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"No one here gets out alive"

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Jim Morrison. Poet? Insane? Dope-head? What difference does it make. The quote is self explanatory.<br />
<br />Lately I have been thinking a lot about how close I am to the implied outcome of it. I'm 43 now. My father passed at 68. My grandfather passed at 65 or 66. This means I have 22 to 25 years before I'm in the zone. Now, both of them were relatively healthy at the time. I'm already one foot on the edge. Well, maybe more like on foot on the lawn. Still, whatever it is I have much less to look forward to than look back on. This is the natural progression of life, of course. Everyone who lives past 35 or so is statistically in the same boat. But I'm not thinking along those lines. I'm thinking that I have nothing and my future looks like nothing.<br />
<br />Have you ever seen the <a href="http://www.hitentertainment.com/thomasandfriends/">
<em>Thomas the Tank Engine</em>
</a> show? The one thing that all the trains want to aspire to is being very useful. To have a purpose, a reason. There was an editorial in one of the recent Newsweek magazines. In it a guy talked about how after he got an early severance package during a cutback he wandered around in his retirement feeling useless. He realized that he defined himself by his job. This is not uncommon at all. Ask anyone, "What are you?" and they'll tell you what they do. "I'm a painter." I'm a teacher." I'm a computer geek." So what does that make me now? I was a computer geek. A damn good one, too. I pulled my fair share of miracles out of the IT hat. But it wasn't that which defined me. It was just simply that I was a techie. I hack therefore I am.<br />
<br />Now, I am just the unemployed/unemployable disabled lump on the couch. I'm extremely lonely, especially for female companionship. I guess that's why I kept hanging on to the Chinese lady even when I knew it wasn't fit. I'm also really, really, really, really tired of the pain. I'm tired of not being able to do the simplest things like go to a restaurant or a movie or just hangout. Even when I am visiting my family I can't really do it for that long. I'm even staying away from the computers. Nothing seems worth it anymore. With one exception, of course.<br />
<br />If it weren't for my son I would not be typing this now. I wouldn't be doing anything except rotting in the dirt. I hadn't really accepted that fact. I kinda alluded to it at times but it didn't really hit home 'till now. The straight up fact is that without him, I would not have a reason to live.<br />
<br />But even with that reason I seem to be having difficulties with my head. I'm thinking thoughts I don't think. I mean that they aren't coming from my conscious mind. It's not like there's someone else in there or that someone is mind controlling me (though to be honest I wouldn't know if it was). It's like thoughts that are independent of my will. They aren't thoughts about killing anyone or myself. They are more like thoughts about how it's really not worth going through the motions of life anymore.<br />
<br />I think maybe it's time to call the shrink again.</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/01/no-one-here-gets-out-alive.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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Six years and counting

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Today is the 6th anniversary of the passing of my father. You know, I don't think I'll ever really "get over" it. I don't think I want to.</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/six-years-and-counting.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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False Start

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">It's late. I should be in bed.<br />
<br />But I'm not. I'm here clickity-clackitying away doing a whole lot of nothing. There's actual stuff I could be doing. I could be putting together the <a href="http://www.webtrek.com/~sakura">Sakura Ichimon</a> web site like I said I would 4 months ago. Or I could be knuckling down and <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/bartlettpublish">learning to program</a> again. In fact it's so late that I can't finish this entry. I'll try for it tomorrow (well, today in about 9 or 10 hours). I'll need to get at it fairly early, though. The <a href="http://superbowl.com/">Super Bowl</a> will be on and I have to root my Steelers on to victory! 17hrs 03min 30sec to go. WhooHoo!!!</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/false-start.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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What a Super day

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">As I start this post there's 2:41:45 to go until kickoff. Go Steelers.

My son dropped by earlier to give me something he picked up at the Chocolate festival that's happened locally. It was a Steelers Pillow. He's the greatest.

We're going to a local sports bar to watch the game. Been going there for a few years but this year with the playoffs it's been wonderful. You should have seen the</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/what-super-day.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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We Won!

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">21-10

One for the thumb!

Hinze Ward is MVP.

The Bus calls it a career.

The Steelers are Super Bowl XL Champions!

Damn, would dad be happy. One for you, coach.</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/we-won.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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Dr. Sanity: SHAME, GUILT, THE MUSLIM PSYCHE, AND THE DANISH CARTOONS

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Dr. Sanity: SHAME, GUILT, THE MUSLIM PSYCHE, AND THE DANISH CARTOONS

It's sad to see all this hate and anger being leveled at the Islamic religion. Hundreds of millions of Muslims go about their lives living and loving and caring just he same way that you do. But because a very noticeable and violent micro-fraction of the populace run around spewing hate and rage you are ready to vaporize a</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/dr-sanity-shame-guilt-muslim-psyche.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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Take this to the bank!

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Damn! I just read the greatest quote every quoted. It's one that fits more today than any other time in history, I feel. Read it, then read it again. And then read it a third time. Remember it next time "they" poke their head up.

"[The] idea that whenever something evil happens someone particular can be blamed and punished for it, in life and in politics is hopeless."
-- Hayao Miyazaki</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/take-this-to-bank.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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Olympics

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">I'm sitting here right now writing this instead of writing the article I'm supposed to be writing. You could say I'm taking a break. You could say it, but it wouldn't be true. I'm just shaming.

I have the Olympics on TV and they are showing mens Curling. Who created this sport? Who was the first person to say, "Hey! Let's slide rocks across some ice and use brooms to make the go faster. </div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/olympics.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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Tears fall lke rain

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Maybe it's just the stress and uncertainty and depression. Maybe it's just the time of year<sup>*</sup>. Maybe it's the meds. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.<br />
<br />I have been a lot more teary than usual. Picture it; a <a href="http://static.flickr.com/18/23210135_20220a0653.jpg">5'10" 265lb man with a bushy bears and unruly hair</a> crying. Some movies that would normally just bring a lump in my throat now start some serious gushers. <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0325710/">The Last Samurai</a>, <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0097351/">Field of Dreams</a>, 50% of what's on TCM... I was balling like a baby today at the end of <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0035575/">Yankee Doodle Dandy</a>. And there's no way I'll ever be watching <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0097441/">Glory</a> again. Ever.<br />
<br />But the incident today got me thinking. This was not the kind of movie I should be crying after. Then it struck me that for the longest time I have had something bring me to tears nearly every day. It's not like fits of uncontrollable crying, just serious sobbing. It'll happen out of the blue for no reason. Or sometimes when a movie or TV show or song hits some unknown, unseen, unheard switch in my head. Then the waterworks just break right out.<br />
<br />It all feels like everything is slowly sliding away. If it weren't for my son keeping me grounded I don't know where I'd be. Or even if I'd be. But the pull seems to be getting stronger and stronger. It seems to be part of the reason I'm crying so much.<br />
<br />This morning when I woke up I was in so much pain. It was as much pain as I normally go to bed with. A decent nights sleep will make the pain go down to a level where I am fairly functional in the morning. Usually. But not today.<br />
<br />$DEITY I hope that tomorrow morning is better. And I hope that I can make it through the day without the dam bursting.<br />
<br />
<em>
<sup>*</sup>My father passed away on Feb 2nd, 2000 so this month is always difficult for me.</em>
</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/tears-fall-lke-rain.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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Tears fall like rain

by joe In reply to My UnKnown Blog

<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Maybe it's just the stress and uncertainty and depression. Maybe it's just the time of year*. Maybe it's the meds. Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

I have been a lot more teary than usual. Picture it; a 5'10" 265lb man with a bushy bears and unruly hair crying. Some movies that would normally just bring a lump in my throat now start some serious gushers. The Last Samurai, Field of Dreams,</div><p><div class="blogdisclaim"><a href="http://x-nc.blogspot.com/2006/02/tears-fall-like-rain.html">This post originally appeared on an external website</a></div>

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