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The fall out. . .

By swgoldwire2546 ·
I would like to take the time out to apologise for bitting everyone's heads there. It is just that I am having a personal fallout of my own initiative and have to roam the MTA New York City subways the whole night. . .

Before the subway roaming, I was grappling over the fact that I was unemployed, broke and in debt, yet I love to tinker with computers, programs, just to see what is like. I worried about dropping out of DeVry Institute of Technology and paying back the loan. All this because I have a two mental circumstances of autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder undiagnosed and unbeknownst to me ever since.

I have been brooding over the fact that I have not known these mental circumstances that caused me to crave company in wrong motives, my butting in of matters not my concern, my often slurred speech and poor handwriting, my chronic lateness to appointments (meetings of Jehovah's Witnesses included!), my disorganisation (to the point that almost I could not keep house or schedule), my procrastination, my sometimes hyperactive behaviour (after sweets, carbs or just plain caffeinated coffee), and sometimes absences from appointments. Yet I find computers and detailed art fascinating that I was interested enough to go for a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Engineering Technology.

I have told my mother regarding my being an habitual night owl (because of ADHD, sometimes I would stay up into the wee hours of the morning only to fall to bed at 05:30 a.m. and wake up at 02:00 p.m.) she reviled and scolded me for being irresponsible. True, but these mental circumstances sometimes make me irresponsible--I simply give in to their whims. What is more, in addition to kids picking on me, wanted to fight with me verbally and eventually physically (though that never happens) from fifth grade primary school (elementary and junior high schools) all through twelfth grade secondary school (high school), my mother to this day, has berating me about me being superstitious, assuming what she does not know.

Although I would not deny the fact there are superstitious folk around, I really don't care. She assumed I caused the superstition and was influenced by somebody who was superstitious--all because I had said something really stupid and false about a neighbour whom I rarely know enough to care, and I would really get disciplined for the wrong reasons (even to the point of getting spanked up to age 15). I would tell my mother the whole truth that I am innocent of the allegations and yet she still would not believe me. I held all that negative critism to my self that when someone would say something bad about me or pick on me (as with the case in school or home) I would go into temper tantrums, only to have them to pick on me even more--I even did throw two temper tantrums on my mother, one in late 1993, and early 2005. And when my mother would bring the subject up about me being superstitious I would not rather discuss it, saying I might go into a temper tantrum. My mother then say that me going into a tantrum is out of character and not going to get response. True, but whenever I am upset I would do that because I am uber sensitive of people's remarks (results from my autism).

I wish to tell my mother that this is nothing more than my idiosyncracies resulting from my mental circumstances, which my mother suggest that these are problems I have made up and still insists that I have no problem. I am not making these problems up as an excuse--I have no excuse whatsoever, for my mental circumstances of autism and ADHD are real. I have found out I have autism through research (not to dianose myself however) and from a coworker while working at Madison Square Garden. I found out about ADHD when I was reading about David Neelman, CEO and founder of JetBlue Airways having the same mental circumstance before my recent unemployment in the summer 2005.

I don't think I would ever find employment of any kind to the point of obtaining employment because the representatives of these companies and organisations (those doing the hiring in human resources) would not be able to understand my situation regarding the unknown mental circumstances and would likely to conclude that I have poor work performance. True, I am capable of work, it is just that my mental circumstances has affected my work AND school performance and it is intefering with the rest of my appointments and affairs.

So, until after I am fully and properly diagnosed of my autism and ADHD, I am not seeking nor obtaining any means of employment. And even after the diagnoses I am quite uncertain about going ahead with my employment.

I was brooding with the whole concept and negative experiences that while I got into bed, something fell off from my bed and I immediately in a blind rage ripped the covers of my bed, trashed my room and my walk-in closet, stomped and trashed the living room of my apartment, even throwing and destroying the seat and back of task chair in the living room so hard I have bored a hole in the wall I was angry and upset to the point of crying over the hurt I have suffered and how I suffered through these unknown mild mental circumstances.

After sitting there in the living room helpless and crying, I composed my self and got ready to roam the subways. I did walk as far as Ralph Avenue subway station because I did not want to hurt anyone the way I hurt myself (simply by offending anyone, like I did in the recent TechRepublic forums). After that I roamed the subways to see the rest of these stations and routes I have never been to before. All this before I headed off to school.

So if anyone out there in the TechRepublic crew has been offended by some of my posts this week, I humbly appologise. It was just that I am totally sensitive and vulnerable to be smarted (hurt) that I had to throw tantrums or lash out with some responses--I take things too literal like it was true. Plus I am not used to hearing any crude humour (I like decent jokes). True, I may have been out of character there, but I could not help acting out my feelings resulting from my autism and ADHD.

My recent post to one of jdclyde's thread is a humourous rant about myself, acting out of character, wishing I would die. . .**169

Once again, I apologise for the fallout.

Feel free to respond to this thread or make comments. If now it is the time for leave the forum, I really do not mind. However, I will post new weekly threads to subjects that are truly relevant to the topics and articles regarding technology and all things in the world.

I thank you and have a nice and blessed day.

-swg :)

The post-script: To Ms. Sonja Thompson. I appreciate you contributions to all things technology and what is going on in that sector. To Jocey, I understand your issues.

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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Professional Medical Treatement

by BFilmFan In reply to The fall out. . .

I suffer from ADHD myself and will echo other peers' comments that you need to seek professional medical assistance in overcoming this condition, before you are overwhelmed.

From reading your missive, I believe you may also want to seek some counseling for depression, which can become a very debilitating condition.

I wish you a speedy return to health.

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I appreciate that one too. . .

by swgoldwire2546 In reply to Professional Medical Trea ...

Since you mentioned depression, my mental circumstances of autism and ADHD are fueling my depression; the fact that these are undiagnosed makes my depression worse. I really appreciate your urging me to seek professional medical/mental assistance, as this may lead to a proper diagnosis of autism and ADHD. I am asking if you know of any mental health facility or support group in New York and in the United States. I will truly appreciate it.


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NYC Facilities

by BFilmFan In reply to I appreciate that one too ...

I reside in southeastern Arizona, so I don't know what is available in your area.

I did Google this information, which may be of assistance:,GGLD:2003-46,GGLD:en&q=NYC+Public+Mental+Health

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may be of some help

by justathought In reply to The fall out. . .

It may be of some help, this site is about any mental disorder we may encounter, just scroll down the main page to find the appropriate forum :

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Get a professional diagnosis

by AttackComputerWhiz In reply to The fall out. . .

ADHD is a GOOD thing if you are in computers because of the concentration factor. You'd be surprised just how many IT people have it. I don't think you are autistic, but you do display (in your writings) symptoms of Bi-polar Disorder and that can be helped much easier with the proper meds.

Since you are unemployed and in NYC, you should be able to walk into any neighborhood free clinic and get a referal for a psychiatrist. They can help you with referrals for SSI and all that to get you through while you are getting help.

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by LibraryGeek In reply to The fall out. . .

I agree with all who have already told you to take care of yourself and pursue some professional assistanct to obtain a diagnosis and some relief.

A couple of resources to help you locate someone:

The American Medical Assoc. has a "Doctor Finder" for anyone to use. I already started one here
for you, however there are too many psychiatrists in New York, NY -- so you will need to add your zip code <or the zip where you want to visit a dr>

The American Psychological Assoc. also has a "find a professional service"

Realize that you don't have to take the first person that has an appointment open; make sure you get someone that you are comfortable with. That being said, try not to diagnose yourself when you are dealing with debilitating symptoms. There are times when an outside pair of eyes helps as well there are a number of disorders out there that most of us have never heard of.
It is hard if you are in the midst of a health related struggle w/o a diagnosis not to try to figure out what is wrong. Hang in there and keeping trying every day.

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