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Oh. Is it that time of year again?

By neilb@uk ·

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an even slightly competent President of the USA and thus demonstrate your ability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 200 prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $9/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.


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Guy Fawkes

by Oz_Media In reply to So lets get this right in ...

I LOVE that one!!!

I think America still has a shot at it though. Instead of burning an effigy of Guy Fawkes they could burn Bush dummies. 'Bush dummies', what an oxymoron (moron being the operative of course). okay, I'll sit back down now. :)

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Well As I Have Good Old British HumoUr

by Steffi28 In reply to What is going ON here?

I enjoyed BOTH of them! I wasn't offended at all bloody typical of yanks not having a sense of humoUr

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Only a Blonde would believe that!!! :^0

by w2ktechman In reply to Well As I Have Good Old B ...

yes, absolutely NONE of us have a sense of Humor (without the capitalized U)...:^0

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You know, Neil

by maecuff In reply to What is going ON here?

Swamp water has allowed me to keep my youthful good looks..

Think I'll pass on the killing of red coats. And, btw, I seem to recall last year when you posted your notice (which is very funny) that I responded by posting the Sex Pistol lyrics to God Save the Queen and YOU called ME hostile.

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by neilb@uk In reply to You know, Neil

When I do it, it's a light-hearted sideways look at your society or, at worst, satire (in the nicest possible way). :)
When y'all do it back, it's hostile.
Of all people, Mae, you're the last I need to advise how it works...
I think you're just being provocative so go away and drink some Tequila and light some fireworks - it's your country's national holiday and I expect you to enjoy it.
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I'd love to..

by maecuff In reply to Hostility

But I have to work tomorrow. I DID have some tequila last night. Today? Just reading books and ignoring all the housework that needs to be done. I'm bribing the 9 year old to do my cleaning.

Go away? Really? You don't mean that, right? (you ponce). :)

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Not really...

by neilb@uk In reply to I'd love to..

I just assumed that you'd have something better to do.

I'm off for several Tsingtao Chinese beers and a very large Chinese takeaway (US:takeout) with some friends. Sounds like I've a chance of having a better 4th than you.

Although I did have to go to work.

Ponce? Hmmmm... Not quite the correct usage as it's my turn to pay!

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by maecuff In reply to Not really...

I take it back. You're not a ponce. You're a berk. (Was that better usage?)

And you didn't have to explain 'takeaway' I could have figured that one out on my own.

And just because I'm calling you names that you had to explain to me in the first place doesn't mean that you can stop translating for me.

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maybe what we need

by midniteone In reply to You know, Neil

is subtitles. preferably phonetic ones. that way when 'we' say "carn't you appreshiate a little sathier" it gets to the US servers as

(that should do to perpetuate a few national stereotypes)

I tend to go with the stuff Gore Vidal writes about the parallels between the American and Roman Empires. There's going to come a day when some of your history looks as hollow and historically dodgy as some of ours, and then we can gang up on someone else. The Aussies maybe. Has anyone noticed a pattern in the UK colonising large islands and then losing out to the occupants, most of whom profess to simultaneously hate our guts and yet go all touristy over our pomp and circumstance?

Ah well, 4th July almost over now. In real (GMT) time anyway. And I guess no-one's working anyway. Time to wrap this one up till next year?

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Hey Fair Crack of the Whip

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to maybe what we need

When AU became a federation we didn't need a big war we all just took a day off work and had a party. WTH's wrong with that approach?

It leaves far more money for drinks and no bad feelings about who killed who's brother or sister. Besides why waste so much money on things like ammo when you can spend it on drinks?

Col ]:)

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