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June 1, 2006 at 6:44 am #2193993
MY yuk yuk
Lockedby jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
[i]As tomorrow is my Bday again (already?) and I am here sick as a dog, (Bronchitis), I am going to try to cheer myself up.[/i]
Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!Q. Why do we put candles on top of a cake?
A. It’s too hard to put them on the bottom![i]in recognition of the PETS discussion[/i]
Q. What do you say to a cat on her birthday?
A. Happy birthday to mew!There was a rich guy and a poor guy, the poor guy asks the rich guy “so what did you get your wife for her birthday?”
The rich guy replies “a ferrari and a mercedes, so when she wants to feel rich she can drive the ferrari and when she wants to feel important she can drive the mercedes. What did you get your wife”
The poor guy replies ” I got her a pair of mocasins and a vibrater”
the rich guys asks “why?”
the poor guy says “If she dosent like the mocasins she can go f### herself”.[i]I know, pretty lame. Hope you can come up with something better. The meds got me pretty doped up, making even google difficult to navigate.
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June 1, 2006 at 7:14 am #3157588
Get well soon….
by dugadugdug · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Pre-Happy B’day JD and I hope you are feeling better tomorrow so that you can celebrate it as you see fit.
A day early but here’s some random thoughts (or groaners):
So there I was, in the bus station restroom, when I got this great idea for a novel. It’s about a girl who’s sitting there, broken-hearted, waiting for some guy to call her for a good time.
My wife is constantly nagging me. It’s always “get a job” this, and “get out of your pajamas” that. Don’t fence me in, woman!
Whenever I’m at a crossroads and struggling for moral guidance, I just ask myself, “What would Keith Moon do?” Because hey, if I ask, “What would Jesus do?” I’m less likely to wind up drinking a whole case of whiskey and then throwing a TV off a balcony.
If I ever became a porn star, I’d call myself “Willy Banger.” With movies being so predictable these days, it’s nice to leave at least one element of the plot a surprise.
Ever since I left my apartment and bought this house, I’m getting hit up for donations by all these charities like I’m filthy rich or something. Cripes, I just sent huge checks to both the Gas & Electric Cooperative and Clean Water & Garbage Removal Foundation *last* month!
A good non-sequitur is like a box of bacon: You never tell me you love me!
Here’s a tip: When hiring a hooker, hire the tallest one available and pay her in venison. That way you get the most bang for your buck (I know…insert groans here>.
I don’t know what bugs me more: that the old guy next door hangs his underwear on the clothesline, or that there’s only one pair.
Every time I look in the mirror and see more wrinkles and less hair, I realize that time passes very quickly and one must use it wisely. So from this day forward, I pledge to seize the day and use my time spreading the word that old-looking bald guys are hung like horses.
There are only 10 types of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don’t.
In some ways, it was sad to see my children grow into teenagers. Now they realize that “Night-Night, Bitchy-Head” and “It’s Sleepy Time, Cranky-Ass!” are not legitimate lullabies.
The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it’s more politically correct
(edited to correct format)
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June 1, 2006 at 7:28 am #3157572
Pre-Happy B’day JD
by heml0ck · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Get well soon….
Q: What do you give nine hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: “Happy Birthday To Gnu!”“Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Next time, take off the candles.”Q: Did you hear about the flag’s birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!Q: Did you hear about the tree’s birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: “Hey, what’s eating you?”Q: Did you hear about the dancer’s birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!# When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
# My Husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes – but where can you find a bloodshot tie?
# My wife refuses to use Inter Flora for people’s birthdays. She says she doesn’t think people would like margarine as a present.
# It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
‘Oh, I don’t know ,’ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
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June 1, 2006 at 8:49 pm #3165689
Looks like
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Pre-Happy B’day JD
we hit some of the same sites! Saw a few of those but didn’t want to make the list too long, ya know? People start skimming through if you do.
thanks!
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June 1, 2006 at 8:51 pm #3165687
“Don’t fence me in, woman! “
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Get well soon….
I am going to have to remember that one! 😀
Next time the EX DARES to TELL me something! B-)
Oh, I hope it is soon….. ]:)
Thanks!
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June 1, 2006 at 7:25 am #3157574
Poor JD..
by maecuff · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Sick on your birthday?
I have REALLY good joke, but I’m afraid it would make you laugh too hard, then you’d start coughing and feel worse, so I’ll keep it to myself.
I hope you feel better soon! And Happy Birthday!!
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June 1, 2006 at 7:44 am #3157567
Get back to work you skiver!
by neilb@uk · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he’d just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asked as he put on an innocent look. “The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
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Get well now, you hear? Have the happiest birthday possible under the circumstances…
Neil 😀
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June 1, 2006 at 7:56 am #3157558
Shoe laces
by onbliss · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Get back to work you skiver!
As I was reading, I thought somebody had tied his shoe laces 🙂
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June 1, 2006 at 8:02 am #3157554
aw man….
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Get back to work you skiver!
ya got me! 😀
I do feel the Irish coming out in me more lately though! ;\
Ever hear the Pat Godwin song “switch to beer”? B-)
Spend most of yesterday in the Emergency room, so I am thinking the drinking might be a little light. Will have a grand time anyways! ;\
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June 1, 2006 at 7:53 am #3157560
Happy getting older jd ;)
by stargazerr · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
So this date goes into the spreadsheet i am keeping for TR gang birthdays.
Here’s a joke to cheer your viruses up :
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!”He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son…what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, THAT!…Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, bitch, I’m married!!!”.
Broken table – $200
Hot breakfast – $5
Red Rose bud – $3
Two aspirins – $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time… PRICELESS!]:)
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June 1, 2006 at 8:53 pm #3165686
I think the reason
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Happy getting older jd ;)
I didn’t get the note/flower/breakfast is because I only said the “Leave me alone, bitch!” 😀
😡
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June 2, 2006 at 6:12 am #3165582
Nicely put SG
by rob mekel · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Happy getting older jd ;)
Wel I hope this one will be as nice.
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Company retirement policyAs a result of the reduction of funds budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this policy, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be put into immediate effect. The programme will be known as [i]RAPE[/i] ([i]R[/i]etire [i]A[/i]ged [i]P[/i]eople [i]E[/i]arly).
Employees who are [i]RAPED[/i] will be given the opportunity to look for other positions outside the Company. While being [i]RAPED[/i] they can request a review of their employment records before retirement takes place. This review is called [i]SCREW[/i] ([i]S[/i]tudy of [i]C[/i]apabilities of [i]R[/i]etired [i]E[/i]arly [i]W[/i]orkers).
All employees who have been [i]RAPED[/i] or [i]SCREWED[/i] may file an appeal with the senior management. This action will be called [i]SHAFT[/] ([i]S[/i]tudy of [i]H[/i]igher [i]A[/i]uthority [i]F[/i]ollowing [i]T[/i]ermination).
Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be [i]RAPED[/i] once, [i]SCREWED[/i] twice, but be [i]SHAFTED[/i] as many times as the management deems appropriate.
If the employees follows the above procedure he of she will be entitled to get [i]HERPES[/i] ([i]H[/i]alf [i]E[/i]arnings for [i]R[/i]etired [i]P[/i]ersonnel?s [i]E[/i]arly [i]S[/i]ieverance). As [i]HERPES[/i] is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received [i]HERPES[/i] will longer be [i]RAPED[/i] or [i]SCREWED[/i] by the Company.
The management wishes to ensure that younger employees who remain with the Company are well trained and therefore have set up [i]S[/i]pecial [i]H[/i]igh [i]I[/i]ntensity [i]T[/i]raining ([i]SHIT[/i]).
The company takes pride in the amount of [i]SHIT[/i] our employees receive. We have given our employees more [i]SHIT[/i] than any other Company in the area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough [i]SHIT[/i] on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the [i]SHIT[/i] you can stand.
—–
Have a nice long weekend all with lots of fun.Rob
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June 1, 2006 at 7:59 am #3157557
Hippo Birdies two ewes!
by tig2 · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Hopefully you will be feeling MUCH better soon!
Try to have a good birthday… after you are better!
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June 1, 2006 at 8:58 pm #3165682
I fully plan to
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Hippo Birdies two ewes!
feel much better, whether I do or not! B-)
And now that Dawg has clued me into the dark secret of water, I can purge the foul substance from my system!
I figure if alcohol is used to kill germs, I just need to boost the alcohol in my system and I will be better in no time!
Just have to remember, no T3’s while drinking or the night will be over pretty quickly.
Now I just need to find my darts! ;\
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June 2, 2006 at 4:44 am #3165614
JD- Try …
by tig2 · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to I fully plan to
Elderly single malt scotch, no ice. Sip slowly and let the warmth spread through you.
I get knocked over with Bronchitis every couple of years or so. Last years was particularly fun… NOT! Three different antibiotics, twice daily breathing treatments, and an overwhelming need to find someone who would kindly just shoot me. Un-fun. Hopefully you are able to at least enjoy this day.
A very happy birthday to you. May your year be good to you.
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June 1, 2006 at 7:59 am #3157555
A old joke, found on the internet.
by onbliss · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Dr. J. T. Gates, M.D.
231 Internet Lane
Webville, OH 24487May 25, 1999
Horace Duhnno
12 Connect Street
Webville, OH 24487Dear Mr. Duhnno,
Upon reviewing the test results and x-rays regarding your symptoms discussed during your examination on 5/18/99, I have been able to determine the cause and treatment for each of your symptoms as follows:
* The inability to straighten the fingers on your right hand is not the result of the work related accident in March. The x-rays reveal the same curvature in the bone structure that is associated with holding your mouse. Please use the keyboard and function keys for a period of at least 7 days, allowing the muscles and tendons to heal.
* The results of the blood work has revealed the cause of your stomach disorder is styrofoam consumption. Although this is a expeditious and effortless way of eating, please avoid over heating this material to prevent consumption of the product.
* The culture we did on your urinary system has confirmed that the repeated infections are the result of failure to relieve yourself as we discussed. Please excuse yourself from the chat room and frequent the bath room when necessary. If the antiseptic cream is not healing the zipper injury you experienced during your hasty return to the computer, please contact the office for a different medication.
* Please adhere to the diet we provided. The meals consisting of potato chips, pizza, and coffee have your potassium level high and we “must” get it under control with proper dieting.
* The examination of your eyes and the MRI revealed no causes for the headaches. After giving great thought to your lengthy conversation about your friends and time spent in the chat rooms, might I recommend that you reduce the 6 – 7 hours of chatting per day to a lesser amount of time. This should eliminate the visual strain and stress headaches.
* As a treatment for your depression, you might consider establishing more than one email address to provide the volume of incoming messages you seem to be seeking. Also, establishing an ICQ account would provide you another means of instant messaging and increase your “buddy list”.
* As suspected, the tenderness in your abdomen is a hernia resulting from carrying your computer to technical support and will require immediate surgery. We have scheduled admittance on 6/2/99. As per your request, I have contacted the hospital and am sorry to report that they have no facilities available for internet connection in the recovery nor private rooms. Therefore, it appears that the megafire wireless access will be necessary in order for you access the chat rooms during your hospital stay. Also, public relations has advised they are unable to fulfill your request to notify your “buddy list” once the surgery is complete. Nurse Forshey feels that is a request beyond their capabilities and extends her apology.
The hospital and my staff will be contacting you for additional information necessary for your surgery, so please have your phone line cleared and be prepared to accept incoming calls between 3:00 pm – 4:00 pm on 5/29/99
Sincerely,
Dr. J.T. Gates. M.D.
JTG/icq
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June 1, 2006 at 9:03 pm #3165680
All I have to say is
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to A old joke, found on the internet.
there HAS to be someone across the road from the hospital with an open access point! B-)
Just have to bring my yagi to extend the range!
;\
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June 1, 2006 at 8:29 am #3157538
Hope you have a great Birthday
by old guy · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
tomorrow. Hey, although Stargazzer pointed out you are “getting older” it’s good to get older. We just get better with age. 🙂
Hope you get to feeling better quickly.
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June 1, 2006 at 8:37 am #3157533
getting older
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Hope you have a great Birthday
sure beats the alternative. 😀
But what would she (being 16 years old and all) know about getting old? :^0
I am expecting a “good enough” recovery by tomorrow to be able to make a night of it. I might stay away from the tequilla for the night, so that is my idea of “taking it easy”. B-)
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June 1, 2006 at 8:48 am #3157528
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June 1, 2006 at 9:02 am #3157518
Ok, 17. We must
by old guy · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to I am NOT 16
have missed a year. :^0
Hey, we’ve worked hard to get this old and JD is still a young man! 🙂
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June 1, 2006 at 12:55 pm #3165868
Happy B-Day, JD…
by jellimonsta · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Ok, 17. We must
and hope you feel better soon. 🙂
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June 1, 2006 at 9:08 pm #3165677
Thanks Jell
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Happy B-Day, JD…
thanks mike, things seem to be on track to a quick recovery.
You would never know that I spent half of yesterday in the emergency room, unable to talk or breath.
Better living through chemistry!
It came on quick, and left just as quickly.
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June 1, 2006 at 5:21 pm #3165745
Well, if I’d know that you had to work to get old, …
by deepsand · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Ok, 17. We must
I’d have become a bum.
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June 1, 2006 at 5:25 pm #3165743
That’s just because
by old guy · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Well, if I’d know that you had to work to get old, …
I still hang out with my teens in the Youth Group and that keeps me young in heart and mind. I have to work hard to act as old as I really am. 🙂 After all, there are some perks to getting old. I just received my own AARP card this past week.
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June 1, 2006 at 9:04 pm #3165679
ah
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to I am NOT 16
she is cute when she pouts!
But stomping your feet indoors is a no-no and you must be punished! Time for your spanking! ]:)
😡
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June 1, 2006 at 9:10 am #3157514
Happy birthday, Old Guy #2
by m_a_r_k · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
You’re not getting better, you’re getting older. :^0
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June 1, 2006 at 9:27 am #3157503
Mark, maybe that should
by old guy · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Happy birthday, Old Guy #2
be Old Guy, Jr now that he’s catching up to me. What do you think? 🙂
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June 1, 2006 at 11:24 am #3157409
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June 1, 2006 at 9:11 pm #3165674
Like I tell my boys
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Happy birthday, Old Guy #2
I will be turning 25, again.
You are only as old as you act, and NO one would accuse me of acting my REAL age from reading my posts, which mirror real life pretty closely.
If anything, I am more restrained on TR, because I actually LIKE the people on TR! 😀
And if I do recall, I do believe you are actually older than I? ;\
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June 2, 2006 at 6:14 am #3165580
We have proclaimed you as
by old guy · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Like I tell my boys
Old Guy, Jr. Read above http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=195553&messageID=2025292 :^0
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June 1, 2006 at 9:30 am #3157502
whaddya call a boomerang that won’t come back?
by heml0ck · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
A stick!
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June 9, 2006 at 2:01 am #3144472
Ribbons!!
by md_hashim · about 17 years, 9 months ago
In reply to whaddya call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A couple has a dog that snores, annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring the woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were …or what we did …but, by God …We took FIRST and SECOND place.”
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June 1, 2006 at 11:39 am #3157407
Man, that’s why I like this joint.
by mickster269 · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
I’m not the oldest guy here, and the 17 year old girls are smart.
Happy Premature B’Day, jd.
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June 1, 2006 at 9:13 pm #3165673
Now who said anything about
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Man, that’s why I like this joint.
me being OLD?
Sure, Gazer is 16, she even showed us the website! :p
Thanks Mick
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June 1, 2006 at 12:24 pm #3157385
Have a good one Jd and don’t ………………….
by sleepin’dawg · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
get too much mud for your duck.
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
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June 1, 2006 at 1:01 pm #3165861
JD, don’t open this until tomorrow.
by old guy · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
I hope it works.
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June 1, 2006 at 1:08 pm #3165855
Thought I will wish you tomorrow….
by onbliss · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
…but what the heck…I better wish you today.
“Happy birthday. Have a wonderful day and keep smiling”.
ps:
Also have a wonderful life 😀 -
June 1, 2006 at 1:45 pm #3165839
Happy Birthday tomorrow and
by mr.wiz · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Get well soon!
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June 1, 2006 at 9:39 pm #3165668
Thanks wiz
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Happy Birthday tomorrow and
working on it!
got my homework done and now it is time for some of that “sleep” thing I hear so much talk about. Should be nice to try!
😀
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June 1, 2006 at 4:58 pm #3165758
Well JD as it now officially the second here :0
by hal 9000 · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
[b]HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!![/b] ?:|
Now remember that [b]Meds[/b] are extremely bad for you what you really need is to take a Keg of Scotch to bed with you and sweat it out with a [b]BAD WOMAN.[/b] While it might not cure you you will not remember much for the next few days. 😀
Now isn’t that a [b]Birthday Present[/b] worth having? B-)
Col ]:)
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June 1, 2006 at 6:07 pm #3165723
I should be doing my homework
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Well JD as it now officially the second here :0
but I couldn’t let some of these pass until morning. ;\
I would settle for a “not so nice woman” right about now too!
But definately no meds during that! Codine has a way of, shall we say, letting one down? :0
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June 1, 2006 at 9:09 pm #3165676
The important thing to remember JD
by hal 9000 · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to I should be doing my homework
Is no matter what you have to [b]Grow Old Disgracefully![/b] :0
Personally I find Trammel works much better than Codeine and without the side effects. :p
Cheers anyway. 😉
Col ]:)
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June 1, 2006 at 5:15 pm #3165747
Scotch works better than meds, …
by deepsand · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
as both Col and I can attest to.
[i]Non carborundum illegitimate.[/i]
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June 1, 2006 at 6:04 pm #3165724
I will find out
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Scotch works better than meds, …
tomorrow night!
I always like to get into the scotch an hour or so before heading out. Gets me in the right frame of mind, and gets the pump primed! 😀
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June 1, 2006 at 5:32 pm #3165740
This is sure to give you a laugh
by av . · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Subject: FW: A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST
——————————————————————————–PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU’LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURIN! G THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Happy Birthday JD. Hope you feel better soon. 🙂
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June 1, 2006 at 6:10 pm #3165722
Well AV
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to This is sure to give you a laugh
this helps. It really does.
😡
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June 1, 2006 at 6:48 pm #3165701
Too funny
by jellimonsta · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to This is sure to give you a laugh
Those were good AV! :^0
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June 1, 2006 at 5:39 pm #3165731
It’s your birthday and it is time you learned the truth about drinking :^0
by sleepin’dawg · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
WATER……
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE, BEER, HARD LIQUOR= HEALTH
Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk a load of crap than to drink water and be literally full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
Have a good one JD
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
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June 1, 2006 at 6:18 pm #3165720
you know
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to It’s your birthday and it is time you learned the truth about drinking :^0
I figured there HAD to be a reason I never liked water! 😀 Valuable advice, that you can BET I will be taking to heart!
Off to finish my homework so I can get back in here and reply to the rest AND not have to worry about having to do it this weekend!
Me, taking an ethics class. how funny. :^0 I am not real popular with half the class because I put people in their place. (go figure)
A young pup complained about getting shorted a half hours pay from a guy that he was getting paid cash from. Said he was done working for the guy. I stepped up and said that it sounds like he was only mad because of the half hour pay, not that he felt bad about working for cash.
This week, he posted again that (same boss, same cash job) wants him to do odd jobs around his house after work. People that came to his defense the last time threw him to the wolves.
My only comment was that it sounds like the old man is trying to get him alone to make him his gay lover. :^0
I can’t WAIT to see what that comment brings in! B-)
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June 1, 2006 at 8:50 pm #3165688
Hey dood!
by ontheropes · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Happy birthday! You have GOT the ?blame it on the meds? thing DOWN! Good job!
If you ever go to Hell? look me up and I?ll get the brews. Whoever said, ?people in Hell want ice-water? never met me.
In the meantime, this might cheer you up.
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June 1, 2006 at 9:35 pm #3165669
What was missing from the list is
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Hey dood!
“The fools! I shall destroy them all! BAWAAAHHAAHHAAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!”
Oh yeah, “Sharks with lazer beams”!
😀
Never gone to hell, no matter how many times I was told to… And it is only about an hour away too!
Someday! B-)
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June 2, 2006 at 4:17 am #3165619
Brad and Angelena’s baby has a hereditary bi polar disorder
by the ref · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
It comes from having half you DNA from the Jolies and half from the Pitts 😉
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June 2, 2006 at 5:50 am #3165589
congrat JD
by rob mekel · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Have great birthday 🙂 or is your birthday tomorrow? Reading your post your birthday is 6-2-2006.
Hope your bronchitis isn’t killing you. That would be a shame.
It’s more fun us doing it in here 😀 😉
[i]okay I know i’m asking for it. but keep in mind it is meant in good fun ;)[/i]Have a great day JD.
Rob
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June 2, 2006 at 6:13 am #3165581
yes
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to congrat JD
6/2 is the big day.
chest hurts, but nothing a few sips of scotch won’t cure! (tonight, not now at work.. 🙁 )
Got the boys for a bit, and then plan on some heavy self medication! ;\
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June 2, 2006 at 6:32 am #3165568
Good to hear :)
by rob mekel · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to yes
Your dear-ones around always is nice. 🙂
On the self medication: I don’t know if it is fine to drink a cupple “sips” [i]yea for sure, you would leave it to just some sips 😀 [/i]of scotch on some heavy medicine. But hell it’s your b’day 🙂
Have fun, I’ll drink one on you in the pub later on. [i]will be a beer (grolsch)[/i]
Rob
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June 2, 2006 at 7:33 am #3166419
no meds tonight
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Good to hear :)
the scotch will be INSTEAD of, not in addition to.
Combining the codine and booze ends a night real quick!
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June 2, 2006 at 6:04 am #3165584
At least SOME tech sites appreciate me!
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
This morning in my email was a birthday greeting from [b]LinuxQuestions.org[/b] and another from [b]Ubuntu Forums[/b].
Of course, THEY didn’t send me a shirt either…. 🙁
Still sound like a cat hacking on a hairball, but besided that, I feel good.
My night out just starts a bit late tonight, as the ex left a message on my machine (heaven forbid she talk directly to me) that because of her work, I will have the boys until around 9 and then I am to drop them off.
I then get them after drama tomorrow for the rest of the day again. (bonus!)
I love her working! The best present I could get is my boys being around and I get that AND still get to go our for drinks and darts after.
Not crazy about HOW she handled this, but I won’t complain. I want her to feel she can drop them off anytime! I don’t care if it is because she has to work or if she just wants to be horizontal. B-)
happier and happier birthday tooooooo mmmmmeeeeeeeee! 😀
( what? No spankings yet? :0 )
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June 2, 2006 at 7:21 am #3166430
Hey, I ain’t spanking you, you pre-vert.
by mickster269 · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to At least SOME tech sites appreciate me!
I’ve heard about your personal peccadillos, and I want nothing to do with them.
Uh, not that there is anything wrong with that, of course.
Btw, if you have a bit too much fun tonight, and find yourself heading south on I-75, stop off in Lexington, and I’ll buy ya breakfast.
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June 2, 2006 at 7:44 am #3166414
that would be
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to Hey, I ain’t spanking you, you pre-vert.
missing an exit or two, huh? Just find yourself two states over? Only my ex could manage that (and did).
Years ago we were driving out to Colorado. She missed getting onto I80 and followed 94 right back up the other side. When she woke me up, she was all proud of herself. “We made really good time! We made it all the way to Wisconsin!”
If you don’t find the humor in that, go look at a map. 😀
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June 3, 2006 at 7:36 pm #3166056
And what a grand Bday it was!
by jdclyde · about 17 years, 10 months ago
In reply to MY yuk yuk
Started out the day, same as any day, hard at work. [i](or as close as you can call it “work” when your in the middle of a sedative high… ;\ ) [/i]
Got home and the EX had let my boys come into town to spend my Bday with me [i](at my mothers request)[/i]. Had a nice dinner of GRILLED Turkey, and then had to drop them off. [i]( only had them until 9pm )[/i]
Called the lads and we were off to the bar. Many a dart game later, and more killians, and it had been a most joyful evening. One of the buds had to drop out at midnight, but the other flew high until closing. What a trooper.
Threw in several Morgans ‘n Cokes, but wasn’t up to shots, nor the tequilla yet.
The emails and phone calls kept filtering in for through the rest of the night and into the next day. What a grand thing it was/is! 😀
I again got the boys today because She Who Must Be Hated had to work [i] (oh what a shame!) [/i] and she just picked them up at 10:30pm.
That gives me an hour and a half to finish writing two BS reports for my “ethics” class [i] (on-line class, so reports have to be posted by midnight) [/i]
I am now faced with my hardest decision of the day. [b] WHICH brand of scotch to sip on while doing the homework? [/b] Been trying some of the blended brands, with my only real guide being the “Distilled and Bottled in Scotland”. The end of a really good day, so I think Glenfiddich is in order! Only a 12 year, but until I get this down better, anything “better” would probably be lost on me. It was the first Scotch I bought, and only a few shot left in it. Not for long!
Thanks for playing along everyone, and for the well wishes! Combined, they worked! 😀
jd
😡
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