General discussion


marriage in this day and age

By Lumbergh77 ·
Somebody sent me the links to the following 2 websites:

They paint a really bleak picture of marriage today.

I've always thought that it would be cool to someday find a good girl and get married. I'm not so optimistic about my chances of finding the one. I'm in my late 20s and it seems that most of the women my age around here are either single mothers, obese, divorced, smokers, or drink/party too much. I can't seem to find anyone that I would want to date, let alone live with for decades.

It seems that marriage is a HUGE risk for a guy these days considering that more than half end in divorce. The laws seem to favor the women and the men are financially screwed. There are lots of marriages that end merely because the woman is no longer happy and "emotionally fulfilled". This kind of stuff didn't happen 50 years ago.

How many of you guys are happily married? Unhappily married? Or single by choice?

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I can attest to the good and bad

by jdclyde In reply to marriage in this day and ...

First, to qualify my statements.

I will be going to court on the tenth for my divorce.

My ex decided that she was in love, just not with me. It happens.

I think that things are STARTING to even out as far as being fair in a split. Between the mens advocate groups and fallout from the feminist movement of women demanding to be treated EQUALLY. This means HUGE advances in some parts of life, and some major set backs in others.

How fair is it? I will know in a week. I DO know they are RECOMMENDING I should have to give her support even though we have equal time with out boys and I put her through college and she is gainfully employed.

Am I poisoned to the idea of having a mate for life in the form of marriage? No. I just need to chose better next time AND have documents in place to protect me in the next time around.

Like the KISS song goes, "Who wants to be lonely?"

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by Black Panther In reply to marriage in this day and ...

Marriage or any relationship is like a garden. It needs to be constantly watered and weeded.

It must be 50/50 to work well - although in most there is always one who will try to dominate the other.

Having common goals and values help. Also be aware of different character types - Myers Brigg.

Also whatever you desire or aspire in a relationship can also be responsible for the breakdown ie

If you enter a relationship for money and the money runs out so does the relationship.

If you enter a relationship for good looks and the person changes so does the relationship.


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tsk tsk tsk

by Jaqui In reply to marriage in this day and ...

I gave up looking for someone to settle down with.
wandered into a chat room and saw a story that someone had posted.
read it.
started hanging around until I caught the poster and was able to talk with her.
4 years later, went to Colorado to meet her in person.
about 6 months after that we got married.
no fights.
gone days without talking, but only because we had nothing to say. ( 24/7 in each others company )
still married, still happy.
( I look at other women, but ain't got the slightest interest in them. )

over anything important, we talk about it and reach an agreement before the decision is acted on.
neither of us will ignore the input of the other.
our relationship is based on honesty, trust, respect and communication. all four of which are required for a relationship to have any chance of lasting.

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second time around..

by Shellbot In reply to marriage in this day and ...

working on the second marriage..long story,but the first time around i was silly and got pregnant very very young.tried to make the best of it and married the guy..i stuck with it 9 years, but in the end i just grew up and he was in no way a match for me.

then i chat to some guy in Yahoo chat for a while..met him in person..he asked me to marry him a couple weeks a year later we Nov it will be 5 years.

Ya, we argue a bit..generally about who is right or wrong (we both very opinionated and like to think we are right)..there are days i would to throw dinner plates at his head..but ya know what, when its 2am and we been chatting about stuff we did as kids, the best way to do a particualr bit of OO code, politics, or whatever..I realise he is my best friend!
I think being able to talk to your mate is the most important thing in the world.
If you are already worried about divorce before you meet the right person..don't bother looking. Sometimes you just have to take that chance when you find someone you want to be with.

Other risks in life:
Eating a burger (e-coli)
Skydiving (long way to fall)
Plugging in toaster (electric shock)
Driving your car (accidents or drunk drivers)
Flying (bird sucked into plane engine)

way i see it..unlike the above things, in very few cases does marriage end in death :)

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as much as I put on

by jck In reply to marriage in this day and ...

being a reject, I'm actually single by choice. I could have been married long ago to girls from families that were friends of my family. But, I didn't feel connected to them. So, it never even got past the "getting to know" phase.

I'm like you. Finding someone I can trust, respect and admire is the same for me as developing the matter-to-energy conversion process from Star Trek would be: even though I think it's possible, it hasn't happened yet.

Nonetheless, don't give up.

As for divorce law, you're absolutely right. Even though women are considered equal under the law in this country, the divorce law more often than not caters to the "helpless/vulnerable female" stereotype and will give women ample support after a divorce even though they are able-bodied and could work to provide for themselves. In a lot of cases, the man gets little or nothing unless awarded custody of children. I saw a couple friends go through this in the past few years. One for the "emotional fulfillment" thing you mentioned. It was sad. Wife just up and decided she didn't want to be married anymore, even though the guy treated her like a queen, would go home from work and take care of the kids so she could have time to herself, etc.

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Why bother?

by Fonken Monken UK In reply to marriage in this day and ...

I've been with my girlfriend for best part of 4 years, and before that we were really good friends (we should have got together ages ago apparently, but there you go).

We have no intention of getting married, basically, becuase we see no benefit.

We are not relegious, so why have a church wedding?
We dont need a person in a dog collar, druidic robes or pagan head gear to tell us or anyone else how much we love each other.
We dont need to have a day of being ordered around by a photographer, capturing that 'special moment', when its really not about the couple involved anyway.
We dont seek the approval of others in anyway.
We dont really care who knows and who doesnt, the important people do anyway.

So really, why bother?

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Why to bother

by jdclyde In reply to Why bother?

If you plan on growing old with this person, there are many LEGAL reasons that you SHOULD get married.


Most states give a break to families. It promotes stable families.

Medical. If one partner doesn't have good medical, the other partners will cover them IF married.

Inheritance. If one should die (we all die sooner or later) then the surviving one will end up with what you both worked hard to build together. Otherwise most can be taken by direct family members. It has happened.

If one gets sick, the MARRIED mate can step up and direct the care of that loved one. If not married, unless you have power of attorny you have no legal say and can be pushed aside by direct family members. Also, in intensive care, it is often FAMILY members only. Your not married, your not family.

go to the justice of the peace and protect what you have built and will build together. Unless your feelings are not that strong for this person so your just "shacked up" until you get bored with them.

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A fair point..

by Fonken Monken UK In reply to Why to bother

..but not entirely valid to me (the UK at the end of my name should indicate why!!!).

Medical - well, he have the national health service, so no reason there. I even have company private health care which can be extended to common-law partners, so again, thats no reason for marriage.

Inheritance - well, does no one write a will these days? Perhaps I'm an exception as my old mans a will writer, but still, the state would recognise my other half's status as common law wife.

The examples you've given are all very USA specific, and I'm ont sure they bare that much relevance to me and my better half in lovely Warwickshire. Good points if your in the USA, but for me, really more evidence that its just not worth bothering with!

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by jdclyde In reply to A fair point..

Well, in that case completely ignore the man behind the curtain.....

I do forget that many places are not as family oriented. We also have common-law marriage, where if you live together for seven years (I believe) then in the eyes of the state you ARE married.

No, I don't know all the ins and outs of it.

Bottom line, if you don't have any financial or legal benifits AND are happy they way you are, I hope you have a happy life no matter what your marritial status is.

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common law marriage

by jck In reply to Oops!

in some states, it is 12 months of continuous relational cohabitation...then you have to give up half...married or not.

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