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One and only Wednesday Yuk

By santeewelding ·
Tags: Off Topic
I was shopping at the market where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of Romaine
A 2lb can of coffee
A one-pound package of bacon

As I unloaded them on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier rang up the sale, the drunk said, "You must be single."

I was startled, but intrigued, since I was indeed single. I saw nothing among the items that would tip the drunk off to my marital status.

Curiosity got me.

"Well, you know what? I am. How on earth did you know?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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by Jellimonsta In reply to One and only Wednesday Yu ...

I like it. But I humbly disagree good sir.

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Some people are like a slinky

by Darryl~ Moderator In reply to One and only Wednesday Yu ...

You smile after you push them down the stairs.

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Cowboy and horse:

by PurpleSkys In reply to One and only Wednesday Yu ...

When Chuck was a young cowboy in Montana he bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

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by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to One and only Wednesday Yu ...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, ?Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. ?That?s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it?s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
and foot."

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fooked up your hair?"

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Oh, Lordy!

by santeewelding In reply to Trip...

Congratulations. That one blew me away.

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Good one. Laughed right out loud. Thanks. >nt<

by OnTheRopes In reply to Trip...
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Foot-And-Mouth Believed To Be First Virus Unable To Spread Through Outlook

by jdclyde In reply to One and only Wednesday Yu ...

Foot-And-Mouth Believed To Be First Virus Unable To Spread Through Microsoft Outlook

Atlanta, Ga. ( Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that "foot-and-mouth" disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

Copyright2001, SatireWire

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by Shellbot In reply to Foot-And-Mouth Believed T ...
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Reality is often funny

by jdclyde In reply to haha..

how the **** are ya doing today, my luv?

feeling better/rested yet?

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by Shellbot In reply to Reality is often funny : ...

if i hadn't stayed out late saturday night i'd have been nice and rested..but no..had to go out drinkin...

will i never learn?

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