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humpday yuk

By Jaqui ·
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the ****."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

--------------------------------------------

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says ... "Faaaaarrrrking **** dude ....... how much water did you drink?!!"

------------------------------------------

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

------------------------------------------

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

--------------------------------------

IF I DIDN'T HAVE PETS...

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the kennels.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree -- dog bones, stuffed animals, nor would I have to answer to people why I wrap them.

I would not be on a first-name basis with three veterinarians.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L-, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, G-O or W-A-L-K.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud season.

I would not have to answer the question:: "Why do you have dogs/animals?" from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.

How empty my life would be.


edited for layout

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Hadn't noticed

by j.lupo In reply to I noticed too.....

any disappearing posts or anything like that. Interesting. Of course, everyone kept saying they saw links to other discussions that I don't see so who knows.

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j, it's Friday -

by gadgetgirl In reply to Hadn't noticed

my paranoia don't need no food on a Friday.....



GG

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ok - I won't deliberately feed your paranoia

by j.lupo In reply to j, it's Friday -

But I still hadn't noticed anything. Then again I am not on the privileged list. So, maybe these are features that only the select few get to see cause TR wants to try it out on you folks. :)

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NNNyyyyyaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!!

by gadgetgirl In reply to ok - I won't deliberately ...

ooops.
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too late....

GG

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TRI don't work that way

by Tig2 In reply to ok - I won't deliberately ...

Mostly it is a discussion forum away from the (m)asses where they can theoretically garner an opinion from a smaller group.

My TR looks like anyone elses. Posts disappear, reappear, pages don't load, posts magically duplicate.

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TT - I was teasing <EOM>

by j.lupo In reply to ok - I won't deliberately ...
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Now that's some kind of weird coincidence

by OnTheRopes In reply to j, it's Friday -

because we were just talking about your paranoia. B-)

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Server migration fun

by Tig2 In reply to I wonder if TR has recent ...

Won't be complete until September. Jay mentioned it in June, I think and just now they are mid-implementation.

As I understand it, they will get everything synched up soon.

Post lotto- will your post be read by millions... or reduced to byte rubble? Post and win!

Or not. :)

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Since you are on this subject...

by OnTheRopes In reply to Server migration fun

I attempted a six mile walk this morning and only got half-way before I decided I couldn't make it so I came back.

<tadumpum crash>

It wasn't too bad. That apple juice mix JamesRL hooked us up with is da bomb!

There was new stuff to see going the way I did today. The birds seemed to be entertained. They line up on the wires and laugh when I go by.

One house has a big-a** dog on a chain in the front yard. He was going nuts barking until I talked to him and told him to go find his ball. When I passed him again on the way home he just barked at me a couple of times with his tail wagging hard. I think he wanted to play ball or he was trying to lure me into the yard as a mid-morning snack.
Interesting stuff huh?

Anyway, I made it. It would have to be a cold day in **** before a girl tells me she walked 6 miles and I'm not going to go the distance. Right now the official poolwater temp in **** is 86 so it's not cold. I'm going to go check it out soon, hopefully before I get pummeled or have someone pull my hair. :0

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WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!! :)

by Tig2 In reply to Since you are on this sub ...

<insert cheering and foot stomping here>

I'm proud of you NeverBusted!!! Six miles is a GOOD walk. I'm glad to see you made it. But I knew you could.

Frankly, on a cold day in ****, I only do 6 miles on an indoor track, also known as the Mall. If I walk the edges, the circumfrence of the Mall is 1/2 mile. 12 trips around = 6 miles. You don't get bonus points if you body check the Seniors.

I'll get you yet. Next year you can come and walk the 3 Day with us!

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