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Ok I haven't seen a Friday Yuk for some time

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
So I'll add a Monday version and hope no one takes offence.

This is a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough more or less...adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be workinmg on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied..."I will if those useless pricks at Bunnings ever bring us the fucking gyprock"


Or for the International people here

A man meets St Peter at the Pearly gates and sees an enormous pile of clocks behind the wall. Upon asking what the clocks are for he is told that each one represents an individual and every time they tell a lie their clock advances one second.

He then asks have there been any cases of the clock never advancing? St Peter replies only one Mother Teressa!

The man then asks what about Gorge W Bush and St Peter replies OH Jesus is currently using that one for a ceiling fan as it is causing a vast air flow and cools his office quite nicely. Upon hearing this the man is shocked and asks is this usual for politicians? St Peter replies just be glad that you never had anything to do with John Howard the Australian Prime Minister his is moving so fast that it started causing Cyclones so we moved it straight to Hell as it was causing far too many problems here.


Col

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by ITgirli In reply to Frustrated with IT?

I love that one.

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Beer Makes you Smart

by sleepin'dawg In reply to

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French,
the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organized by the Swiss.

**** is where the police are German, the cooks British,
the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians!!!

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Another CLEAN GREAT

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Beer Makes you Smart

Lot of jokes now why can't I hear ones like this?

Col

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Don't sweat it. They come in flurries.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Another CLEAN GREAT

Next time it'll be your turn. I liked the one about the kid and the gyprock.

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Technically Correct

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Frustrated with IT?

That's why I always call myself Alleged Boss and Official Scape Goat!

Col

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How Yodeling First Started - Really!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in
Switzerland, but here's the real version.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up
to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The
farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked
her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place
to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight
to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

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The Best Short Joke of 2004

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

A small boy was lost at Champlain shopping mall

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The
cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits".

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Punishment Humour

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him . (Oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Friday morning junk mail

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what
we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your
P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked to the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent
of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King
gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having
sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on
it.

Now you know where that came from.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.


The Lone Ranger in Deep Trouble

Once upon a time....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a savage Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone
Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him
and again, he whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunet, even more attractive than the
blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your
final request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by one
ear, then grabs him by the other, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen carefully, you dummy! For the last time, it is a Posse I need! A
POSSE!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pirate Story

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

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Better than a joke, it's real

by 1stladytech In reply to Ok I haven't seen a Frida ...

THE DILLARD'S THIEF-- in San Antonio, Texas



This is too funny! This could only be true; you can't make this stuff up.

Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell."

What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining," I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call **1, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver. A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.

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