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Oh. Is it that time of year again?

By neilb@uk ·

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an even slightly competent President of the USA and thus demonstrate your ability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 200 prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $9/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.


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[post deleted by admin]

by EATMENEIL In reply to Oh. Is it that time of ye ...

[post deleted by admin]

Message was edited by: Jay Garmon

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Bite your American "***"? How quaint

by neilb@uk In reply to [post deleted by admin]

Trust me in this. Were I to "bite your American ***", I would rip off your right buttock and swallow it whole. However, I suspect I wouldn't be able to get close enough because of the smell.

As y'all so hypocritically say, "Have a nice day" or, as we say, "Bugger off, you boring git."

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Yo, soylent green ...

by PSer In reply to [post deleted by admin]

Yes, there is a lot of truth in what Neil believes (as far as this post) but for the most part I think he is just having a little satirical fun with us. I quite enjoy his sense of humor. Of course, that could be because I am from the SOUTH which by your remarks makes me a "felon or an idiot" without teeth.

I'd recommend taking your meds and start getting ready to celebrate the 4th ... maybe they'll let you play with a sparkler!

EDIT: oops ... I started this response then got busy, came back and posted. this response is for MR. EATME*

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Max, I knew we could count on you

by Tig2 In reply to Here ya' go

To have a link handy.


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You sad, sad man

by Tig2 In reply to [post deleted by admin]

You don't know where you put your life and are blindly lashing out. We understand. All the pity you need can be found right here.

Tell you what- after the 3 Day, I will start a collection for you so that you can finally have that humour transplant that you so desperately need. Until then, I would suggest that you not try to mingle in society as many people might just think that you are seriously having a snit over satire.

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If you only had a brain.

by Oz_Media In reply to [post deleted by admin]

If it wasn't for RUSSIA, Europeans may be speaking Russian, but it sure as **** wouldn't be German. Russia played a far larger part in holding off the Germans than Allied forces did. Allied forces swept Eastward to the mess from the German invasion of Western Europe, they didn't prevent it. When D-Day took place, Hitler had already changed focus BACK to the East to invade Russia and acquire the wealth and resources held on Russian soil. The war was headed east, and ALLIES followed it (not America) until it was over.

To bring YOU up to speed, Britain had defeated Germany's attempt to invade England, about 4 years before the USA joined the war( only due to the US Navy being shoulder to shoulder in the same harbour despite attack threats. DUH, well done!

Study some history, real history not American propaganda/histpry BS.

I believe you are an adult, despie your completely misinformed comments, I am just stunned to find that there are actually SOME Americans that actually believe the postage stamps worth of BS history you spew?!? Well maybe not even SOME but ONE anyway.

Don't embarrass Americans more than they need to be already.

Speaking German?!? LOL, I thought only little kids still thought that, even they know better!

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He's from Alaska

by NickNielsen In reply to If you only had a brain.

but he appears to think like he's from Arkansas:

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by Oz_Media In reply to He's from Alaska

Well done. Tuesday Yuk.

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And TR acquires a new **** sphincter called EATMENEIL!!! X-(

by sleepin'dawg In reply to [post deleted by admin]

The best part of this clown was either left in the condom or drizzled down his daddy's leg. His parents were probably brother and sister and now we have to tolerate his assinine presence here on TR.

Dawg ]:)

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