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The I Got Bored Of Waiting YUK

By Steffi28 ·
Tags: Off Topic
Couldnt wait any longer for someone to make a YUK, I need to laugh so I thought i might as well make it myself. Heres my first imput - Funny and Useful

Best Excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk....

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broke...."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands"

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That was funny!

by w2ktechman In reply to escaping germany

I liked it Heml0ck

Keep em coming.

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Yeah, Steffi, I don't want to see anything like this

by DMambo In reply to Some of us are infinitely ...

Here is an example of the type of Impure smut that I will not tolerate:

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could wh0re herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.

"$200.25," she said.

"Who paid twenty-five cents?" he asked.

"Everybody."

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Or this...

by DMambo In reply to Yeah, Steffi, I don't wan ...

Monkey in a Bar.

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ***, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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DM perhaps you would like me to come over

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Yeah, Steffi, I don't wan ...

And reprogramme your Purity Filter seems that it's not quite right at the moment.

But I'll fix it for you without a second thought as I'm that kind of guy who will do anything to help a friend in need.

But after I fix it you'll have to edumicate it so you get the results that you want should only take about 45 years to get it working perfectly so that nothing like that is ever spat out again. :^0

Col ]:)

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Come on over for a visit , Col

by DMambo In reply to DM perhaps you would like ...

I'll buy you a Budweiser. How can you resist that offer??

BTW, I've already been working on this Purity Filter for 45 years. If I get a fully functioning one by the time I'm 90, that would be OK with me.

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yes, she hates it

by jdclyde In reply to Some of us are infinitely ...

and has for years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and ...................

(you get the idea! ;\ )

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Lol Jaqui

by rob mekel In reply to Settfi, you mean you miss ...

it's missing the "Friday Yuk" tag
No wonder some mist it as a Friday Yuk

Rob

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Instead of a joke, I am contributing a public service announcement

by maecuff In reply to The I Got Bored Of Waitin ...

Christmas related things that should be banned before someone gets hurt...

Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When "spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages, including mulled wine, hard cider and schnapps.

Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause automobile pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a manger might bite children.

Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious themes of carols could prove offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations.

Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be described as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not only have poor traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface. Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a balcony.

Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom. Why not just pass around matches and cans of gasoline?

Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal Mike Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major inconvenience when you look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.

Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns. Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his sweetheart something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket wrench set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence.

Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.

Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap. You make the call.

Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.

Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?"

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