when…
…all of your favorite movies are re-released in color.
…you begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
…you come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
…you frequently find yourself telling people how much a loaf of bread used to cost.
…have way too much room in the house, and not nearly enough in the medicine cabinet.
…people call you at 9pm, they ask, “Did I wake you?”
…the little gray-haired lady that you help across the street is your wife.
…the pharmacist becomes your new best friend.
…you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
…you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
…you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
…you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
…you sink your teeth into a nice juicy steak …and they stay there.
…your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.
…your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
…your new easy chair has more options than your car.
…you and your teeth don’t sleep together.
…you look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
…getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
…the twinkle in your eye turns out to be the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
Happy Birthday
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June 2, 2005 at 1:38 pm #3172086
Number 10, dead nuts!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to In honor of the Birthday boy
I think I have a FEW years before half of them.
The problem with going out with the hot babe half your age is you have to put up with all the same crap you used to when you were that age!
My wife is still under warranty, so it is time to trade in this defective model!
Trade my 38 for two 19 year olds?
(at least you didn’t get into the depends jokes!)
Thanks for the birthday wish!
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June 2, 2005 at 7:54 pm #3171953
For the birthday boy JD
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
May you never know the problems of JR and if you find yourself in this position you have already had way tooooooooo much to drink. 😀
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills… The man guesses there
must be thousands of dollars in it!He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well… you pay ten dollars… and IF you pass three tests…you get all the money!!!”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up! What are the three tests?”
“Pay FIRST…” says the bartender… “Those are the rules.”
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar…
“OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do…
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila…the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE… and you CAN’T make a face while doing it…
SECOND: There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth…You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS…
THIRD: There’s a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse… You’ve gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her.”
The man is stunned… “I know I paid my 10 bucks… but I’m not an IDIOT!
I WON’T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper Tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your MONEY stays where it is…”
The man has a few drinks… then a few more…
Finally…he asks, “WHERRRRE’S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!”
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face…
Next… he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up…The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside…They hear the pit bull barking… the guy screaming…the
pit bull yelping … and then….SILENCE
Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.. with his shirt ripped… and large, bloody scratches all over his body…
“NOW…” he says…
“WHERE’S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?!?!
Col ]:)
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June 2, 2005 at 11:35 pm #3171905
Funny as it is
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to For the birthday boy JD
I posted this in a yuk about two months ago…..
If that ain’t fitting, I don’t know what is!
lol!
Time for some sleep! If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW I will get three hours and 25 minutes sleep. woo hoo!
Tomorrow is going to hurt…..
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June 3, 2005 at 8:23 am #3172384
Actually I knew that as I had to dig it up
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Funny as it is
But I thought you could do with a gentle reminder as you sure as Hell will not remember why you did this to yourself tomorrow! 😀
Col ]:)
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June 3, 2005 at 1:11 am #3171897
Oz! Reclaim the Yuk!
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Stuff political correctness!
I used to look forward to Friday afternoon when the Friday Yuk was like the first buds of Spring, appearing to tell me that the weekend was nearly here! This week, we have a Yuk started two weeks ago last Thursday! I’d promised to post some good Essex Girl jokes but the Yuk hit my PC so fast that – in a state of panic – I posted some old crap with only one scoring over 4.2 on the Ozzimeter!
I was ashamed.
Gutted.
I could have done better.
Oz, I’m sorry for Colin but he will JUST HAVE TO WAIT! Friday Yuk on a Friday, please, from now on.
Neil 😀
Happy birthday JD
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June 3, 2005 at 1:49 am #3171893
Doesn’t Hurt now and again…
by black panther · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Oz! Reclaim the Yuk!
Neil for us Aussie’s to have a chance to read it hey! 🙂
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June 3, 2005 at 2:46 am #3171883
Read it on Monday!
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Doesn’t Hurt now and again…
It upset me yesterday when I got all excited before I remembered it was only Thursday.
I need counselling!
😀
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June 3, 2005 at 3:03 am #3172536
Read Friday yuk on a Monday???
by black panther · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Read it on Monday!
How mad do you think we are down here???
On second thoughts don’t anwser that! 🙂
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June 3, 2005 at 5:05 am #3172499
But you make me
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Read Friday yuk on a Monday???
read it on a Thursday just so you can wallow in your timezone superiority!
😀
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June 3, 2005 at 8:20 am #3172388
Thursday really??????????????????
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to But you make me
Well whenever I’ve posted a Friday Yuk except last week where the boss had driven me to distraction and I had gained a day I’ve always posted them around 4.30 PM and with a -10 hour time difference to GMT that would be 6.30 AM GMT. Now you can not be far off that time zone can you? :p
OZ just got in early this week because he didn’t like my crack last week about his AIDS. 😀
It was a little too close to the truth when he got to read it as he was seeing three images and couldn’t quite workout which was the right one. :p
Col ]:)
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June 3, 2005 at 8:13 am #3172394
Well in that case
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Read it on Monday!
The Lesbian who counsels the unemployed in “The League of Gentlemen” will be your counselor. 😀
Now do you really still need counseling?
Where the Young Ones
Young OnesCol ]:)
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June 3, 2005 at 9:44 am #3172342
Pauline!
by neilb@uk · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Well in that case
I have a thing about pens, too…
Anyway, Pauline isn’t a lesbian! She marries Mickey and gets shagged by Ross.
(LoG geek, me)
Neil 😀
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June 3, 2005 at 7:55 pm #3170413
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June 3, 2005 at 10:36 am #3172313
Done
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Oz! Reclaim the Yuk!
We’ll have to make it official that ‘Friday’ constitutes anytime after Thursday midnight Pacific Standard Time.
CANADA WINS WOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!
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June 3, 2005 at 8:00 pm #3170412
I’ll have a talk to John Howard
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Done
So he can ask his “Good Buddy George Bush” to invade Canada and give it to Australia to administer while the Yanks take all of the natural resources.
Just worry next time you see the US and AU military preparing for some “War Games” you’ll know that they are the first signs of invasion. 😉
Of course when the whole place has been bulldozed flat and there is nothing left but a bloody great hole in the ground where Canada used to be you can have it back. 😀
Col ]:)
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June 4, 2005 at 10:10 am #3170304
NO need
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to I’ll have a talk to John Howard
They YANK our natural resources without invading us….well, not a full scale invasion yet anyway.
Actually at this point in time, there are so many troops in Iraq that BOTH of Canada’s soldiers would actually give the US a run for their money. Once our boat gets back from the 4 PM whale watching tour, the navy will be ready to go too.
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June 4, 2005 at 11:25 am #3170285
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June 4, 2005 at 7:02 pm #3170220
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June 4, 2005 at 9:01 pm #3169898
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June 3, 2005 at 10:33 pm #3170394
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June 3, 2005 at 3:36 am #3172531
Still Friday here, so …..
by gadgetgirl · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Q: How do you turn a lemon on?
A: Lick its’ citrus ……
couldn’t resist…shows how mad/bad/dirty my SOH is!
Hope you had a good one, JD!
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June 3, 2005 at 7:13 am #3172429
Male Date Rape Drug Allert!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.”
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life”s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.
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June 3, 2005 at 8:29 am #3172380
You forgot about the really clever
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Male Date Rape Drug Allert!
Predatory Female. They will first allow the men to buy their own beer before they move in for the kill. 😀
Col ]:)
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June 3, 2005 at 9:03 am #3172366
Need help
by cortech · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Male Date Rape Drug Allert!
I don’t know how many times I’ve been victimized by this. The article doesn’t mention how dificult it is to get of this drug once you start.
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June 3, 2005 at 7:15 am #3172427
Here is to a healtier heart for men
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Submitted by Dr. Karen Weatherby
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women’s breasts is good for a man’s health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out” declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby. Dr.Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation,” explains Dr. Weatherby. “There’s no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.”
Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”
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June 3, 2005 at 8:12 am #3172398
I’ll live to be 120
by dmambo · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Here is to a healtier heart for men
Lucky that I get my “exercise” every day.
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June 3, 2005 at 7:17 am #3172425
What does Michael Jackson…
by dmambo · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
From my nephew – age 13. Blame him.
Q: What does Michael Jackson like about a room full of twenty-eight-year-olds?
A: There are twenty of them.
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June 3, 2005 at 7:41 am #3172414
Why does Michael Jackson
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to What does Michael Jackson…
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like Kmart?
A: He heard boys pants were half off. -
June 3, 2005 at 9:06 am #3172363
What does Michael Jackson…
by cortech · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to What does Michael Jackson…
Q. What did a woman say to Michael Jakcson at the beach?
A. Your in my son.
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June 3, 2005 at 10:54 am #3172287
Michael Jackson Thought…
by bob in calgary · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to What does Michael Jackson…
Boyz to men
was a delivery service
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June 3, 2005 at 11:39 am #3172265
okay okay
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Michael Jackson Thought…
Hear Elton John wrote a new song in dedication of Michael Jackson?
Don’t let your son, go down on me.
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June 3, 2005 at 7:26 am #3172420
In honor of the EL post
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law
Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son. (can I get an Amen Brother?)-
June 3, 2005 at 9:09 am #3172362
AMEN
by cortech · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to In honor of the EL post
Where is this lashing out at marriage coming from?? 😉 haha
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June 3, 2005 at 10:34 am #3172315
really funny stuff
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
http://www.newsnet5.com/family/4556245/detail.html
the article itself is somewhat amusing, but the last line is the killer!
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June 3, 2005 at 1:14 pm #3172224
No they don’t
by jellimonsta · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to really funny stuff
Drug addicts don’t commit suicide… they mug old ladies! 🙁
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June 3, 2005 at 2:16 pm #3170526
No doubt
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to really funny stuff
read it enough times and you can see what they were TRYING to say but the way it was put is just ridiculous.
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June 4, 2005 at 12:25 pm #3170275
I know.
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to No doubt
They were on their way to making a good point, but the delivery left much to be desired. Does this mean that love is more dangerous to society than drugs are? Can we arrest people for being in love. People do some pretty stupid things in the name of love. If I ever commit a felony I will say it was because of love and love’s deep psychological hold over me.
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June 4, 2005 at 6:06 pm #3170234
ITgirli that will not work
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to I know.
Currently I believe that the Authorities are developing a test to find out if you are driving under the influence of “Love” and if it can be proved that you are the penalties will be far worse than any other DUI charge that currently exists as this study has proved being in “Love” is really far more dangerous than driving while under the Influence of any Drug or Alcohol. :p
But if you where actually charged with a felony you could always claim that at the time you where suffering a sever bout of AIDS “Alcohol Induced Dizzy Spells” and you didn’t know what you where doing, that way you would most likely get off as there could be no intent proved. We actually had one guy get off a DUI charge here because he claimed in court that he was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing. And he was allowed to walk away free. 🙂
Col ]:)
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June 4, 2005 at 7:05 pm #3170218
One answer to all that
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to ITgirli that will not work
Get married, then you’d never be convicted of a love related offence, but you could easily plead insanity.
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June 4, 2005 at 9:07 pm #3169897
hey!!!
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to One answer to all that
not every married couple is insane from the marriage!!
I was insane before I got married.
and my wife preffers me this way.
makes life more interesting.in court, I just plead death.
( got the grave and cremated remains to prove it too ) -
June 4, 2005 at 10:05 pm #3169888
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June 5, 2005 at 3:49 pm #3169723
Love……
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
Love is a feeling, nothing more.
It does not fill one’s stomach.
It does not fill one’s pocket.
It fills one’s heart, but who has time for that.
Love is wasted on the young and remembered by the old.
What purpose does it serve other than to remind you of times you thought you felt it, only to be cast aside in such a foul way by the person that you cared about, to think that because you were treated in such a way that they never felt it either and if they never felt it, than how could you feel it. Then you wonder if you ever felt anything at all. Then you wonder if you will ever feel it, and yet you think you feel it all at the same time. To what end? Does it matter? Is it the root of happiness? Can a person not truely be happy without finding one’s other self. But then I suppose you would even have to subscribe to that belief in the first place. And so we all go around in belief of some greater power that is only a figment of one’s imagination (such as God? perhaps? Do you subscribe?) or a well done illusion that in truth is a trick of a third rate magician of no notariety. Why are we here? How much have I been drinking. I suppose there are some questions that will never be answered. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. In answer to the drinking question. Far too much. However, I am sure that if there are any typos in this that they will be pointed out by jck in just a matter of minutes. I’m waiting to be chastised. Bring it on! -
June 5, 2005 at 5:50 pm #3169694
Part of the problem of defining Love
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
Is that no one really understands what Love is. It is really part of the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe and Everything where the answer is actually 42 but no one has actuality bothered to consider the question.
But quite often Love is mistaken for Lust which is required to continue the propagation of the species, the fact that you can enjoy this even if only for a short time just goes to show how powerful it actually is an inbuilt need to procreate.
Col ]:)
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June 5, 2005 at 6:19 pm #3169691
What it could be
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
That comfort of just having that someone special around, with them not having to be doing or saying anything at all.
How when you think of plans in ten years it is not even concidered “will XXXX be there?”
How when you find they are with someone else you want to take a baseball bat and beat the f$#k out of that “special” person, the person they are with and the person they are withs entire family.
That is love.
Maybe I’m not the best person to get a job at hallmark right now…..
-
June 6, 2005 at 5:51 am #3171201
well now
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
take a chill pill.
don’t use a baseball bat, use a sword, faster to get real effect.love is knowing, with no doubt, that you will wake up with that person in your life every day.
and it’s by choice, not cause of blood ties that this is so.
-
June 6, 2005 at 6:25 am #3171188
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June 6, 2005 at 8:27 am #3171116
Hallmark
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
Would have a complately different reputation if I had a say in their cards too.
There would be the “F**k You Very Much”, card.
The “Stay out of my f*****g business” card.And a whole plethora of different FU cards.
As for your typos ITGirli; Ijust MUSt lean on them myself, I don’t get to do it often enough.
“and if they never felt it, than how could you feel it”Should be ‘THEN’ how could you feel it, not THAN.
“Can a person not truely be happy ” Should be ‘TRULY’, no E after the L.
“(such as God? perhaps? Do you subscribe?)”
Sentence fragmented.“or a well done illusion that in truth is a trick of a third rate”
Should read, “or a well done illusion, that in truth…”
” How much have I been drinking.” Missing a question mark.
“…some questions that will never be answered. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”
Should read “…some questions that will never be answered, for everything else, there’s MasterCard.”
Ah there were others too but I figured, “Hey if there is an INVITATION to chastize someone, who am I to NOT take them up on the subject?” 😉
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June 6, 2005 at 8:29 am #3171113
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June 6, 2005 at 8:53 am #3171097
Oz,
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
you calling someone on typos, is like the pot calling the kettle black.
itgirli,
if you are going to be alone for your entire life, then why get out of bed at all?
don’t we do everything with the idea of making our families better off?the gods don’t decide things like that, they have much more interesdting things to do, like fight, beat each other up, create storms, earthquakes, giant waves [ tsunami ] { tidal waves are literally the waves you see on the beach all the time, caused by tides }
-
June 6, 2005 at 8:56 am #3171096
Replies to all
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
Jaqui, while a sword is quicker, nothing is quite so satisfying as the solid feel of a blunt object….
Girli, try answering your mail once in a while so I don’t get rejected because your over your quota. Just my luck, I even get rejected by e-mail servers….
Then the biggest travisty in greeting cards. Did you know there is now a greeting card of someone your having an affair with? Makes me wish even more than ever that there is a god, just so I will know these people will be going to freaken hell! There, that is your religion lesson for the day boys and girls.
Well, I feel much better now that I got THAT out of my system.
-
June 6, 2005 at 9:14 am #3171075
to all…
by itgirli · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
Jaqui- thanks! I WOULD much rather not get out of bed in the mornings. Great idea! woo-hoo!!!! But then how would I get paid? pooh!
Oz- Thanks for the chastising. Though being as drunk as I was, I still think that I didn’t do too bad in typing. Also, Duracell is not the issue. I do not consider that and love to be any relation to each other. Love I can’t get.
jdclyde- hahaha! sorry about that. That’s the email address that most things are registered on, but not actually used. That’s my spam file. I’ll go clean it up just for you.
-
June 6, 2005 at 3:49 pm #3171483
ITgirli You have to get up out of bed
by hal 9000 · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
of the morning or you will need a different bed type as it smells bad when you urinate and have bowel movements in the bed so you have to get up if only to do that. :p
But you never know you can be working along quietly and one day something will come out and hit you bang smack in middle of the face and you’ll be tied up with that for the rest of your life, it is the unexpected things that make life worth living. 🙂
But of course knowing my luck it will be a loose rack mounting that allows a server to hit me one of those monster big ones that will leave you in drastic need of surgery. 😀
Col ]:)
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June 6, 2005 at 4:04 pm #3171474
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June 6, 2005 at 4:09 pm #3171471
Are you gonna take that JD?
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
Are you going to let THAT slide as an excuse?
It is my GARBAGE mailbox, just junk and crap I don’t want. I;ll dump the rest of the crap to make room for yours?
What kind of crap is that, certainly there must be someone you can complain to about this, try picketing (then you get to use crayons and color a sign!!!).
-
June 6, 2005 at 4:47 pm #3171451
sigh
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
story of my life, thrown in the garbage bin again.. (sniff sniff)
BUT, at least MY garbage is worth putting in the garbage bin? No, that CAN’T be what she meant? I know, my mails are WORTH putting in the garbage account? No, that still CAN’T be what she meant.
Woe oh woe!
BUT getting treated like garbage is STILL better than straight out rejection! I can handle being treated badly as long as I am treated!
-
June 6, 2005 at 5:53 pm #3171434
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June 6, 2005 at 6:11 pm #3171426
Went to Georgia
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to hey!!!
for his neices wedding. Going over a state like that he probably decided to hang around for a few daze. Remember, free beer.
Suprised he wasn’t on SOMEONE’s computer though. Must have got a good seat by the tap.
Fill us in jck when you get back.
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June 3, 2005 at 4:51 pm #3170466
Good One!
by av . · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
We definitely are a global village here, aren’t we. Happy birthday, jdclyde! To me, you are ageless. Hope you had a great day.
-
June 3, 2005 at 9:04 pm #3170402
Why are men so fascinated by sports??
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
cause it is a socially acceptable reason for them to spend hours staring at guys wearing tight pants!!!!
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June 5, 2005 at 6:22 pm #3169690
That explains it!
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Why are men so fascinated by sports??
I wondered why I never got into sports short of nascar.
So is it a bondage thing for the Canadians with Hockey?
-
June 6, 2005 at 4:05 pm #3171472
I wouldn’t know..
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to That explains it!
they don’t ever talk about womens hockey.
never have it in local arenawatching women in tight pants, or bondage gear..
well I’m all for that….oh..
yeah…
I do that all the time already..
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June 4, 2005 at 11:30 am #3170283
60 things NOT to say to naked guy
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, its cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why dont we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, theres a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4″ bigger.
13. Its ok, well work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, theres an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt
31. I didnt know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this wont take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didnt know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Wheres the rest of it?-
June 4, 2005 at 11:32 am #3170282
comments
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to 60 things NOT to say to naked guy
Quote:
3. Who circumcised you?
Unfortunately, I’ve seen guys who should be asked this, so that the practitioner can never do it again.
Quote:
7. Make it dance.
Actually, a lot of men that I’ve been with would take this as a really fun invitation! (Which says something about the men I’ve been with, I think).
Quote:
38. It looks so unused.
Well, those of us with a fetish for virgins say this as a means of showing appreciation.
Quote:
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
I am sure that there are men who would find dressing up their penis in Barbie clothes to be highly erotic.
Just a couple observations, mind you..
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June 4, 2005 at 11:33 am #3170281
100 Best Things About Being a Gay Man
by jaqui · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone “honey” including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have “been there, done that.”
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don’t know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
23. You’ve always got an opinion.
24. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You’re the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t actually an insult.
32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don’t even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don’t give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party’s over.
59. You know where to go after the party’s over.
60. You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear “a stitch in time saves nine” you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your “roommate.”
64. You know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
67. If your cat is a female, you swear it’s a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it’s a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand By Your Man.”
69. You’ve been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You’ll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
73. You’ve left someone totally speechless.
74. You’ve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to “get along”.
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
86. You’re Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88. Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes you’ve added side dishes.
89. You know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and ‘important issues” can be about hair.
90. You’ve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) Steel Magnolias
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you’re in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too. -
June 4, 2005 at 9:11 pm #3169896
Hey JD, hope you had the perfect b’day now you need to take the…….
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
[b]The Perfect Dump[/b]
The Perfect Dump — Every once in a while, each of
us experiences a perfect dump, it’s rare, but a
thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down
expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth
sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the
water with the splashless grace of an expert
diver. But that’s not the end of it. You use some
toilet tissue only to find that it was totally
unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right
with the world and you are in perfect harmony with
it.The Beer Dump — Talk about nasty dumps. Depending
on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the
end result of too many beers. it could have been 2
or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a
malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for
days.The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket
fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you
all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.The Cable Dump — Long, curly and perfectly formed
like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It
loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly
serpent. You wonder admiringly, ”DID I DO THAT?
Where did it come from?” you leave the bathroom
pleased with yourself.The Latrine Dump — In case you didn’t know, a
latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around
it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to
dump. Tip: Don’t ever, ever look in the hole.The Mona Lisa Dump — This is the masterpiece of
dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be.
Delicate and slender with intricacies that would
make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it
yourself. You may even want to break out the
Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far.The Empty Roll Dump – You’re done…you reach for
the toilet paper only to discover that empty
cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in
your throat. You could use the curtains…no,
someone would say ”Where are the curtains?” Then
what would you say? The rug?…too cumbersome.
Then you must come to the same conclusion that
every ”empty roll dumper” must face…Pull up
your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle
yourself to the nearest full roll.The Splash-Back Dump – You send the dump on its
way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl
creating a column of cold bowl water that washes
your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
Now you’re wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead
of wiping.The Aborted Dump – You are in mid-dump when the
phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off,
go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It
isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta
do.The Alfresco Dump — Everyone has had to go
outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather
pleasant experience really. The open air, the
nature, and a good bush all contribute to the
peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers
must have enjoyed. What can screw up this
harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a
patch of poison ivy.The Childbirth Dump — This is a dump that is
simply too big to go through the aperture provided
by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking
over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t
going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever
see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming ”Man dies trying to
hatch monster loaf.” You realize you’ll have to
resolve the crisis before you can leave the
bathroom. Basically there are only three things
you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just
hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you
through it.The Tijuana Trot Dump — The phrase ”Shit
Happens” really applies here in a big way. When
the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact
with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins.
For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you
carried your own portable toilet with you because
you will spend most of that time on the pot and
the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize why Mexico never had a navy.The Machine Gun Dump — You’re just sitting there
in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden
you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break
the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the
next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran,
cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking
something about ?damn Commies.?The Sound Effect Dump — You feel a noisy one
coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are
within earshot, so you must employ some clever
techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are
about to emit. Timing is obviously very important
here. At the precise moment of release, try the
following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing
the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or
drop a handful of quarters on the floorThe Security Dump — You have enough on your mind
when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about
a lockless door and someone bursting in to find
you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this
embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way
is to strategically place your foot against the
door. If you can’t reach to do this… hum loudly.The Cling-On Dump — For the most part you’ve
completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel
that refuses to drop off. You’re getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall.
So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle,
twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece
just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a
canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe
the person pounding impatiently on the door has
scissors.The Houdini Dump — You go, then you stand up to
flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where’d
it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream
the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight?
Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make
sure you went. Should you flush? You’d better,
because if you don’t, you know it will reappear
and smile at the next person who comes in.The Flu Dump — You feel so bad that you don’t
know which end of you to put down first. You have
roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of
nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you
stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a
vice so you sit down again…up down up down.
Don’t you wish Mom were close by?The Porta-Pottie Dump — Construction workers and
outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in
a portable toilet. My best description would be,
?It’s like taking a shit in an upright coffin.?
It’s claustrophobic and it smells bad… best
advice… go in a paper cup.The Proctologist Dump — In the beginning, the
Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament,
but I hope he didn’t create this dump, because
there is nothing biblical about it — you run out
of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion.
The dump is right there at the end of your barrel
and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you
squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like
a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here.
One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your
intestine and wait until next time. The other is
to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it
yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??The Whole Roll Dump — No matter how much you
wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the
whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The
whole episode is consumer waste.The Graffiti Dump — You flush the dump and the
swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces
the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a
creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again
but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave
it. Its your choice.The Encore Dump – Ahhhh, you’re done, so you wipe,
put yourself together, wash your hands and are
about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another
dump coming. You have to return for a curtain
call. The world’s record is seven encores.The Born Again Dump – This is a dump that’s going
so badly, you say ?Lord, if I live through this,
I’ll take up religion.? You always get through it,
but seldom keep the promise you made in
desperation, because a born again dump is like
childbirth… you forget the pain quickly.Dawg ]:) :^O
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June 4, 2005 at 10:08 pm #3169887
You missed one or two
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Hey JD, hope you had the perfect b’day now you need to take the…….
The Guinness dump. By far, making The Beer Dump seem like a simple morning poopsie.
The Scotch dump. AAAAACH, e-gad, laddy! Would ya loook at THAT!
I won’t go into details because those dumps are too nasty for public discussion but I think you know what I mean. 😉
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June 4, 2005 at 11:17 pm #3169876
what’s the difference?
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE
What’s the difference between fish and meat?
If you beat your fish it dies.
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June 4, 2005 at 11:43 pm #3169871
Missed a key point
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to what’s the difference?
Your meat will eventually puke and die too.
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June 5, 2005 at 6:53 am #3169827
Just like the movie
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Missed a key point
Night of the living dead. Just keeps comeing back…
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June 5, 2005 at 7:25 am #3169824
Actually you might want to drop the word ‘back’
by sleepin’dawg · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Just like the movie
:^O
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June 5, 2005 at 4:46 pm #3169715
Depends
by jdclyde · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Actually you might want to drop the word ‘back’
on what she looks like….
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June 6, 2005 at 8:31 am #3171112
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June 6, 2005 at 8:34 am #3171111
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June 6, 2005 at 11:34 am #3170966
Houdini
by jellimonsta · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Sick
That’s a houdini Oz. You spit on the back to fake the finish, then blast her in the face when she turns over :)…. it’s a magic trick!!
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June 6, 2005 at 4:12 pm #3171468
I take it back, THAT was sick.
by oz_media · about 18 years, 9 months ago
In reply to Sick
Actually the spit joke is a gay joke, that even many gay men laugh and joke over too, but I didn’t want to lay it out quite as blatantly as them because some people don’t separate a sense of humour from homphobia.
Actually, seeing as nobody’s looking, shhhhhhh. 😉 How do gay men fake orgasms?
They spit on their dates back and light a smoke.
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