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Sunday Yuk

By neilb@uk ·
I was looking through this web site for some examples of a reference lette (for a friend for a college course) and came across these so I thought I'd share them They are (allegedly real) quotes from letters to the council's housing department for Islington - a London borough.

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

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Ah, you've gotta love it

by jdclyde In reply to Sunday Yuk

I see lists like this a lot, (although not british ones) and they COME from people trying to sound official to impress people.

Of course, thanks to this post, I now know that everything I see in Monty Python is TRUE!

Just getting ready to go to my boys soccer (football) game and the sun is shining! (it is a bit chilly though). After that, because the ex-***** FINALLY got a job (only took seven months) and she now works second shift so I get the boys early! Bonus! It is a GREAT day!


Must be about 4pm your time now, so hopefully about done?

Side note Neil, Your "package" goes out tomorrow.

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Do you mean to say

by gadgetgirl In reply to Ah, you've gotta love it

that Neil has been without a "package" all this time, and I never knew????



Soz, guyz, but youz asked for it!

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If you click the like I gave to JD

by neilb@uk In reply to Do you mean to say

You'll see that you're about to get wet.


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Now THAT Neil

by jdclyde In reply to If you click the like I g ...

is a visual...... :0

Hey GG!

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My revenge....

by gadgetgirl In reply to Now THAT Neil

will be to put up a photo of my BOAT!!!


(Neil - drought? what drought?? Want some good, clean Kielder Water down there?)

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This is all YOUR fault, then?

by neilb@uk In reply to Ah, you've gotta love it

I'm in the dot at the bottom right (If you weren't exactly sure where London is) under all of the green stuff with some pink stuff heading my way.

I'm not sure if I can take the thought of someone having a good day. I may have to go out and run down an old lady or two to even things up...

Oh, my God - you've killed Granny!

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by jdclyde In reply to Ah, you've gotta love it

I would like to start by thanking everyone that allowed me to take all the grandness out of your day!

We won, 7-0. They only got one shot on goal the entire game and boy was Thing Two bored (goalie). Thing One got one goal and two assists.

The sun is out, but still a bit chilly. Extra coffee and I was just fine. Came home and made some soup and hot chocholate for the boys, and we are going shopping for summer cloths in a bit. Probably stop by the golf shop on the way back, and may even swing through the arcade.

Again, thanks for letting me have all the great out of your day. It means a lot to me!

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Please feel free to have the rest of my week

by neilb@uk In reply to What a GREAT DAY!

I'm on a course all week on Data Storage (exciting!). It's in Slough (pronounced to rhyme with bough) and to get there, I have to drive around the world's largest carpark, the M25, for 41 miles and I'm allowing two hours. Slough - of where the Queen's Poet, Sir John Betjamin, penned the immortal lines:

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and **** to smithereens
Those air -conditioned, bright canteens,
Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans,
Tinned minds, tinned breath.

Mess up the mess they call a town-
A house for ninety-seven down
And once a week a half a crown
For twenty years.

And get that man with double chin
Who'll always cheat and always win,
Who washes his repulsive skin
In women's tears:

And smash his desk of polished oak
And smash his hands so used to stroke
And stop his boring dirty joke
And make him yell.

But spare the bald young clerks who add
The profits of the stinking cad;
It's not their fault that they are mad,
They've tasted ****.

It's not their fault they do not know
The birdsong from the radio,
It's not their fault they often go
To Maidenhead

And talk of sport and makes of cars
In various bogus-Tudor bars
And daren't look up and see the stars
But belch instead.

In labour-saving homes, with care
Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
And dry it in synthetic air
And paint their nails.

Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough
To get it ready for the plough.
The cabbages are coming now;
The earth exhales.

Personally, I think he was being a bit nice to them.

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Virus Warning!

by jdclyde In reply to Sunday Yuk

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE)or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has
been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

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by Jaqui In reply to Virus Warning!

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