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Ok I haven't seen a Friday Yuk for some time

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
So I'll add a Monday version and hope no one takes offence.

This is a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough more or less...adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be workinmg on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied..."I will if those useless pricks at Bunnings ever bring us the fucking gyprock"


Or for the International people here

A man meets St Peter at the Pearly gates and sees an enormous pile of clocks behind the wall. Upon asking what the clocks are for he is told that each one represents an individual and every time they tell a lie their clock advances one second.

He then asks have there been any cases of the clock never advancing? St Peter replies only one Mother Teressa!

The man then asks what about Gorge W Bush and St Peter replies OH Jesus is currently using that one for a ceiling fan as it is causing a vast air flow and cools his office quite nicely. Upon hearing this the man is shocked and asks is this usual for politicians? St Peter replies just be glad that you never had anything to do with John Howard the Australian Prime Minister his is moving so fast that it started causing Cyclones so we moved it straight to Hell as it was causing far too many problems here.


Col

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and I say bless him

by ITgirli In reply to It has now been proven be ...

Of course he was Irish. There are no people better.

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Little Boy Wants a 10 Speed

by sleepin'dawg In reply to and I say bless him

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage
on this house is $200,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's
no way we can afford it right now."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?".

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell mom that you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait, because she was coming, too. And I'll be damned if
I'm sticking around here by myself with a $200,000 mortgage and no
transportation."

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Damn I've got to watch that!!!!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to and I say bless him

Got to watch out for that raunchy stuff!!! Npt ]:)

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A Scotsman, Irishman & Englishman Discuss Favorite Pubs

by sleepin'dawg In reply to It has now been proven be ...

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The
view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims.

He swears every word is true.

Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"


Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did
happen to me sister, several times!"

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Scary Diagnostic Drugstore Computer Analysis

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him,"My elbow hurts like ****. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a
**** of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some
tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better.

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Understanding Engineers or Engineering 101

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build
targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the
joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab
and get some real work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."


He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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My God I'd forgotten most of those ones

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Understanding Engineers o ...

As a mechanical engineer I just love the examples posted above they are so correct.

Now I've got to get back up off the floor and do some work.

Col

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Yeah sometimes oldies are goodies-especially to guys with the iron ring

by sleepin'dawg In reply to My God I'd forgotten most ...

There's always one of us around to keep things running.

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A Clean Joke

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is
one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

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Frustrated with IT?

by Skidoggeruk In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where your going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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