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humpday yuk

By Jaqui ·
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the ****."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

--------------------------------------------

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says ... "Faaaaarrrrking **** dude ....... how much water did you drink?!!"

------------------------------------------

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

------------------------------------------

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

--------------------------------------

IF I DIDN'T HAVE PETS...

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the kennels.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree -- dog bones, stuffed animals, nor would I have to answer to people why I wrap them.

I would not be on a first-name basis with three veterinarians.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L-, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, G-O or W-A-L-K.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud season.

I would not have to answer the question:: "Why do you have dogs/animals?" from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.

How empty my life would be.


edited for layout

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WRONG Tig

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to The divorce thread won

That should have read Rot & Fester in Pieces! :)

Why it can't be wiped off the TR Servers Forever is way beyond me as that Monster tried to take over the place when it tried to mate with the Divorce Thread and become sentient.

Col ]:)

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Actually HAL

by Tig2 In reply to WRONG Tig

I'm kinda hoping that it is reduced to bit rubble in the server migration.

Some things just oughta be destroyed by any means, humane or inhumane.

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OK it's now official the EL thread is a HEALTH HAZARD

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Actually HAL

After reading this I went and Registered with the MS Partner Point is there no depths that the EL Thread will not force you to go to? :_|

Even the person who was responsible for starting that Disaster had to run away to Iran in the hope of getting killed.

By the way anyone know what happened to ProtusX? A quick death is too good for him. X-(

Col ]:)

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Protius

by neilb@uk In reply to Actually HAL

He popped in and out a few times logging from Iraq. His last post was just before he said he was relocating to Seattle and he's been quiet since then.

It is very spooky, EL surfaced, rolled over and went to sleep again - some unknown idiot answered a year-old post - and suddenly Levannah (Gret) pops up with a post on Julian's "Copernicus was right" thread.

I think she was drawn in by EL... ]:)

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So Gret's back Neil

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Actually HAL

That should keep some of the more Rabid Christians on their toes shouldn't it? :^0

Col ]:)

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It will be interesting to see what is left

by j.lupo In reply to Actually HAL

after all the servers are migrated. You never know what might accidentally, purposefully, appear/disappear. :)

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An old discussion like that

by jdclyde In reply to I still don't see it on p ...

would never show on the front page.

Also, this was under what at the time TR was calling "Too hot for TR". They would make sure that, my divorce discussion, and other non-tech threads would not show in the "hot discussion" lists, even if they were being posted to on a 10 to 1 ratio.

I think there started to be TOO many non-tech discussions for them to keep up with, so they gave up on that.

The third largest discussion was something about GWB, but I don't remember exactly what that one was about because there have been so many I can't keep them straight. They are all the same anyways.

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Well someone told me yesterday that it was on Page 1 - JD

by j.lupo In reply to An old discussion like th ...

So, I looked and looked for anything that would have pointed me to it. No luck. Thanks for your direction though.

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I wonder if TR has recently implemented

by OnTheRopes In reply to Not a hijack

some more site improvements because I'm seeing some posts disappearing, double posts and the "page not found" fandango again. I've gotten kind of used to it so I'm not going to tell anyone.

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I noticed too.....

by gadgetgirl In reply to I wonder if TR has recent ...

but as I'm five hours (I think - I'm chronologically challenged, as well as vertically challenged!) ahead of you, I hadn't let on either....

I keep thinking they do this just to increase my paranoia and get me admitted to the ward next door....

(jd's post t'other week - They're coming to take me awaaay! Ha Haaaa!)

Hey.

S'Friday. Wot u expect?!

GG

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