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  • #2181582

    MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

    Locked

    by jdclyde ·

    Took tomorrow off so I figured this IS my friday. One hour to go and I am FREE!
    My favorite one is the VERY LAST one. Hope you make it that far and have a great weekend!

    Real Air traffic controller dialogues

    Message Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”

    Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
    _____________________________________________

    Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

    TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

    Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
    727?”

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”

    Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

    Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

    O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

    United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
    _____________________________________________
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?”

    Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

    San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

    ___________________________________________________
    There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.

    Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

    “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

    ___________________________________________________
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

    Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

    Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

    Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
    “Because you lost the bloody war!”

    ________________________________________________
    Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

    Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

    Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

    Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

    ____________________________________________________
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

    __________________________________________________
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

    Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

    The 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

    Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark — And I didn’t land.”

    _________________________________________________
    While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

    “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

All Comments

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    • #3192495

      Well…

      by jessie ·

      In reply to MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

      Enjoy your day off with the boys and lunch with the cute geek. Don’t worry about us poor saps that have to come to work tomorrow… hugely pregnant and having to crawl around under people’s desks and plug in stupid stuff to people’s computers… Whoa is me… 😡

      • #3192489

        I will be going through withdrawls from this place

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Well…

        My DSL router died last night so NO INTERNET from home. Spend 45 minutes with some beotch from india to get it set so someone can call me tonight so they can send someone out tomorrow or the next! GRRRRRRR! X-(

        Besides that, it will be shopping, golf, lunch with a pretty lady and swimming. Hope your office is at least air conditioned!

        • #3192230

          That’s service!

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to I will be going through withdrawls from this place

          them flying in someone from India to fix it 🙂

        • #3192208

          Now that’s outsourcing!

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to That’s service!

          That’s what I always think when people start complaining about outsourcing. WHO cares if someone else has to put up with the bitching on he phone?

          Just give a local tech the address to go and fix it when you’ve calmed the client down a bit.

          As far as losing a support desk job, who the hell cares? That’s the absolute entry level into IT, if it is YOUR job, then there rae hundreds more just like it. You don’t lose a career when you lose your help desk job, you lose a telemarketing, customer support job, are people trying to say THEY don’t exist?

        • #3192210

          NIce try

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to I will be going through withdrawls from this place

          Hope your office is air conditioned. HAH!

          What will you do on Monday, while I am golfing, drinking or visiting a pretty lady for lunch?

          Right, hope your office is air conditioned. 😉

        • #3193298

          Here I am pool side

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to NIce try

          had the lunch with the pretty lady and did some shopping then took my boys to Grandmas to swim. It is about 92 F now and the sun is shining!

          Glad I set them up with wireless for Christmas! Now I can get my fix!

          Got a fan blowing on me, and sipping a blue or two. Life is good.

          And yes, when I go back monday, I DO HAVE A NICELY AIR CONDITIONED OFFICE.

          The good life.

          Hope your monday is as nice as this day has for me. Time to go cook up some ribs now!

        • #3193292

          just for that

          by jck ·

          In reply to Here I am pool side

          I’m gonna take Monday off after the rain-soaked weekend…and drink margaritas outside while you’re in your air-conditioned office dodging calls from your boss! hahahaha

        • #3193274

          Margaritas

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to just for that

          At least your taste in drinks is improving.

          Usually swill boy is OBSESSED with that swill drink!

          BWAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!

          Just about to leave pool side. Time to grill up some ribs! Got the window mount air conditioning in the guy cave last night so we will watch DVD’s tonight, just the boys and I.

          A good time had by all.

        • #3193272

          yeah well…

          by jck ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          Expecting a man to live on Guinness alone…would be like expecting him to…

          wait…I could live on Guinness!!!

          Thanks for straightening swill boy out…I’m having Guinness all weekend!!! 😉

          take care…have fun…it’s soup and crackers and Guinness for me tonite!

        • #3193407

          So much for the pretty lady

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          You had lunch with a pretty lady, dropped off the boys and…….YOU ENDED UP DRINKING BY YOURSELF????

          What’s wrong with THAT picture?

        • #3193404

          nonononono

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          Left boys home
          went to Benigans with pretty lady
          had lunch
          she went back to work
          I picked up boys
          went to pool
          drank beer.

          Today is a repeat, but without the pretty lady today…. Laptop pool side ROCK!

        • #3193391

          Notebook portability

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          I can agree with you there! I take my notebook to the track sometimes, I ALWAYS use it on the ferry, top deck on a sunny day while cruising the passage through the islands is pretty cool!

          I use my sat link more than my cable connection, unless I need to download BIG files (a gig or more) at home, then the extreme speed cable package is nice (I get from 650KB’s to just over a gig down depending on the server because nobody else has cable internet around here).

          But the TRUE portability of a notebook is appreciated with wireless or sat signals, my desktops seem like jail nowadays, they are just too big and too permanently planted for me to use them a lot.

          I cut out TR at the bar though,
          one; it is pretty lame to be in a bar with a computer, I’d have knocked out geeks with a computer in the bar at one time.

          two; I find I get a little TOO irritated by people’s posts and don’t use much tact when replying.

          Everywhere else though, fixing cars, working on the mainland, press reports while at a venue, etc. I have become SO accustomed to having access anywhere I go, I am lost without it, even if I a not using it, I still need the OPTION available nowadays anyway.

        • #3193363
          Avatar photo

          So we are all GEEKS

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          Who feel naked without out Notebooks right?

          That is probably why Notebook sales are rocketing at the moment and is the growth side of the PC Industry.

          Now the big question is why do sell other companies products so they can have a better business at the expense of our own? 🙁

          Anyway what new play toys are we going to come up with now that the Notebook and Tablet have become mainstream? 🙂

          From what I’ve seen of the current crop of PDA’s and e-mailed mobiles they aren’t for me as they look more of a play toy for the rich and infamous and they lack the processing power anyway not to mention the cost of actually using these things. The cost of using thew current range of Mobile Phones to brows the Internet is something that is left for CEO’s to justify to their Boards and are certainly more than I can afford anyway. 😉

          Perhaps we will all be lining up for implants when they become available so we can have a better faster interface with out computers. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3191672

          Hey Oz!!! Now we all know the reason for all those typos and spelling error

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          [b]two; I find I get a little TOO irritated by people’s posts and don’t use much tact when replying.[/b] :^O

          Hope you’re having a good one but remember after the 6th double, they all start to look good. Cheers!!! 😉

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3191654

          But Dawg

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Margaritas

          That’s exactly why you have to belt back the first half dozen, otherwise you get too picky and go home alone.

          At least this way you get first pick of the uggos and those that are just plain NASTY.

    • #3192220

      I’m feeling really guilty, you know

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

      Over here, we only EVER work five days. Saturday is [b]always[/b] either “go fishing” or “work at time and a half” and if the EU have their way, we won’t even be allowed to work the overtime…

      Anyway, in the spirit of the Yuk – received in my email today:

      Doc – “Hello, how can I help you?”
      Man – “I’ve got an orange willy!”
      Doc – “What?”
      Man – “My willy – it’s turned orange.”
      Doc – “Umm… I’ll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?”
      Man – “Not really”
      Doc – “What about stress at work?”
      Man – “Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack”
      Doc – “That sounds very stressful.”
      Man – “Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated”
      Doc – “Hmm, what about your home life?”
      Man – “Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got.”
      Doc – “That sounds stressful”
      Man – “Yeah, but I left her and I’ve never been happier.”
      Doc – “I see, what about your social life?”
      Man – “Social life? I don’t really have one.”
      Doc – “Really? What do you do in your spare time?”
      Man – “Watch porn and eat Wotsits.”

      ——————–

      • #3192206

        Just to fill in some peers who DON’T know whatsits

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to I’m feeling really guilty, you know

        Basically, picture Cheetos or Cheesies.

        • #3192204

          Oz, thanks

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Just to fill in some peers who DON’T know whatsits

          I didn’t know what was the US equivalent of Wotsits – “over-salted bright orange pseudo-cheesy fat-laden snacks” broke the narrative thread!

          😀

        • #3193406

          Close

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Oz, thanks

          Not exaqctly but a close equivalent.
          In Canada that same joke is a Cheesie joke.

          Now those little cheese flavoured crackers that Marks and Sparks has, THISE are addictive and don’t turn your fingers, and other parts, orange.

          Then those addictive butter bickies and the almond ones they do!!!

          Man I got to stop in M&S and restock one of these days.

        • #3192190

          Turned my veins orange

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to Just to fill in some peers who DON’T know whatsits

          We just came back from a hike for 3 hours, in Colorado. Stopped in a little convenience store with cold drinks and snaks, and a table. Gulped down cheetos and cold drinks.

          And I swear this is true, not urban legend,
          my veins on my legs turned orangish for a while!
          (temporary Cheetos disease syndrome?)

          [sorry, if maybe I shouldn’t have posted this in case it isn’t funny?]

      • #3192202

        I figured it out.

        by itgirli ·

        In reply to I’m feeling really guilty, you know

        kind of like cheez-its here. Funny.

        Now this is really funny.
        http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,121299,00.asp

        • #3192173

          Different strokes for different folks

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I figured it out.

          In this case, the one at chest height seemed to suit!

        • #3193246

          they gonna have

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to I figured it out.

          to take the video games away from them.
          completely destroy video gamimg industry around the world, after all it’s teaching people to become murderers.
          they do nothing but promote criminal activity, with far outweighs the small hand-eye co-ordination benefit they give.

        • #3193238

          A little nice levity

          by napa gnome ·

          In reply to they gonna have

          Wal-Mart Technology
          One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
          “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

          It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It’s a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

          So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
          “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.”
          That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
          Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.
          The computer prints the following:

          1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
          2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
          3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
          4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
          5 If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
          Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

        • #3191450

          Not all games

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to they gonna have

          Just the ones that glorify being a scumbag.

          There are many roll playing games where you are a hero out to save the day. Mass distruction for a good cause is different! 😉

          It is games like the Grand Theft where being a carjacker, drug dealer or all around scumbag is glorified that I agree 100% with you on this.

          These games do NOT EVER come in my house and I have had long discussions WHY they don’t. Also went the side note of how disapointed I would be if I found out they played them at a friends house.

        • #3191491

          So sad…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to I figured it out.

          I heard about that one on NPR several months ago… they were talking about the growth of the game industry in China, and talked about that. Insane isn’t it?

    • #3193095
      Avatar photo

      A new NASTY email virus

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

      If you receive an email entitled “Bedtimes” delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only area code 900 numbers. This virus is so bad, it will even mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

      IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the “Bedtimes” message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

      WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

      And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone!!!

      PS ?THERE’S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you – you’re on the computer!!!!?

      I haven’t used this for a while now so I think it’s about time that I spread it around the networks again just to see the look of horror on the faces of all the end users. Of course I’ll leave out the last paragraph. 😀

      Col ]:)

    • #3191671

      The True Meaning of the Word ‘Service!’

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

      The True Meaning of the Word ‘Service!’

      At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word “service.” The act of doing things for other people.

      Then I heard the terms:
      Internal Revenue Service
      Postal Service
      Civil Service
      Service Stations
      Customer Service
      City/County Public Service

      And I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “service” meant.

      Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

      WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.

      Dawg ]:)

      • #3191652

        Well done

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to The True Meaning of the Word ‘Service!’

        Now THAT’s an observation.

      • #3191533
        Avatar photo

        Got it in one

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to The True Meaning of the Word ‘Service!’

        They along with every level of Government are F#####g us over real good aren’t they? 😀

        Col ]:)

        • #3191439

          Yeah and we don’t even get kissed.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Got it in one

          :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3191364

          or the obligatory

          by jck ·

          In reply to Yeah and we don’t even get kissed.

          reach-around to show some gratitude. 😉

        • #3191361

          Now why is it you’d………………………….

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to or the obligatory

          be the first and only one to think of that??? LOL :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3191360

          simply put

          by jck ·

          In reply to Now why is it you’d………………………….

          I’m swill!!! Old age makin ya lose the memory, I see!! 😉

        • #3193010

          I wouldn’t say THAT dawg…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Now why is it you’d………………………….

          He may have been the first/only to type it out, but he certainly wasn’t the first to THINK of it… I thought the same thing myself… and I don’t even have the requisite parts for such a thing… 😉

        • #3193008

          I have the parts

          by jck ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t say THAT dawg…

          They just don’t get used cept for manual action 🙁

          Oh well…better to keep them prepared have someone else underuse them. 🙁

          home to my Guinness I go…I go…

        • #3174501

          You need to

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t say THAT dawg…

          hire a professional to resolve that issue. Think of it as therapy.

          And before getting all indignate, there were prostitutes before there were techs, and there will be prostitiutes after the techs are gone.

          Need to be SUGAR DADDY! Woo woo!

        • #3174441

          ya know…a lot of others have told me that

          by jck ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t say THAT dawg…

          but, I don’t wanna be the first guy to get a new disease where it like…explodes in your pants 4 weeks later…

          Besides…I did my wild, mindless phase.

          I gotta find a girl I can connect with…or, it seems pointless.

          The final outcome is the same…my hand just isn’t as warm and huggable.

        • #3192761

          Reach around…

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to or the obligatory

          I would settle for a slow jack and a ball rub,but noooooooooo ain’t happenin

        • #3174502

          Sounds like

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Reach around…

          you pulled into the self-serve lane….

        • #3174443

          I’ve been doing self-serve

          by jck ·

          In reply to Sounds like

          for myself for years now.

          At least I don’t have some bullheaded woman badgering me.

          God Bless America…now give me a damn beer!!! 😀

    • #3191489

      Monday morning!!! On the menu: Death, Senility and Old Age. LOL

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

      Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
      Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and
      she said, ‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left
      ear?”
      Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out
      and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this
      thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

      ———————————————————————–
      When the husband finally died his wife put the
      usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
      No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend
      of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well
      that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “I nursed him
      night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
      would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the
      big sh|t he always was.”

      ——————————————————–

      An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was
      really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching
      the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
      They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the
      old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as
      soon as they found something.
      Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
      It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
      bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
      butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.”
      The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

      ——————————————————–

      A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
      At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
      when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
      They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
      woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

      Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
      again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
      the husband cries out, “Watch that bloody wall!”

      ——————————————————–

      When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
      sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
      She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
      me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
      fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

      I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

      She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
      and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

      I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

      She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
      dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

      I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

      She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

      ——————————————————–

      Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
      decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
      adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
      few times a week to play cards.
      One day they were playing cards when one looked at
      the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been
      friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought
      and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
      Her friend sat and glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
      and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

      ——————————————————–

      THE SENILITY PRAYER

      Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
      liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I
      do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

      ——————————————————–

      Now, I think you’re supposed to send this to 5
      or 6, maybe 10. Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your
      friends if you can remember who they are.
      Then something is supposed to happen . . .I think.
      ________________________________________________________

      Have a great week!!! :^O

      Dawg ]:)

      Being the old fart that I am, I can get away with this sort of crap!!!

      • #3191486

        hehehe

        by jessie ·

        In reply to Monday morning!!! On the menu: Death, Senility and Old Age. LOL

        That senility prayer cracked me up! 😀

        • #3191482

          Being young, gorgeous and pregnant………………….

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to hehehe

          You’re much too young to truly appreciate it!!!

          BTW when is your little bundle of joy due to put in his/her appearance??? It seems like it’s taking forever. Are you sure it’s a baby??? The gestation period for elephants is something in the neighborhood of 720 days. :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3191459

          Oh you DIDN’T

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Being young, gorgeous and pregnant………………….

          just say that.

          I KNOW you didn’t REALLY say that!!

        • #3191440

          Bet your bippy I did!!! Amongst her other charms she has……………….

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to Oh you DIDN’T

          a warped sense of humor, like mine. I’ll even bet you that she’ll respond with a devastating comeback after she has dried her monitor off. Jessie is one of the great ones that we don’t hear or see often enough.

          Dawg ]:)

          As I said,”Her husband is a very lucky man. Now stand back. Jessie is coming after me with fangs out. :^O

        • #3191433

          Yeah

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Bet your bippy I did!!! Amongst her other charms she has……………….

          her hubby better watch himself and treat her good.
          She is within driving distance….

        • #3191420

          ROTFLMEAO

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Being young, gorgeous and pregnant………………….

          That’d be “Rolling on the floor, laughing my ELEPHANTINE a$$ off.”

          Q: What’s large and grey and goes round and round in circles?
          A: An elephant stuck in a revolving door.
          A2: ME in a grey mumu trying to remember what I was doing…

          31 days to my official due date. And it’s quite alright with me that it seems to be taking forever… as I keep telling people around here, “They’re much easier on the inside.”

        • #3191398

          What no fangs out??? Migawd woman, you’re mellowing out on me.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to ROTFLMEAO

          ROTFLMAO.
          Hope whatever it is will be healthy, happy and come with the normal assortment of ears, eyes, fingers, toes, noses, teeth and that you’ll love him dearly. Hmmmmmm. Better skip the teeth for a while if you intend breast feeding. My Mom, great lady that she was, always took great delight in telling everyone what a pain I was because I was born with a couple of teeth showing. Aside from the breastfeeding difficulties, at a week old I latched on to my Dad’s ear, drawing blood and leaving a small scar, which he delighted in showing off whenever he wanted to brag about how tough his boy was. He always said I put in my appearance screaming, kicking and biting. The screaming has since turned into a dull roar but I’m still capable of the kicking and biting part even if the teeth are now the best store bought implants that money can buy. BTW, on nights with a full moon, I’ve been known to howl a little. ;\

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3191382

          The fangs have been dulled

          by jessie ·

          In reply to What no fangs out??? Migawd woman, you’re mellowing out on me.

          🙁 by pregnancy hormones and low-back pain. Can’t remember what the hell I was doing, and can’t get there to do it anyhow. Walking helps the low back pain, but then my hips/pelvis don’t want to move… STBM.

          I’m looking forward to giving birth (well, to HAVING GIVEN birth) and I’ll “fix” hubby myself if I have to ]:) I’m NOT doing this ANYMORE!!!

        • #3191373

          Now that’s the girl I’ve come to expect and Hubby better mind his manners..

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          and his Ps & Qs.
          BTW, Fangs Out is a military expression, used on live fire exercises. It means you’ve got weapons on board, ready to fire, especially in a target rich environment. Fangs In, means you have weapons on board but the safeties are on while you are looking for and assessing potential targets. Thought I should clear that up and that you might want to know for future reference. Another BTW, you may have been slowed down a bit physically but you’re still plenty sharp enough, mentally. Now ain’t I sweet??? B-)

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3191369

          Sweet? Nah

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          You’re just a tacky suck-up. 🙂

          Hey, the truth hurts sometimes okay.

        • #3191362

          Oz are you trying to worry me???? I’d get real………..

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          nervous if I thought for one moment that you’d find me sweet. LOL 😉 BTW why are the bears so nervous in your neck of the woods??? Is it something like in Scotland where the men are men and the sheep are nervous???

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3193023

          Oz and bears…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          If the bears are nervous around Oz… well, I’d call him a real man… at least to his face. 😀

        • #3193006

          Bears? What bears?

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          THey have nowhere to live anymore, all the trees went to the US and ASIA (a big part of the whole issue about it).

          There ARE bears around, WAAAAAAAY up in the mountains, I mean way up, powerline access stuff.

          They also thrive in the parts of BC where the Province has protected forests though that nobody can log and in many cases public aren’t even allowed access to. Though we do have problems sometimes with them coming into residential areas, BECAUSE THERE”S NO FOOD LEFT WHERE THYE USED TO LIVE!!! Trees go, food and animals go to.

          I wish you guys would learn how to farm trees like they do in Europe!

          It’s not the bears who get nervous though, it’s the horses at the race track that are embarrassed. I’m pretty kind to them nowadays, when it comes to a contest of who’s bigger I just pull out enough to win. 🙂

          P.S. as for being sweet, I bet that when you wire up the old hip and put the teeth in you can be one sexy old codger. But you sure as hell aint sweet. 🙂

        • #3193003

          Oz… Oz… Oz…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          Lies about size may get you “in good” with the mares at the race track, but I’ve yet to meet a woman (other than those who appear on Howard Stearns show) who WANTS to have her tonsils tickled from the wrong direction.

          Like Goldilocks we like things to be JUST RIGHT… not too big, not too little, not too soft… if it’s big enough to feel it, and not so big that it hurts, then what REALLY matters is what you can do with it.

        • #3192998

          That’s what you don’t understand

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          “Like Goldilocks we like things to be JUST RIGHT… not too big, not too little, not too soft… if it’s big enough to feel it, and not so big that it hurts”

          You need to be quite the spelunker with the women I bring home when I’m hosed. Ever seen a swish basketball shot, doesn’t touch the rim? I live in indian land, they give birth to 5 year olds, carrier and all.
          And besides you are due to have a pup or too soon anyway, things are never quite the same.

          To be quite graphic, I prefer a snug fit rather than simply falling in and hoping to grab on before you disappear into the abyss. “Hey who turned off the lights! Hellooooooooooooo, can anybody hear me?”

        • #3192991

          Never had any complaints from my husband…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          … but then, I like yoga, which aside from keeping one flexible, keeps one’s muscles toned, including the entrance to the cave, and the tunnel walls…

          and I still assert that it’s what you can DO with it that counts.

        • #3192990

          That’s a different issue though

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          It’s how you use it that counts. You’re right.

          So why would you discount size with a comment like that? Size cannot perform and only little ones can? (make that, those that are JUST right)

          I also never said you were anything BUT perfect, just that things change ya know!

          As for excercise, sure it HELPS to a certain extent. For example, I have dated several former gymnasts/ current dancers and the constant workouts enable them to put both feet behind their head. That with a little Kegal workout leads to an interesting day at the mall.

          Oh well, I didn’t like the food fair anyway, tables were too small and I rolled over on some kids fries.

          Don’t know why HIS mom was so pissed off, I bought him more fries but I was the one with ketchup all over my back and I didn’t complain.

        • #3192807
          Avatar photo

          Well Jessie I hate to state the obvious

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          But getting Hubby fixed by no means guaranties you not getting pregnant again, it just means that all things being equal he will not be the one getting you pregnant. :p

          Your Hubby should do as I did I got the vet to come in and had “She Who Must Be Obeyed” spayed on the kitchen table and there have been no problems ever since. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3192794

          Oz

          by itgirli ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          If the hole is too big, what are you worrying about? She’s got two more. sheesh.

        • #3192780

          No Col,

          by jessie ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          You LOVE to state the obvious… and I hate to disagree with you… no wait, I LOVE being disagreeable!.. but if hubby gets fixed, it DOES guarantee I won’t be getting pregnant again, because, if he were to die, I would join a convent (once the kids are grown of course). I’ve been around enough to know that the man I’ve got is a rare gem, and it would take more time that I’ve got left on this earth to find another with whom I’m as compatible. 😡

        • #3192763

          women make things so complicated…

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          The only thing I look for when it comes to compatability is.
          Does plug D fit into sockets P,A,and M if so compatibility is assured.

          In all seriousness getting “fixed” is the best thing I have done involving my sex life,it allows for so much more freedom for my wife in the bedroom.
          Case in point, with my sperm count at zero my wife no longer has to chew to make a load go down;)

        • #3174562

          Girli

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          Three

        • #3174557

          Anykey, anyhole?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          Crunchie?

          Anyways, yes getting the guy “fixed” (didn’t know it was broke) is a good solution WHILE you are together.

          In my case, it has me nervious as hell getting divorced and run the chance she gets her ass knocked up….

          Another part of getting “fixed” that I don’t like. When you take your dog to get fixed, the dog does NOT BECOME AN “IT”!!!! The gender was NOT changed in anyway shape or form!

        • #3174522

          jdclyde…

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          Any hole hell yeah!
          You know what they say, any port in a storm!!!

          in all seriousness, my wifes’motto anything goes as long as she is getting enjoyment also, so I do my best to oblige, that way we both c u m away happy.

          crunchy? no
          That was the punch line of this joke as told by my doctor during the vasectomy.

          (doctor) do you know how to tell if your vasectomy was successful.
          (me) UH UM nope sure don’t
          (doctor) your wife will nolonger have to chew when she is finished giving you a bj.

          meaning I was such a manly man that my load was like a triple thick protein shake(good to the last drop)

        • #3174477

          A scary, evil thought for all you young studs!!!

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          [b]Vasectomies are not necessarily fail safe.[/b]They have been known to grow back together and your boys could be once again swimming upstream in no time at all. Why do you think they suggest taking sperm counts for the next few years??? Happened to a guy I know and it raised all kinds of hell in his marriage since he thought he could be sure that he was shooting blanks. Took he and his wife almost two years to straighten that mess out. I’m not sure there is any method that is 100% surefire. As my old grandad used to say,[b]”Sow your wild oats on a Saturday night and then go to church on Sunday morning and pray for a crop failure.”[/b] :^O

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3174466

          Oz it’s the knees that are effed up not the hips.

          by sleepin’dawg ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          It makes for a great excuse to just lie back and let the women jump on board to do all the hard work. The one big problem is when they insist on having it in the shower. Fortunately my new stall has a seat built in. Got to save the knees or what’s left of them, for skiing. :^)

          Dawg ]:)

        • #3174433

          Getting rechecked

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          Oh I have been thinking about that one, believe me! Under no uncertain terms do I want to have to start changing diapers instead of golfing at this point of my life!

          Actually after my boys were born, the EX’s sister kept trying to plant the evil seed of “oh, but wouldn’t you like to have a little girl to dress up?”

          The EX started to buy it, but I wasn’t fooled! The sister just was mad because my EX’s water broke early so they “took” the boys and she never even went into labor, while the sister had HARD labor each of her three times.

          I tried logic, “we can’t afford another baby”. (logic on a woman? What was I thinking?)

          So I went right for the jugular. “have you notices how big your sisters a$$ got after her second and third kid? Bet she NEVER will be able to lose that load!”

          About a week later the EX asked if we wanted to get me or her fixed, and my insurance would cover me getting it done.

          Problem solved.

        • #3174427

          my seeds

          by jck ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          are sittin in the silo going to waste 🙁

          oh well…at least I’m not makin some stupid ass wild oats who’s mama oats is a nutbag.

          Hey…I’ll get my hops level up tonite…more Guinness!!!

        • #3174327
          Avatar photo

          Well Jessie

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          That only applies if you are a willing partner in the actions. 😀

          It’s always once you no longer look like some modified Polarities exercise Ball that someone else might have other ideas. 🙂 I just had that visual idea in my head when you complained about being heavily pregnant and having to crawl around under desks to find problems. :p

          Sometimes these things are not always in our own control. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #3174287

          IT Girl

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          As for too big, you couldn’t possibly imply that thier mouths aren’t even bigger, especially without the teeth in or when they want something!

          As for the other one, people have usually moved in there years ago. This is a SMALL town, I mean SMALLER than a one horse town. If it wasn’t for the ferry connection to get up the coast, it would be complete forest still.

          As for the women in Vancouver, -ck’em and chuck’em, they’re not worth the time.

        • #3174286

          Anykey???

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          Your post was womewhat well said and then it went completely Tom Green at the last minute!

          Just NASTY, man, NASTY!!!!

        • #3174239

          OZ

          by anykey??? ·

          In reply to The fangs have been dulled

          nasty, yeah probably.

          funny as hell, absolutely.

          That is the way I like to operate,blind them with bullsh!t coming in, and leave them speechless on my way out.

    • #3174431

      Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

      by jessie ·

      In reply to MY Friday Yuk Yuk (took tomorrow off, naa naa)

      1943 Guide to Hiring Women:

      The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II.

      Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

      There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

      1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

      2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

      3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

      4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

      5. In breaking in women who haven’t previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

      6. Give the female employe in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

      7. Whenever possible, let the inside employe change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they’re happier with change.

      8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

      9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

      10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

      11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.

      http://www.snopes.com/language/document/transpor.htm

      • #3174322

        The more things change

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

        the more they stay the same! 🙂

        Loved 2, 6, and 9. And have seen them still be true today!

        What a find Jess!

      • #3174321
        Avatar photo

        Just one question here Jessie

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

        In Par 5 what exactly do they mean by “Service being slowed up?” 🙂

        In light of one of the above postings the mind boggles. 😀

        Col ]:)

        • #3173777

          A whole new light…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to Just one question here Jessie

          On 5, especially in light of the opening “In Breaking in new women” and “Service might be slowed up” My mind doesn’t boggle… it just happily skips back to the gutter. 😉

        • #3173112
          Avatar photo

          Well then

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to A whole new light…

          I’m glad that I’m not alone in the gutter. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3173108

          join the crowd

          by jck ·

          In reply to A whole new light…

          I get a chuckle every time I fly when the announcement says “Today, our flight attendants will be offering a beverage service.”

          First thing I think is “Yes…how much for a rum and coke…and a handjob?”

          I’ve been in the gutter for a long time…

          God Bless America…Land of the Free…Home of this Swill ]:)

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