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  • #2181923

    Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

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    by oz_media ·

    Yes, GLOBAL. Seeing as some of our peers are 19 hours ahead of most of us, we now need to consider the gobal time zones when posting Friday Yuk’s as it is politically correct to not desicriminate against others.

    [u][b]OUCH!!!![/b][/u]

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
    A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
    “What’s all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”

    “I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!”

    The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

    [u][b]Are you a cowboy?[/b][/u]

    An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

    He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”

    She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”

    The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

    He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

    Have a great weekend! :^O

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #3170561

      Oz, I was with you til…

      by jck ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      you said “politically correct”.

      I don’t wanna be P.C. sorry.

      I’ll just be polite and human. How’s that?

      cheers man…have a good weekend…off to a wedding tomorrow.

      • #3172204

        Have fun

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Oz, I was with you til…

        Drunken bridesmaids, have fun but be careful, the wedding bells will be in thier dream filled heads too.

        The whole PC rant was just a sarcastic comment at our dry humoured friends on the dark side of the Earth.

        • #3171973
          Avatar photo

          So OZ

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Have fun

          I take it that the first joke was from personal experience since you’ve got your TR mug right? 😀

          Have the AIDS increased as summer is now officially upon you? :p

          Col from the “Dark” side of the planet. ]:)

        • #3171963

          Nah

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to So OZ

          I’ve been out-ruded below anyway. 🙂

        • #3170232
          Avatar photo

          Well think of it this way OZ

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Nah

          On Sunday when you are lying back in the sun with a cold one in one hand and a reefer in the other I’m at work and hard at it. 🙁

          So While we start the weekend earlier here we also get to return to work at the beginning of a new week that much earlier as well.

          Col ]:)

    • #3170558

      Can coldwater clean dishes?

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      This is for all the germ conscious folk who worry about using cold water to clean. (ItGirli)

      John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

      After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

      His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as coldwater can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

      For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

      Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me! get to my car”.

      Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted …

      “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

      ************************************
      Happy Birthday toooooo meeeeeeeeee!
      ************************************

      • #3172202

        Joyous day of birth to you.

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?

        Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes
        Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes
        Hippo Birdie Deer Orangutan man (best I could do for clyde)
        Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes!

        • #3172186

          Sounds about right

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Joyous day of birth to you.

          “Anyway but loose” is as good a theme for tonight as any!

          Right turn Clyde!

        • #3172166

          Just don’t get the movies mixed up

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Sounds about right

          And walk into a gay bar thinking the theme was “Any Which Way you Can”.

          Now I don’t care who you are, that there is funny!

          (booooooo, I know, I know) :p

        • #3172141

          How timely!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Just don’t get the movies mixed up

          Just talking to my bud last night who was out scoping where we will go this weekend and he went to the Comedy club in Saginaw which had been closed down and saw lots of people coming and going.

          He went up and asked what the place was now and they told him “this is a gay bar silly!”

          No lie, and I laughed my a$$ off at him! What a hoot!

          (and yes, booooo!)

        • #3172534

          I’ve changed my mind.

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Just don’t get the movies mixed up

          I don’t mind Canadians after all. You can share my border any day.

        • #3172320

          Like we needed your permission

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to I’ve changed my mind.

          Or actually, like either of us have a choice….

          James

        • #3170398

          naw,

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Just don’t get the movies mixed up

          he’ll get the loose right.

          😉

      • #3172200

        Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?

        Seeing as your self gratification has already sung happy B-Day to you?

        But if it IS your B-Day, COOL!!!! B-)

        Happy Birthday to yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!
        Happy Birthday to yoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!
        Happy Birthday jd clyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyde!
        HAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYY BIIIIIIIIRTHDAAAAAAAAY TOOOOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!

        :^O

        So how ancient are ya now?

        Just remember, as long as the spout works in the morning you got nothing to worry about.

        • #3172190

          Well,

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

          the standard answer in “25 again”, I will let the secret out. 38.

          And yes, I am deeply into self gratification right now!

        • #3172173

          It’s allowed

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Well,

          Just have a good birthday and get baked, smashed, wrecked, FUBAR or whatever it is YOU choose to do. YOUR day, YOUR rules.

        • #3172019

          Happy

          by cuteelf ·

          In reply to Well,

          happy birth day dearrrrrrr Jaaaayyyy DEEEEEEEEEEE

          Happy birthday tooooo yoooooooouuuuuuuuuu

          (want me to jump out of a cake?)

          Hee hee
          Cute Elf

        • #3172013

          hmmmm

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Happy

          you are starting to know me pretty will it seems…

          I LIKE to have my cake and wear it too!

          My partner bailed on me, so it is solo at the bar tonight. Poor me! But with no kids and no wife, there is NO WAY I am sitting home with the dog tonight! After all, I don’t live in VA and can get in trouble for that sort of behaviour here! (lol)

        • #3172010

          Argh

          by cuteelf ·

          In reply to hmmmm

          i got stood up for my 21st b-day.

          I was dressed to the nines and sat and read on the couch. BF called and I was just a little bit peeved at him.

          I had even lined up two dates to make sure I’d go out.
          Neither of them showed up.

          🙁

          CuteElf

        • #3171995

          Really gets you when it falls through!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Argh

          unfortunately all the rest of my friends are either at home with two babies or they work second shift so that was my one shot at a drinking buddy!

          Well, I’m just getting ready to walk out the door after I pound a few advil and a redbull. Just sitting on the floor of my empty front room with my laptop scarfing some chicken fajitas.

          What are YOU doing on this late? Going on 9 pm here in eastern time!

          Well, as the saying goes it’s beer thrity! Got to roll. Hope I don’t have much on the books I can’t avoid tomorrow. Will probably feel a little crunchy.

          Night sweet thang.

        • #3171964

          Cool

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Argh

          You had a Bi-Female call you on your birthday?

          RIPPIN’, ! So then what happened?

        • #3171906

          Now THAT oz, is a visual!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Argh

          Here it is, 2:30 am and the last thing I see for the day is Elf in bi-love. I already know where my dreams will end up tonight! woo woo!

          Should sleep good as the killians went down easy. Hope I hear my alarm in 3 1/2 hours!

          Night all!

        • #3171972
          Avatar photo

          I suppose that would depend

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Happy

          On what you where wearing at the time. 😀

          But knowing you two the likely out come would be you both sitting around a table talking shop all day and night. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3171950

          Reply To: Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

          by cuteelf ·

          In reply to I suppose that would depend

          Wouldnt you like to know?

          Miniskirt…that long ago.
          Heels..
          etc…

          I thought I was more important than a job.(bf’s job)

          Now, I’m thinking, my job’s more important than my birthday.

          That’s what 20 years of life does to you.

          Oz, HE was definitely a man.

        • #3172133

          yes Oz…but, do you mean…

          by jck ·

          In reply to Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

          his “personal” spout, or the spout for the keg of Killian’s he might be working on?? ]:)

        • #3172114

          Either

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to yes Oz…but, do you mean…

          If you wake up and the kegs dry, it’s as bad as waking up and you rpersonal spout isn’t working. When BOTH are done in, It’s CHIVAS TIME!!!!!

          It’s that age where instead of it staring you in the face in the morning, it watches you tie your shoes.

        • #3172110

          LOL

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to Well need i say it then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

          Happy birthday JD first off!

          and OZ….don’t ask me why, but

          “Just remember, as long as the spout works in the morning you got nothing to worry about.”

          Got me busting out with laughter..lol.

          Of course I have been extremely down in the dumps today and tired…so maybe I just need a good laugh.

          THANKS!

        • #3172088

          Always a pleasure Tom

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to LOL

          Down in eth dumps? Sucks mate, chin up, smile and just remember; nobody else is half as clever as you are, spend your day walking around and laughing quietly to yourself at all the wierd, clumsy people who struggle and stumble through their day.

      • #3172187

        Happy Birthday!

        by itgirli ·

        In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?

        Have a happy birthday!
        May all your dreams come true!
        Hope you get a good lay!
        And your ex comes down with the flu!

        May you be an hour in heaven before the devil knows your dead!

        • #3172179

          I’ll take it

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Happy Birthday!

          although hoping for something worse than the flu.

          Thanks!

        • #3172174

          i tried

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to I’ll take it

          I was trying to rhyme and couldn’t think of anything else quick enough.

        • #3172171

          Try

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to i tried

          “And your ex dies of flu.”

          “Your exs’ lips turn bright blue’

          I dunno either, better start partying soon, I’ll be tipping a few for jd for sure!

        • #3172164

          or

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to Try

          And you ex is taboo?
          and your ex lives at the zoo?
          your ex pees in the pool?
          your ex needs to be b!tch slapped all around town until she’s black and blue?

        • #3172161

          Hah

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to or

          I was thinking the syllables were getting farther and farther off track, but I still like the last one best. Perhaps a whole new song is in order?

        • #3172148

          Perhaps.

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to or

          I’m really good at little things like that.
          I used to write them for coworkers.

          Dan. Dan. He’s a Steelers fan.
          And from what Gloria says, he’s not even a man.

          that was one of the clean ones. the rest I don’t think I can post.

        • #3172129

          THATS IT! THATS IT!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to or

          that last one was right on the mark!

          Who loves ya baby?

          xoxox

      • #3171965

        Happy Birthday and thanks OZ for the early posting

        by black panther ·

        In reply to Can coldwater clean dishes?

        Happy Birthday from Down Under! 🙂

        Many Happy Returns and thanks to OZ for the early posting!

        12:28PM Brisbane Time! 🙂

        from Wibby

        Subject: Wabbits

        A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
        little lisp between two missing teeth,
        “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

        As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
        he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
        thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
        bwown wabbit over there?”

        She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
        knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice,

        “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

    • #3170554

      What is politics?

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, ?What is politics??

      Dad says, ?Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I am the head of the Family, so call me the President. Your Mother is the administrator of the
      Money, so we will call her the Government. We are here to take care of your Needs so we will call you the People. And for our nanny, we will call her the Working Class. There is your baby brother; we?ll call him The Future. Now Think about that tonight and see if it makes sense.?

      The boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.

      Later that Night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him and finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The boy goes to his parents room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to
      the nanny?s room. The door is locked, so he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with nanny. The boy then gives up in disgust and goes back To bed.

      Next morning, the boy says to his Father, ?Dad, I think I understand the Concept of politics now.? The father responds with, ?Good, Son, tell me in
      Your own words what you think politics is all about.?

      The boy replies, ?The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
      Shit.?

    • #3170552

      Three ducks

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Three ducks walked into a bar.

      “Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the
      first duck.

      “Huey,” was the reply.

      “How’s your day been, Huey?”

      “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
      puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.

      “Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”

      “Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

      “So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

      “Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

      The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

      “No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is
      Puddles.”

    • #3172210

      How true, how true. (Best short joke)

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

      “Mum,” he asked, “are these my brains?”

      “Not yet,” she repied.

    • #3172209

      Have a ball.

      by cortech ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Ya know what happened to Cindarella when she got to the ball??

      She gagged.

      BTW – Happy Bday JD

      • #3172195

        Oh nooooooo!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Have a ball.

        Well it’s a fine line and a faded one to try and toe.

    • #3172208

      honest old lady

      by jck ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t Prepared for the answer. In a trial in a Southern small town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
      approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

      She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

      The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and as ked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

      The defense attorney almost died.

      The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll jail you for contempt.”

      Happy Birthday, jd…

    • #3172203

      Just a couple…

      by jessie ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      … blond jokes.

      Q: Why do blonds have bruises around their belly buttons?
      A: Their boyfriends are blond too.

      Q: What does a blond do after sex?
      A: Get out of the car.

      Q: How do you know if a blond’s boyfriend is happy with her?
      A: She’s got the imprint of his belt buckle on her forehead.

      Sorry, that was the best I could do. Nobody’s sent me any email jokes recently, and my favorite joke sites are blocked inside the network at work. Figures!

      • #3172193

        Smokes

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Just a couple…

        What does a bloonde girl do first thing in the morning?
        Goes home.

        What does a blonde girl say after sex?
        Thanks dad, got a smoke?

        okay, I’ll stop, we don’t need a rash of the same old blonde jokes again.

        • #3170396
        • #3170351
          Avatar photo

          So Jaqui

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to on that note:

          Just where where you last week?

          Where you offended my my inference that OZ sufferers severely from AIDS or are you going to claim that you where bust at your job?

          Col ]:)

        • #3170286

          Col,

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to So Jaqui

          been a couple of weeks where I no been around.
          working odd hours, putting systems together for friends and having to travel to “install a screensaver”

          yup, got a paid service call to install a screensaver.

        • #3170237
          Avatar photo

          Well in that case

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col,

          Can we change places PLEASE?????? 😉

          I spent several hours yesterday with a Work Experience person here and their computer which had a GPU fan die and take out the entire system. Of course I’m supplying the new bits for cost price and I’m getting her to put it back together this time but I still have to be here. Well at least I’m not allowing her to mess with Customers computers but to get a paid service call to install a Screen Saver now that is different I hope it was worth while. 😀

          Some people get paid too easily what is it that I’m doing wrong? 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #3170231

          well..

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Well in that case

          was it worth it?….
          not really, 4 hours gone for 5 minutes of effort.

          what are you doing wrong?
          easy, you hang with people that can read.
          it’s from people I know that are illiterate ( literally, they cannot read ) that I get calls like that.

          now gotta go spend 6 hours, to fix an outbreak express, on winxp for same person that wanted screensaver installer.

        • #3170236
          Avatar photo

          Since TR is messing up and double posting things

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col,

          I’ll add this here. 🙁

          LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

          Memory was something you lost with age
          An application was for employment
          A program was a TV show
          A cursor used profanity

          A keyboard was a piano
          A web was a spider’s home
          A virus was the flu
          A CD was a bank account

          A hard drive was a long trip on the road
          A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
          And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..

          … you just hoped nobody ever found out !

          I will not give the person who sent me this one the credit as they may just get a bit upset. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3170305

          HA HA

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to on that note:

          Thx Jaqui,

          Good for a chuckle, what an IDIOT the guy is though, and like his “daughter” said, “Wow. You really like to get right to it don’t you?”

          Nice home page, religious hypocrisy at it’s best. And I bet any money this guy walks around chastizing everyone for their little sins that he deems so sacreligious by HIS standards.

      • #3171969
        Avatar photo

        Don’t complain

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Just a couple…

        At least you can come up with something suitable to post here. All the jokes that I hear are sooooooo off color that I would be banned if I posted even the nicest ones let alone the funnest ones. 🙁

        Col ]:)

    • #3172194

      As promised

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and an Essex girl?
      The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?”
      The nympho says, “Are you done already?”
      The Essex girl says, “Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

      An Essex girl and a Scots girl were talking one day. The Scots girl said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him “Head and Shoulders” and it cleared it up. The Essex girl asked inquisitively, “How do you give shoulders?”

      What is the difference between a Essex girl and an elephant?
      About 40 lbs.
      How do you equalize the two?
      Feed the elephant.

      I’ll explain the following one on request…

      An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
      Medic: It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions
      Girl: OK
      Medic: What’s your name?
      Girl: Sharon?
      Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
      Sharon: Yes
      Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
      Sharon: Romford, mate

      And my favourite Essex Girl joke – ever

      An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
      “How many children?” asks the council worker.
      “Ten” replies the Essex girl.
      “Ten?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
      “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne”

      “Doesn’t that get confusing?”
      “Naah…” says the Essex girl, “it’s great because if they’re out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”

      “What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
      “That’s easy,” says the Essex girl… “I just use their surnames”

      Have a good weekend!

      Oh, sh:t! It’s still Thursday!

      • #3172180

        :D

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to As promised

        Uh….yeah.

        Well you started out a bit old, but the Wayne joke was a new one (to me) and Romford, well it just depends where you live.

        By the way, it’s only Thursday if you look at the calendar, otherwise it’s Friday everyday you want it to be.

        In North America it is pretty customary for workers to hit the bar after work on Fridays. Unlike UK where it is customary for workers to hit the pub at lunch. 🙂

        So my theory is, if we all get drunk and stay out patying all night everyday, then everyday is Friday.

        So go get legless and call it a weekend.

        • #3172122

          The weekend starts on Thursday around here!

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to :D

          Or at least it always did before I was married and responsible!

          Now that I am neither (ok, responsible every other week) it is about time to see what this area has to offer!

          Need to start getting back down to Detroit! Best rock bars! Haven’t been to Harpos in many moons!

          The OZ familiar with Harpos? Biggest small rock place in Detroit!

        • #3172096

          Only DTE

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The weekend starts on Thursday around here!

          I remember it well because the supporting act couldn’t get their equipment across the border from Toronto. They wanted to hold trucks for random inspection (three-days) but before they were cancelled and a local act brought in, they managed to wriggle their paperwork in front of the right guy and gave him M&G tix to the show for being a decent guy.

          I supopse security is a tad tighter since 9/11 though, don’t think you could wrangle a truckload of rock equipment across the border these days for a couple of tickets.

        • #3172089

          About 45 minutes from there right now

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Only DTE

          I LIVE at the DTE! They do lots of cheap shows and I take my boys to all of the rock-n-roll shows!

          At the ripe old age of 13, I would CONSERVATIVELY say they have each been to over 40 concerts and they love it!

          They went nuts when I took them to MudVain a few months back! (State Theater in Detroit)

          Playing at DTE, your acts are bigger than I thought if getting into that size of venues. Sweet!

          If ever in Detroit, check out Harpos. You will not be disappointed.

        • #3172080

          Not to be mistaken

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to About 45 minutes from there right now

          MY acts aren’t at the DTE, they are in Europe and usually run from 100o-1700 head venues. Unless on festival tours which, in case you haven’t noticed, are the biggest thing in Europe. BIG outdoor festivals for 3 days with a dozen headline worthy bands. The scene there is simply STUNNING whencompared to out here, the industry here has just gone to s**t.

          But when at the DTE I was on a world tour with a HUGE band, as an assistant stage manager, PR intern type of guy.

          Check out this lineup for a metal festival THIS YEAR in Germany:
          Bang Your Head festival:

          Twisted Sister
          Motorhead
          DIO
          Saxon
          Gammaray (Helloween)
          U.D.O. (ACCEPT 2005)
          Krokus
          and about 8 other well known bands.

          Now the BIGGIE (that I usually go to each year)Wacken open Air festival, and then there’s Bloodstock (showcased a few bands there)nice lineup this year too and DOZENS more.

          On North America we all wait patiently for Ozzy to bring OzzFest our way each summer and some of those shows are INDOORS!!! What is an INDOOR festival all about????

          Music is so dead out here, it’s all in promotion and CD sales, not performance and touring.

          The party went bye bye. 🙁

          I did the DTE with the A*********r/Priest tour, I think it was the DTE, (a really cool world tour that I learned a lot from), it was a driver for A*********r’s truck that got held up.

        • #3171962
          Avatar photo

          Well you could all work to AU time

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to :D

          But there may be a few draw backs like yesterday Kosta Zoo the fighter who is in the UK for a fight was out running as training and was pulled up by the Cops asking him what he though he was doing out at this time.

          His reply was I’m still on AU time and I’m training for the fight this weekend. I don’t know just how well that one went down but it is true. :p

          Or many years ago Wayne Gardner after winning that years World Championship for the 500 cc class returned to AU and was in the process of driving home when he was pulled up by a motorcycle cop who’s first question was “Who do you think you are the World Champion?”

          Unfortunately for Gardner his drivers License had expired while overseas so he was driving unlicensed as well. 😉

          Col ]:)

        • #3171959

          Just gave me a wierd thought!

          by black panther ·

          In reply to :D

          Imagine if there was no names for each day???? duh??? or no seven day cycle 🙂 or a different cycle 🙂

          I’ll shut up now! 🙂

        • #3170482

          Happens a lot to me

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Just gave me a wierd thought!

          Wierd thoughts that is, and strange voices. Sometimes I have to talk just to drown them all out for a bit.

          But I feel much better now. :O

    • #3172192
      • #3172177

        That’s pretty funny

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to sorry

        But then again, you get pretty much the same thing everywhere out here too.

        Isn’t a BJ illegal in some states still?

        How do you enforce THAT one?

        • #3172172

          actually

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to That’s pretty funny

          It’s illegal here in Virginia. As well as any position that’s not missionary, unmarried sex, butt sex, etc. However it is still legal to have sex with a farm animal thanks to Thomas Jefferson and his loose interpretations of the law.

        • #3172167

          So your allset then

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to actually

          LOL.

          You can’t be begged for a BJ but you can still get the kink out. Pretty goood deal for women, and perhaps a European website builder, but for guys it’s a pretty bad deal!

          What do you have to do to enforce it though?
          Complain to the police that your boyfriend made you do the dirty?

          Virginia huh? Pretty place but pretty backward too from the sounds of it.

        • #3172165

          No one cares about those laws

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to So your allset then

          Believe me. our police officers are being picked up in child porn rings. yeah, it’s pretty crazy here. Depends on what part you live in I guess. I don’t like it here. I want to move to a place that makes sense. Like Delaware. Delaware is a fun place.

        • #3172159

          Oh well

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to No one cares about those laws

          We all have our vices, funny how even the best places still have sordid stories isn’t it?

          As for Delaware, well, I don’t know Delaware but wouldn’t it be a pain in the ass crossing it by boat everyday while carry a flag in order to commute to work? That IS what they do in Delaware right?

        • #3172154

          nope.

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to Oh well

          That is the Delaware River which is actually between Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Delaware is the business capital of the world. (they have a nice tax system). Delaware is a fun little-visited spot that people should not go to because I don’t want anymore people in my perfect state. If you ever happen to hit the east coast, let me know and I’ll let you know where all the fun places are.

        • #3172094

          I wonder….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to actually

          does the farm animal sex have to be missionary?

          Butt sex, hahahahahahahaaaaaa.

        • #3171956
          Avatar photo

          So the sheep in Virginia

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to actually

          Have to be wary of the farm hands as well. 😉

          I thought that was confined to just Wales and New Zealand. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3172460

          I don’t know how frequent it is.

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to So the sheep in Virginia

          The law was written by Thomas Jefferson, and it really is wriiten as “beasts”, not necessarily farm animals. At the time of it’s writing, slaves were considered “beasts” as well as the oxen and cows and sheep. They were bought and sold as such. Well if you know anything about T.J., you would know that he had several children with one of his slaves mistresses. His actual law was written so he could do his slaves and necessarily the farm animals.

        • #3172440

          do you know why…

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to I don’t know how frequent it is.

          Scottish guys wear kilts?

          so the sheep won’t hear their zipper.

          farmers wear rubber boots?

          You stick the animals feet down in the boots so they can’t get away.

        • #3170382

          When the latter technique was suggested to an Australian sheep-shearer

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to do you know why…

          He cried “No way! Miss out on all the kissing?”

        • #3170350
          Avatar photo

          No Neil you got it all wrong

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to do you know why…

          The suggestion was actually made to an Kiwi Sheerer working in Australia not an Australian Shearer as it was up until recently only the Kiwi’s who used the wide combs while shearing the sheep so they could have more time at the end of the day to play with them. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3170284

          As ever, Col

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to do you know why…

          I accept the word of the master!

          What you don’t know about the erogenous zones of sheep – purely from a theoretical viewpoint, of course – isn’t worth knowing.

          😀

    • #3172156

      In honor of the

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      auditors that I have invading my office like cockroaches…

      What is an auditor?
      Someone who arrives at the battle field after the battle has ended and bayonets all the wounded.

      Why did the auditor cross the road?
      He looked in his file and that’s what he did last year.

      Why did he cross back?
      So he could charge the client for travel time.

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY JD! Go easy on the self abuse..at your age, you’re gonna need trifocals.

      • #3172095

        I didn’t know

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to In honor of the

        they made beer goggles in trifocals! See the things you miss when you stop hitting the bars?

        I am bummed out about one thing. I forgot to get down to the DMV to renew my plates and will get leached with a “late fee” now! Boooo!

    • #3172098

      dumb girls and flagpoles.

      by jck ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      One day, Debbie Sue was walking up to her high school when Joe Don walked up to her and said “Hey…Debbie Sue…I betcha $20 you can’t climb that there flagpole.” Being the stubborn, hard-headed country girl she was, Debbie set up to climb the flagpole and prove him wrong. When she got to the top, she looked down and Joe Don was gone.

      That evening, Debbie Sue was telling her mama about it and she looked at her and said “Oh Debbie Sue, those boys are such nasty creatures. I bet he was just trying to look up your dress and see your undies, dear.”

      The next day, Debbie Sue comes home with a wide smile on her face, and her mama asks her “Debbie Sue? Why are you so happy?” Debbie Sue looks at her and replies “I got that old boy Joe Don real good, mama…when he bet me I couldn’t climb the flagpole.”

      Feeling proud of her daughter, she asked “Well, what’d you do, Debbie Sue? Did you smack him upside his face?”

      Debbie Sue said “No, mama. I climbed that pole again!”

      Mama, looking puzzled, inquired “How’d you get him back doing that?”

      Debbie Sue grinned and replied “Since that nasty boy wanted to see my panties…I just didn’t wear any today.”

    • #3172097

      In honor of the Birthday boy

      by awalt ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      You know you’re getting old when…

      …all of your favorite movies are re-released in color.

      …you begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

      …you come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

      …you frequently find yourself telling people how much a loaf of bread used to cost.

      …have way too much room in the house, and not nearly enough in the medicine cabinet.

      …people call you at 9pm, they ask, “Did I wake you?”

      …the little gray-haired lady that you help across the street is your wife.

      …the pharmacist becomes your new best friend.

      …you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

      …you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

      …you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

      …you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

      …you sink your teeth into a nice juicy steak …and they stay there.

      …your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.

      …your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

      …your new easy chair has more options than your car.

      …you and your teeth don’t sleep together.

      …you look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

      …getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

      …the twinkle in your eye turns out to be the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

      Happy Birthday

      • #3172086

        Number 10, dead nuts!

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to In honor of the Birthday boy

        I think I have a FEW years before half of them.

        The problem with going out with the hot babe half your age is you have to put up with all the same crap you used to when you were that age!

        My wife is still under warranty, so it is time to trade in this defective model!

        Trade my 38 for two 19 year olds?

        (at least you didn’t get into the depends jokes!)

        Thanks for the birthday wish!

    • #3171953
      Avatar photo

      For the birthday boy JD

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      May you never know the problems of JR and if you find yourself in this position you have already had way tooooooooo much to drink. 😀

      A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills… The man guesses there
      must be thousands of dollars in it!

      He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

      “Well… you pay ten dollars… and IF you pass three tests…you get all the money!!!”

      The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up! What are the three tests?”

      “Pay FIRST…” says the bartender… “Those are the rules.”

      So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar…

      “OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do…

      FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila…the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE… and you CAN’T make a face while doing it…

      SECOND: There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth…You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS…

      THIRD: There’s a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse… You’ve gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her.”

      The man is stunned… “I know I paid my 10 bucks… but I’m not an IDIOT!

      I WON’T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper Tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!”

      “Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your MONEY stays where it is…”

      The man has a few drinks… then a few more…

      Finally…he asks, “WHERRRRE’S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!”

      He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face…

      Next… he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up…The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside…They hear the pit bull barking… the guy screaming…the
      pit bull yelping … and then….

      SILENCE

      Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.. with his shirt ripped… and large, bloody scratches all over his body…

      “NOW…” he says…

      “WHERE’S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?!?!

      Col ]:)

      • #3171905

        Funny as it is

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to For the birthday boy JD

        I posted this in a yuk about two months ago…..

        If that ain’t fitting, I don’t know what is!

        lol!

        Time for some sleep! If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW I will get three hours and 25 minutes sleep. woo hoo!

        Tomorrow is going to hurt…..

        • #3172384
          Avatar photo

          Actually I knew that as I had to dig it up

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Funny as it is

          But I thought you could do with a gentle reminder as you sure as Hell will not remember why you did this to yourself tomorrow! 😀

          Col ]:)

    • #3171897

      Oz! Reclaim the Yuk!

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Stuff political correctness!

      I used to look forward to Friday afternoon when the Friday Yuk was like the first buds of Spring, appearing to tell me that the weekend was nearly here! This week, we have a Yuk started two weeks ago last Thursday! I’d promised to post some good Essex Girl jokes but the Yuk hit my PC so fast that – in a state of panic – I posted some old crap with only one scoring over 4.2 on the Ozzimeter!

      I was ashamed.

      Gutted.

      I could have done better.

      Oz, I’m sorry for Colin but he will JUST HAVE TO WAIT! Friday Yuk on a Friday, please, from now on.

      Neil 😀

      Happy birthday JD

      • #3171893

        Doesn’t Hurt now and again…

        by black panther ·

        In reply to Oz! Reclaim the Yuk!

        Neil for us Aussie’s to have a chance to read it hey! 🙂

        • #3171883

          Read it on Monday!

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Doesn’t Hurt now and again…

          It upset me yesterday when I got all excited before I remembered it was only Thursday.

          I need counselling!

          😀

        • #3172536

          Read Friday yuk on a Monday???

          by black panther ·

          In reply to Read it on Monday!

          How mad do you think we are down here???

          On second thoughts don’t anwser that! 🙂

        • #3172499

          But you make me

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Read Friday yuk on a Monday???

          read it on a Thursday just so you can wallow in your timezone superiority!

          😀

        • #3172388
          Avatar photo

          Thursday really??????????????????

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to But you make me

          Well whenever I’ve posted a Friday Yuk except last week where the boss had driven me to distraction and I had gained a day I’ve always posted them around 4.30 PM and with a -10 hour time difference to GMT that would be 6.30 AM GMT. Now you can not be far off that time zone can you? :p

          OZ just got in early this week because he didn’t like my crack last week about his AIDS. 😀

          It was a little too close to the truth when he got to read it as he was seeing three images and couldn’t quite workout which was the right one. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3172394
          Avatar photo

          Well in that case

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Read it on Monday!

          The Lesbian who counsels the unemployed in “The League of Gentlemen” will be your counselor. 😀

          Now do you really still need counseling?

          Where the Young Ones
          Young Ones

          Col ]:)

        • #3172342

          Pauline!

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Well in that case

          I have a thing about pens, too…

          Anyway, Pauline isn’t a lesbian! She marries Mickey and gets shagged by Ross.

          (LoG geek, me)

          Neil 😀

        • #3170413
          Avatar photo

          Well that hasn’t been shown here yet

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Pauline!

          🙁

          Col ]:)

      • #3172313

        Done

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Oz! Reclaim the Yuk!

        We’ll have to make it official that ‘Friday’ constitutes anytime after Thursday midnight Pacific Standard Time.

        CANADA WINS WOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!

        • #3170412
          Avatar photo

          I’ll have a talk to John Howard

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Done

          So he can ask his “Good Buddy George Bush” to invade Canada and give it to Australia to administer while the Yanks take all of the natural resources.

          Just worry next time you see the US and AU military preparing for some “War Games” you’ll know that they are the first signs of invasion. 😉

          Of course when the whole place has been bulldozed flat and there is nothing left but a bloody great hole in the ground where Canada used to be you can have it back. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3170304

          NO need

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to I’ll have a talk to John Howard

          They YANK our natural resources without invading us….well, not a full scale invasion yet anyway.

          Actually at this point in time, there are so many troops in Iraq that BOTH of Canada’s soldiers would actually give the US a run for their money. Once our boat gets back from the 4 PM whale watching tour, the navy will be ready to go too.

        • #3170285

          and ..

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to NO need

          I’m sure the rubber band for the airplane engine has been replaced,

        • #3170220

          No way

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to and ..

          That part was over $5.00, well beyond Canada’s annual military budget.

        • #3169898

          but I know

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to No way

          that the flight engineers at cfb comox pitched thier annual salary into buying it.
          ( my cousin in law is one of them )
          so it did get replaced.

        • #3170394

          THAT GETS

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Done

          my vote Oz!!!!

    • #3172531

      Still Friday here, so …..

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Q: How do you turn a lemon on?

      A: Lick its’ citrus ……

      couldn’t resist…shows how mad/bad/dirty my SOH is!

      Hope you had a good one, JD!

    • #3172429

      Male Date Rape Drug Allert!

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.”

      The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

      Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.

      At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life”s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

      Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.

      • #3172380
        Avatar photo

        You forgot about the really clever

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Male Date Rape Drug Allert!

        Predatory Female. They will first allow the men to buy their own beer before they move in for the kill. 😀

        Col ]:)

      • #3172366

        Need help

        by cortech ·

        In reply to Male Date Rape Drug Allert!

        I don’t know how many times I’ve been victimized by this. The article doesn’t mention how dificult it is to get of this drug once you start.

    • #3172427

      Here is to a healtier heart for men

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Submitted by Dr. Karen Weatherby

      Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women’s breasts is good for a man’s health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

      According to the New England Journal of Medicine, “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out” declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby. Dr.Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

      The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation,” explains Dr. Weatherby. “There’s no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.”

      Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

    • #3172425

      What does Michael Jackson…

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      From my nephew – age 13. Blame him.

      Q: What does Michael Jackson like about a room full of twenty-eight-year-olds?

      A: There are twenty of them.

    • #3172420

      In honor of the EL post

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      Why do women have smaller feet than men?
      It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

      Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

      Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law

      Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
      Dad: That happens in every country, son. (can I get an Amen Brother?)

    • #3172315

      really funny stuff

      by itgirli ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      http://www.newsnet5.com/family/4556245/detail.html

      the article itself is somewhat amusing, but the last line is the killer!

      • #3172224

        No they don’t

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to really funny stuff

        Drug addicts don’t commit suicide… they mug old ladies! 🙁

      • #3170526

        No doubt

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to really funny stuff

        read it enough times and you can see what they were TRYING to say but the way it was put is just ridiculous.

        • #3170275

          I know.

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to No doubt

          They were on their way to making a good point, but the delivery left much to be desired. Does this mean that love is more dangerous to society than drugs are? Can we arrest people for being in love. People do some pretty stupid things in the name of love. If I ever commit a felony I will say it was because of love and love’s deep psychological hold over me.

        • #3170234
          Avatar photo

          ITgirli that will not work

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I know.

          Currently I believe that the Authorities are developing a test to find out if you are driving under the influence of “Love” and if it can be proved that you are the penalties will be far worse than any other DUI charge that currently exists as this study has proved being in “Love” is really far more dangerous than driving while under the Influence of any Drug or Alcohol. :p

          But if you where actually charged with a felony you could always claim that at the time you where suffering a sever bout of AIDS “Alcohol Induced Dizzy Spells” and you didn’t know what you where doing, that way you would most likely get off as there could be no intent proved. We actually had one guy get off a DUI charge here because he claimed in court that he was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing. And he was allowed to walk away free. 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #3170218

          One answer to all that

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to ITgirli that will not work

          Get married, then you’d never be convicted of a love related offence, but you could easily plead insanity.

        • #3169897

          hey!!!

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to One answer to all that

          not every married couple is insane from the marriage!!

          I was insane before I got married.
          and my wife preffers me this way.
          makes life more interesting.

          in court, I just plead death.
          ( got the grave and cremated remains to prove it too )

        • #3169888

          HAHA

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          You didn’t mention anything about love though! :^O

        • #3169723

          Love……

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Love is a feeling, nothing more.
          It does not fill one’s stomach.
          It does not fill one’s pocket.
          It fills one’s heart, but who has time for that.
          Love is wasted on the young and remembered by the old.
          What purpose does it serve other than to remind you of times you thought you felt it, only to be cast aside in such a foul way by the person that you cared about, to think that because you were treated in such a way that they never felt it either and if they never felt it, than how could you feel it. Then you wonder if you ever felt anything at all. Then you wonder if you will ever feel it, and yet you think you feel it all at the same time. To what end? Does it matter? Is it the root of happiness? Can a person not truely be happy without finding one’s other self. But then I suppose you would even have to subscribe to that belief in the first place. And so we all go around in belief of some greater power that is only a figment of one’s imagination (such as God? perhaps? Do you subscribe?) or a well done illusion that in truth is a trick of a third rate magician of no notariety. Why are we here? How much have I been drinking. I suppose there are some questions that will never be answered. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. In answer to the drinking question. Far too much. However, I am sure that if there are any typos in this that they will be pointed out by jck in just a matter of minutes. I’m waiting to be chastised. Bring it on!

        • #3169694
          Avatar photo

          Part of the problem of defining Love

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Is that no one really understands what Love is. It is really part of the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe and Everything where the answer is actually 42 but no one has actuality bothered to consider the question.

          But quite often Love is mistaken for Lust which is required to continue the propagation of the species, the fact that you can enjoy this even if only for a short time just goes to show how powerful it actually is an inbuilt need to procreate.

          Col ]:)

        • #3169691

          What it could be

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          That comfort of just having that someone special around, with them not having to be doing or saying anything at all.

          How when you think of plans in ten years it is not even concidered “will XXXX be there?”

          How when you find they are with someone else you want to take a baseball bat and beat the f$#k out of that “special” person, the person they are with and the person they are withs entire family.

          That is love.

          Maybe I’m not the best person to get a job at hallmark right now…..

        • #3171201

          well now

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          take a chill pill.
          don’t use a baseball bat, use a sword, faster to get real effect.

          love is knowing, with no doubt, that you will wake up with that person in your life every day.

          and it’s by choice, not cause of blood ties that this is so.

        • #3171188

          but….

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          what if you know you will never wake up with anyone for the rest of your life? What if you know you weren’t meant to be with anyone? What if you know you were meant to be alone?

        • #3171116

          Hallmark

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Would have a complately different reputation if I had a say in their cards too.

          There would be the “F**k You Very Much”, card.
          The “Stay out of my f*****g business” card.

          And a whole plethora of different FU cards.

          As for your typos ITGirli; Ijust MUSt lean on them myself, I don’t get to do it often enough.
          “and if they never felt it, than how could you feel it”

          Should be ‘THEN’ how could you feel it, not THAN.

          “Can a person not truely be happy ” Should be ‘TRULY’, no E after the L.

          “(such as God? perhaps? Do you subscribe?)”
          Sentence fragmented.

          “or a well done illusion that in truth is a trick of a third rate”

          Should read, “or a well done illusion, that in truth…”

          ” How much have I been drinking.” Missing a question mark.

          “…some questions that will never be answered. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

          Should read “…some questions that will never be answered, for everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

          Ah there were others too but I figured, “Hey if there is an INVITATION to chastize someone, who am I to NOT take them up on the subject?” 😉

        • #3171113

          What if you know?

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          ITGirli, that’s why God invented Duracell isn’t it?

        • #3171097

          Oz,

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          you calling someone on typos, is like the pot calling the kettle black.

          itgirli,
          if you are going to be alone for your entire life, then why get out of bed at all?
          don’t we do everything with the idea of making our families better off?

          the gods don’t decide things like that, they have much more interesdting things to do, like fight, beat each other up, create storms, earthquakes, giant waves [ tsunami ] { tidal waves are literally the waves you see on the beach all the time, caused by tides }

        • #3171096

          Replies to all

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Jaqui, while a sword is quicker, nothing is quite so satisfying as the solid feel of a blunt object….

          Girli, try answering your mail once in a while so I don’t get rejected because your over your quota. Just my luck, I even get rejected by e-mail servers….

          Then the biggest travisty in greeting cards. Did you know there is now a greeting card of someone your having an affair with? Makes me wish even more than ever that there is a god, just so I will know these people will be going to freaken hell! There, that is your religion lesson for the day boys and girls.

          Well, I feel much better now that I got THAT out of my system.

        • #3171075

          to all…

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Jaqui- thanks! I WOULD much rather not get out of bed in the mornings. Great idea! woo-hoo!!!! But then how would I get paid? pooh!

          Oz- Thanks for the chastising. Though being as drunk as I was, I still think that I didn’t do too bad in typing. Also, Duracell is not the issue. I do not consider that and love to be any relation to each other. Love I can’t get.

          jdclyde- hahaha! sorry about that. That’s the email address that most things are registered on, but not actually used. That’s my spam file. I’ll go clean it up just for you.

        • #3171483
          Avatar photo

          ITgirli You have to get up out of bed

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          of the morning or you will need a different bed type as it smells bad when you urinate and have bowel movements in the bed so you have to get up if only to do that. :p

          But you never know you can be working along quietly and one day something will come out and hit you bang smack in middle of the face and you’ll be tied up with that for the rest of your life, it is the unexpected things that make life worth living. 🙂

          But of course knowing my luck it will be a loose rack mounting that allows a server to hit me one of those monster big ones that will leave you in drastic need of surgery. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3171474

          Jaqui

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Seems you missed the ironic joke in that then.

        • #3171471

          Are you gonna take that JD?

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Are you going to let THAT slide as an excuse?

          It is my GARBAGE mailbox, just junk and crap I don’t want. I;ll dump the rest of the crap to make room for yours?

          What kind of crap is that, certainly there must be someone you can complain to about this, try picketing (then you get to use crayons and color a sign!!!).

        • #3171451

          sigh

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          story of my life, thrown in the garbage bin again.. (sniff sniff)

          BUT, at least MY garbage is worth putting in the garbage bin? No, that CAN’T be what she meant? I know, my mails are WORTH putting in the garbage account? No, that still CAN’T be what she meant.

          Woe oh woe!

          BUT getting treated like garbage is STILL better than straight out rejection! I can handle being treated badly as long as I am treated!

        • #3171434

          Oz, jdclyde

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          Oz- my sides hurt from laughing. What I type is not always what I mean. I didn’t even think anything of it. funny though.

          jdclyde- at least your not jck.

          by the way, haven’t seen him. Did he go Lobo?

        • #3171426

          Went to Georgia

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to hey!!!

          for his neices wedding. Going over a state like that he probably decided to hang around for a few daze. Remember, free beer.

          Suprised he wasn’t on SOMEONE’s computer though. Must have got a good seat by the tap.

          Fill us in jck when you get back.

    • #3170466

      Good One!

      by av . ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      We definitely are a global village here, aren’t we. Happy birthday, jdclyde! To me, you are ageless. Hope you had a great day.

    • #3170402

      Why are men so fascinated by sports??

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      cause it is a socially acceptable reason for them to spend hours staring at guys wearing tight pants!!!!

      • #3169690

        That explains it!

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Why are men so fascinated by sports??

        I wondered why I never got into sports short of nascar.

        So is it a bondage thing for the Canadians with Hockey?

        • #3171472

          I wouldn’t know..

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to That explains it!

          they don’t ever talk about womens hockey.
          never have it in local arena

          watching women in tight pants, or bondage gear..
          well I’m all for that….

          oh..

          yeah…

          I do that all the time already..

    • #3170283

      60 things NOT to say to naked guy

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
      2. Ahh, its cute.
      3. Who circumcised you?
      4. Why dont we just cuddle?
      5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
      6. It’s more fun to look at.
      7. Make it dance.
      8. You know, theres a tower in Italy like that.
      9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
      10. It looks like a night crawler.
      11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
      12. My last boyfriend was 4″ bigger.
      13. Its ok, well work around it.
      14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
      15. Eww, theres an inch worm on your thigh.
      16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
      17. Oh no, a flash headache.
      18. (giggle and point)
      19. Can I be honest with you?
      20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
      21. Let me go get my tweezers.
      22. How sweet, you brought incense.
      23. This explains your car.
      24. You must be a growing boy.
      25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
      26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
      27. Are you one of those pygmies?
      28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
      29. Every heard of clearasil?
      30. All right, a treasure hunt
      31. I didnt know they came that small.
      32. Why is God punishing you?
      33. At least this wont take long.
      34. I never saw one like that before.
      35. What do you call this?
      36. But it still works, right?
      37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
      38. It looks so unused.
      39. Do you take steroids?
      40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
      41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
      42. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
      43. Oh, I didnt know you were in an accident.
      44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
      45. Aww, it’s hiding.
      46. Are you cold?
      47. If you get me real drunk first.
      48. Is that an optical illusion?
      49. What is that?
      50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
      51. Were you neutered?
      52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
      53. Does it come with an air pump?
      54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
      55. Where are the puppet strings?
      56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
      57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
      58. Never mind, why bother.
      59. Is that a second belly button?
      60. Wheres the rest of it?

      • #3170282

        comments

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to 60 things NOT to say to naked guy

        Quote:

        3. Who circumcised you?

        Unfortunately, I’ve seen guys who should be asked this, so that the practitioner can never do it again.

        Quote:

        7. Make it dance.

        Actually, a lot of men that I’ve been with would take this as a really fun invitation! (Which says something about the men I’ve been with, I think).

        Quote:

        38. It looks so unused.

        Well, those of us with a fetish for virgins say this as a means of showing appreciation.

        Quote:

        57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

        I am sure that there are men who would find dressing up their penis in Barbie clothes to be highly erotic.

        Just a couple observations, mind you..

    • #3170281

      100 Best Things About Being a Gay Man

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      1. You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
      2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
      3. You can call anyone “honey” including pets.
      4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
      5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
      6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
      7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.
      8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
      9. You really have “been there, done that.”
      10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
      11. You’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”
      12. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
      13. You can have naked men you don’t know in your home.
      14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
      15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
      16. You understand why the good Lord didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
      17. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
      19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
      20. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
      21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
      22. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
      23. You’ve always got an opinion.
      24. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
      25. You know how to dress strategically.
      26. Your car has an amusing female name.
      27. You’re the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
      28. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
      29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
      30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
      31. You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t actually an insult.
      32. There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
      33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
      34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
      35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
      36. You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
      37. You’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
      38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
      39. You know how to make an entrance.
      40. You know when to make an exit.
      41. You worry about people you don’t even know – like Liza Minnelli.
      42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
      43. You know how to program your VCR.
      44. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
      45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales
      46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
      47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
      48. You know when to play dumb.
      49. You know what to do for a hangover.
      50. Yes, you do have a condom.
      51. You’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
      52. One or more of the following apply to you:
      a) You adore Judy Garland
      b) You hate Judy Garland
      c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
      d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
      e) You don’t give a damn about Judy Garland.
      f) Who is Judy Garland?
      53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
      a) Bernadette
      b) Chita
      c) Barbra
      54. You made Donna Summer a star.
      55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
      56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
      57. You’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
      58. You know when the party’s over.
      59. You know where to go after the party’s over.
      60. You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
      61. When you hear “a stitch in time saves nine” you think of
      a) Your grandma
      b) Your face lift
      c) John Wayne Bobbit
      62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
      63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your “roommate.”
      64. You know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
      65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
      66. You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
      67. If your cat is a female, you swear it’s a lesbian.
      67. If your cat is a male, you swear it’s a lesbian.
      68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand By Your Man.”
      69. You’ve been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
      70. You’ll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
      71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
      72. You have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
      73. You’ve left someone totally speechless.
      74. You’ve shaved something other than your face.
      75. All your friends do not have to “get along”.
      76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
      77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
      78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
      79. You’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
      80. You’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
      81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in your kitchen drawer.
      82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
      83. At some moment in your life you’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
      84. You know your enemies.
      85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
      86. You’re Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan.
      87. You know that Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
      88. Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes you’ve added side dishes.
      89. You know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and ‘important issues” can be about hair.
      90. You’ve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
      91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
      92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
      93. You know, by heart, every line in:
      a) All about Eve
      b) Steel Magnolias
      c) Your face
      94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
      95. You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.
      96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
      97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
      98. Even if you’re in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
      99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
      100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

    • #3169896

      Hey JD, hope you had the perfect b’day now you need to take the…….

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      [b]The Perfect Dump[/b]

      The Perfect Dump — Every once in a while, each of
      us experiences a perfect dump, it’s rare, but a
      thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down
      expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth
      sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the
      water with the splashless grace of an expert
      diver. But that’s not the end of it. You use some
      toilet tissue only to find that it was totally
      unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right
      with the world and you are in perfect harmony with
      it.

      The Beer Dump — Talk about nasty dumps. Depending
      on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the
      end result of too many beers. it could have been 2
      or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a
      sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a
      malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for
      days.

      The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket
      fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you
      all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

      The Cable Dump — Long, curly and perfectly formed
      like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It
      loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly
      serpent. You wonder admiringly, ”DID I DO THAT?
      Where did it come from?” you leave the bathroom
      pleased with yourself.

      The Latrine Dump — In case you didn’t know, a
      latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around
      it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to
      dump. Tip: Don’t ever, ever look in the hole.

      The Mona Lisa Dump — This is the masterpiece of
      dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be.
      Delicate and slender with intricacies that would
      make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it
      yourself. You may even want to break out the
      Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far.

      The Empty Roll Dump – You’re done…you reach for
      the toilet paper only to discover that empty
      cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in
      your throat. You could use the curtains…no,
      someone would say ”Where are the curtains?” Then
      what would you say? The rug?…too cumbersome.
      Then you must come to the same conclusion that
      every ”empty roll dumper” must face…Pull up
      your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle
      yourself to the nearest full roll.

      The Splash-Back Dump – You send the dump on its
      way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl
      creating a column of cold bowl water that washes
      your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
      Now you’re wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead
      of wiping.

      The Aborted Dump – You are in mid-dump when the
      phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off,
      go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It
      isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta
      do.

      The Alfresco Dump — Everyone has had to go
      outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather
      pleasant experience really. The open air, the
      nature, and a good bush all contribute to the
      peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers
      must have enjoyed. What can screw up this
      harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a
      patch of poison ivy.

      The Childbirth Dump — This is a dump that is
      simply too big to go through the aperture provided
      by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking
      over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t
      going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever
      see your loved ones again. You imagine the
      newspaper headlines screaming ”Man dies trying to
      hatch monster loaf.” You realize you’ll have to
      resolve the crisis before you can leave the
      bathroom. Basically there are only three things
      you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just
      hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you
      through it.

      The Tijuana Trot Dump — The phrase ”Shit
      Happens” really applies here in a big way. When
      the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact
      with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins.
      For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you
      carried your own portable toilet with you because
      you will spend most of that time on the pot and
      the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
      realize why Mexico never had a navy.

      The Machine Gun Dump — You’re just sitting there
      in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden
      you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break
      the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the
      next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran,
      cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking
      something about ?damn Commies.?

      The Sound Effect Dump — You feel a noisy one
      coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are
      within earshot, so you must employ some clever
      techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are
      about to emit. Timing is obviously very important
      here. At the precise moment of release, try the
      following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing
      the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or
      drop a handful of quarters on the floor

      The Security Dump — You have enough on your mind
      when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about
      a lockless door and someone bursting in to find
      you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this
      embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way
      is to strategically place your foot against the
      door. If you can’t reach to do this… hum loudly.

      The Cling-On Dump — For the most part you’ve
      completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel
      that refuses to drop off. You’re getting
      impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall.
      So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle,
      twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece
      just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a
      canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe
      the person pounding impatiently on the door has
      scissors.

      The Houdini Dump — You go, then you stand up to
      flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where’d
      it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream
      the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight?
      Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make
      sure you went. Should you flush? You’d better,
      because if you don’t, you know it will reappear
      and smile at the next person who comes in.

      The Flu Dump — You feel so bad that you don’t
      know which end of you to put down first. You have
      roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of
      nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you
      stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a
      vice so you sit down again…up down up down.
      Don’t you wish Mom were close by?

      The Porta-Pottie Dump — Construction workers and
      outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in
      a portable toilet. My best description would be,
      ?It’s like taking a shit in an upright coffin.?
      It’s claustrophobic and it smells bad… best
      advice… go in a paper cup.

      The Proctologist Dump — In the beginning, the
      Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament,
      but I hope he didn’t create this dump, because
      there is nothing biblical about it — you run out
      of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion.
      The dump is right there at the end of your barrel
      and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you
      squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like
      a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here.
      One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your
      intestine and wait until next time. The other is
      to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it
      yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

      The Whole Roll Dump — No matter how much you
      wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the
      whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The
      whole episode is consumer waste.

      The Graffiti Dump — You flush the dump and the
      swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces
      the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a
      creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again
      but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave
      it. Its your choice.

      The Encore Dump – Ahhhh, you’re done, so you wipe,
      put yourself together, wash your hands and are
      about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another
      dump coming. You have to return for a curtain
      call. The world’s record is seven encores.

      The Born Again Dump – This is a dump that’s going
      so badly, you say ?Lord, if I live through this,
      I’ll take up religion.? You always get through it,
      but seldom keep the promise you made in
      desperation, because a born again dump is like
      childbirth… you forget the pain quickly.

      Dawg ]:) :^O

      • #3169887

        You missed one or two

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Hey JD, hope you had the perfect b’day now you need to take the…….

        The Guinness dump. By far, making The Beer Dump seem like a simple morning poopsie.

        The Scotch dump. AAAAACH, e-gad, laddy! Would ya loook at THAT!

        I won’t go into details because those dumps are too nasty for public discussion but I think you know what I mean. 😉

    • #3169876

      what’s the difference?

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Global Friday Yuk & B-Day wishes for JDCLYDE

      What’s the difference between fish and meat?

      If you beat your fish it dies.

      • #3169871

        Missed a key point

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to what’s the difference?

        Your meat will eventually puke and die too.

        • #3169827

          Just like the movie

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Missed a key point

          Night of the living dead. Just keeps comeing back…

        • #3169824

          Actually you might want to drop the word ‘back’

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Just like the movie

          :^O

        • #3169715

          Depends

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Actually you might want to drop the word ‘back’

          on what she looks like….

        • #3171112

          Sick

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Depends

          But I couldn’t resist. Isn’t that how some guys fake it? They spit on your back?

        • #3171111

          wow

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Sick

          I wouldn’t know. I like girls.

          Faking it, what is the point? If your bored, just leave. That or have her write that letter by hand.

        • #3170966

          Houdini

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Sick

          That’s a houdini Oz. You spit on the back to fake the finish, then blast her in the face when she turns over :)…. it’s a magic trick!!

        • #3171468

          I take it back, THAT was sick.

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Sick

          Actually the spit joke is a gay joke, that even many gay men laugh and joke over too, but I didn’t want to lay it out quite as blatantly as them because some people don’t separate a sense of humour from homphobia.

          Actually, seeing as nobody’s looking, shhhhhhh. 😉 How do gay men fake orgasms?

          They spit on their dates back and light a smoke.

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