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Oh. Is it that time of year again?

By neilb@uk ·
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an even slightly competent President of the USA and thus demonstrate your ability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 200 prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $9/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Neil

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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So what is that -- 6 slaps for Palmetto??? :^0

by w2ktechman In reply to And TR acquires a new ana ...

Thats all? man, his wounds will be healing quickly this week....

Just think though, this new Troll may probably be unseen after this thread dies.

But since he has no sense of humor (humour, sorry Neil) we should spam him the YUK posts every week. I am sure he/she/it would go crazy quickly and in a rage would fall off of a cliff and off him/her/it self.

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OOOPS

by Oz_Media In reply to And TR acquires a new ana ...

EDIT: Wrong part of thread

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It's people like you

by maecuff In reply to [post deleted by admin]

that make me so proud to be American.

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Thankfully

by Oz_Media In reply to It's people like you

Even I know better than to tag HIM as American, or a representative of America anyway.

I bet Bush would agree with him though (with all his infinite wisdom)! (OUCH!):)

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You need a timeout, Bud

by AV . In reply to [post deleted by admin]

And a sense of humor. Neil is just kidding.

AV

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The hammer doth fall

by jdclyde In reply to [post deleted by admin]

unbeknownst to some (clearly) but beknownst to others, being an ignorant twit is not acceptable behavior when you are out in public.

When you exhibit unacceptable behavior in public, your behavior can and will be corrected for you.

I do suspect from the users name though, that this account was created just for the purpose of making this ignorant jab at neil.

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You

by retro77 In reply to Oh. Is it that time of ye ...

You should watch out, the 'ol GB aint doing to well itself as far as leadership goes.

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Hey c'mon!

by neilb@uk In reply to You

At least this time I posted the alternative view in post #2 to be a little more even-handed! Last year I just posted the first one in an attempt to upset the Independence Day celebrations.

As for our revered leader, Gordon, he's only been in office a week so we can't judge him yet and YOU certainly can't.

As you say, "Have a nice day" and as we say...

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What is going ON here?

by neilb@uk In reply to Oh. Is it that time of ye ...

I post an obvious (I thought) bit of fun for your celebratory day. I'm (much) nicer than last year because I even put up a balancing post (I'm either mellowing with age or I'm sickening for something) and STILL they come out of the woodwork with the attacks.

How can I put it to those without a sense of humour? GET BACK INTO THE SWAMP OTHERWISE YOUR SKIN WILL DRY OUT. Yep. Just about sums it up.



To those of you who took this piece as intended - Have a GREAT 4th of July. Go on, kill a few redcoats - see if I care.

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Dont worry about it, looks like a troll came about

by w2ktechman In reply to What is going ON here?

Otherwise, I think the majority of us saw it for what it was. And I did appreciate the smile and giggles from reading it.

Do not let a few dumb-asses put your sense of humor away. There are plenty of us that like it...

Have a good (I mean great) week, since you are not out on a holiday tomorrow.... As for me, I am going to enjoy fireworks, but not lighting them myself (my county does not allow it anymore).

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