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Humourous help required

By neil@home_in_UK ·
I am in the situation where all of my SAN storage space is being eaten up so fast that the system will explode in about March this new year. I can't act directly as the IT is outsourced to the company for which I work so it isn't my system. Their IS Management have been warned by me repeatedly since last January and have done nothing. Just to relieve my frustration, I want to write a paper titled "Disk Space Management" using humour.

They are a Windows/Exchange house (turns and spits) and used to be NetWare/GroupWise and the OS change is the main reason for the trouble.

Early thoughts:

Set all desktops to 740 x 480
Insist that all emails and documents are saved in 6 point.
Selective cull of users. Canadian seal-hunters gave me that idea.

Any help appreciated!

Neil

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I like number 2!

by neil@home_in_UK In reply to 7 to get you started.

Maybe I could convert all text to, say, Hebrew? I don't think this has vowels.

Good stuff, thanks!

Neil

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Try Cyrillic

by deepsand In reply to I like number 2!

Then, you can omit the 'silent' characters, which serve only to modify the pronunciation of consonants!

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Scripting genius required

by neil@home_in_UK In reply to Humourous help required

I need a script that will kill, hide the body and delete all files and mail for users who bring laptops to meetings just to pose.

It might help that the Thames runs past the front of the building

Anyone out there help?

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Elementary, my dear Watson

by deepsand In reply to Scripting genius required

A simple quantum black hole, a.k.a. singularity, should do quite nicely.

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The Devil's in the details.

by deepsand In reply to Elementary, my dear Watso ...

I neglected to inform as to the delivery vector.

1) Encapsulate the QBH in negative energy;
2) Attach said payload to an ordinary spam e-mail; and
3) Transmit via PPQTP (Point-to-Point Quantum Tunneling Protocol.)

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Exactly what I was after.

by neil@home_in_UK In reply to The Devil's in the detail ...

According to Hawking, Quantum Black Holes decay time is based on size so I can't be sure that spamming the users will get the timing right as they might decay before they open the email unless I can wrap them in a stasis field. I need to keep the QBHs very small and personal. Sucking the entire 4th floor into oblivion would solve my diskspace problem but might just give the game away.

I need to deliver the QBH as the user logs in so it's probably going to have to be vbscript though I'm worried that MS' stasis field object is a bit wobbly.

PPQTP is spot on, though, and our Networks Team have already agreed to open the firewall.

Any thoughts about using Wormholes? Damn Microsoft! This would have been so easy now NetWare's gone Linux.

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QBH vs Wormholes

by deepsand In reply to Exactly what I was after.

The creation of a stable wormhole would require several orders of magnitude of negative energy greater than that required to encapsulate a QBH.

As for the decay rate of the QBH, the presence of the negative energy capsule at the event horizon will block both the inflow of positive matter/energy as well as the outflow of any decay matter/energy, thus effectively creating a stasis field. Ergo, no additional stasis measures are required.

Let me know how this works out. There was this bully in high school ...

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Go monochrome.

by Oz_Media In reply to Humourous help required

*Go monochrome on all monitors
*Instead of using graphics and logos in documents, have users use keystroke drawings instead, such as;
(.)(.) but I guess that depends on the document.
*Require all backups be able to fit on floppy disk
*Explain that early predictions were right and recommend all desktops be swapped out for 386's because that's all they'll ever need
*Recommend using paper and pen more often to improve the handwriting quality of UK citizens as it is now a lost art that is in high demand
*Reccommend swapping out desktops for removable FLASH jump drives and a single shared computer.


But more than anything, post a wanted poster for the idiot who switched you to MS to begin with.

That's what happens when people jump on the MS bandwagon. "Hey, Jim and Joe BOTH say it's great, and they are BOTH Microsoft Certified System Enginneers, they MUST know better!!"

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Keystroke drawings

by house In reply to Go monochrome.

Keystroke drawings are a lost art. I miss those things.

Bring back the ASCII art.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
O`OOO`OOO```OOO`OOOO`OO`````OOO`````O
O`OOO`OO`OOO`OO`OOOO`OO`OOOOOO`OOOO
O``````OO`OOO`OO`OOOO`OOO```OOO````OO
O`OOO`OO`OOO`OO`OOOo`OOOOOO`OO`OOOO
O`OOO`OOO```OOOO````o`OO`````OOO`````O
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Representin' the scene at TR.

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( . )( . )

by neil@home_in_UK In reply to Go monochrome.

The new logo! I can but dream.

Thanks for that one, house!

Neil

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