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Oh. Is it that time of year again?

By neilb@uk ·
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an even slightly competent President of the USA and thus demonstrate your ability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 200 prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $9/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Neil

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So lets get this right in the US you can have cannons

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Dont worry about it, look ...

But no fireworks? That sucks big time!

Over here they moved Guy Fawlks Night from Nove4mber to June and then did away with it all together in the name of safety.

Took all of the fun out of things and I'm still going through withdrawl as a result of some Politicions stupidity.

Col

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Yes, that is funny

by w2ktechman In reply to So lets get this right in ...

Some counties allow for non airborne (airbourne for the wrong among us)fireworks. But Santa Clara bans all fireworks. Well, except for ones where a permit was given anyway. In other words, I can shoot my guns, but not light a firecracker... tooo funny

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Southern California is different....

by JamesRL In reply to Yes, that is funny

With all that dry tinder just lying around...

We had lots of backyard and neighbourhood fireworks where I was visiting in Ottawa.

A Toronto city councillor is lobbying to make roman candles harder to buy because young kids are buying them and having duels. In some cases kids go to the emergency room. They want to make the penalties for someone selling to a minor as onerous as that for selling cigarettes. Frankly no one ever gets a maximum sentance for selling cigarettes to a minor so not sure if it would be at all effective.

So I can't some down to LA in August and shoot roman candles? Pity...

James

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Warshington

by Oz_Media In reply to Yes, that is funny

In Washington, firecrackers and fireworks are sold everywhere it seems. I didn't really pay too much attention but inhindsight it seems most were on or near reservations, I suppose they get around local and state bylaws that way?!

Even when I was a kid, everyone had a brother who smuggled a crate or two into Canada for Halloween. Up here, we get fireworks, but not firecrackers.

A good friend of mine is a commercial fisherman, so we just play with those seal bombs. A good 1/4 stick of dynamite with a 30 second waterproof fuse, the fuse is even marked in 4 second intervals so you can clip it to just the right time. (designed for controlling depth when used to scare of seals near the nets).

Floating one in a bottle down the river is fun, after about 20 seconds the bottle literally explodes into dust and the LOUDEST bang you've ever heard rings out. Kinda like an AC/DC concert during For Those About to Rock (okay, I guess you have to be there to get that one). :)

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I was thinking

by NickNielsen In reply to Warshington

The 1812 Overture with the Valley Forge Artillery.

Either way, tain't quiet! :^0

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Been there

by JamesRL In reply to I was thinking

Ontario Place, 1812 Overture, 4 x 4.5 inch Navel guns of HMCS Haida (WWII destroyer/museum ship). The ship was about 300 yards away from the orchestra, tough to co-ordinate.

James

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I assume you've heard the Telarc copy?!

by Oz_Media In reply to I was thinking

Telarc created the first purely digital classical recording in the late 70's. I still use it today to audition my high end speaker lines.

They were not only teh first to record digital classical but have (to this day) still remained famed for the use of original 19th century field cannons, recorded digitally.

They actually used US cannons, but recorded in Scotland (don't know why), with the Cincinatti Symphony being recorded in the US of course.

If you have it and like it, keep it. They are currently recording another version supposedky a LOT better than the original, which is still to be topped to date.

Another great disk they made was Time Warp, a collection of SciFi tracks and some really cool sound effects for added dynamics.

One important thing to remember is KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN for you first couple of plays and don't play it on speakers that haven't had at least 60 hours of break-in time.

They still post teh digital cannon warning on the cover and warn of it in the inserts, that just makes it even cooler in my opnion. :)

"Caution! Digital Cannons," on the cover

"...the cannons of the Telarc 1812 Overture are recorded at a very high level. Lower levels are recommended for initial playback until a safe level can be determined for your equipment." in the booklet.

Now go and show off your speakers!

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Somehow this one slipped through the cracks

by NickNielsen In reply to I was thinking

I didn't see the replies until today.

Yes, Oz, I have the Telarc. The first time I heard it was on a friend's system. His "A" speakers were Klipschorns and his "B" speakers were Advents; no worries there! But we did have to catch a couple of glasses during and drive a few nails back into the walls after...

I can play it at an appropriate volume on my system's 30-year-old speakers with no problems. (My system sports a pair of Sansui SP-2700 with a Cerwin-Vega 12" sub-woofer. Very crisp treble, full midrange, and solid bass. To my ears, probably the best sound available at the time for the price.)

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Bad OZ I'll have to tell Angus that you said that. :^0

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Warshington

Then he'll probably organize a local concert just for you where they have more volume.

Col ]:)

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I should be so lucky!

by Oz_Media In reply to Bad OZ I'll have to tell ...

I know the local organizers, I have access to stage design for the Coliseum (probably know the lighting rafters by heart now)and can promote the local show with NO problems at all!

The only drag is that the new city bylaws make it too expensive for it to be realistic these days, proobably why even Picklesack doesn't use pyro here these days; but we can all live without that whiny, hook-driven Alberta band anyway. :)

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