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The Impure Friday Yuk

By gadgetgirl ·
As we (myself, jdclyde, sleepin' dawg, jck, ITGirli, us_geeks) have been labelled by DMambo as the Impure Brigade, here follows the Impure Friday Yuk for your perusal.

Rules are fairly flexible (DE!) The main rule to follow is that the jokes and funnies on this particular thread, MUST be impure of thought, mind or deed. Or there will be trouble!! X-(

So, to start you all (y'all, Mae, sorry!) off, here's a few on my (as you all well know) favourite topic.....


A father and son go into a grocery store and see a display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes. The father replies, ?Well, you see that three-pack? That?s for when you?re in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night? ?what?s the 6 pack for?? asks the son. The father replies, ?That?s for when you?re in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday morning? ?So what?s the 12-pack for? asks the son. The father replies ?son, that?s for when you?re married. You have one for January, one for February???

What did Adam say to Eve? ?Stand back! I don?t know how big this thing gets!?

Paddy hires a call girl for the night, but when she arrives, they discover that neither of them has any condoms. The girl doesn?t want to lose a sale, and Paddy doesn?t object, so they have sex without protection. Afterwards, Paddy turns to the girl and says ?Oh God, I just thought. You don?t have AIDS to you?? ?No? says the girl. ?Thank God for that? says Paddy, I?d hate to catch it twice???

What did the elephant say to the nude man? ?It?s cute, but can it pick up peanuts??

A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large that it hurts to have sex. After she has explained the problem to her lawyer, he tells her that he?ll file her petition. The woman replies ?Stuff that! Why can?t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit?


Happy Friday, all, and here's to a wonderful weekend!

GG

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My mother in law

by JamesRL In reply to I see..

Manic depressive. Crazy. Nasty tempur, mood swings

When she was single she used to go on about how lucky my wife was. It was creepy. I think she was jealous of her own daughter.

I don't like her fake plummy accent(she grew up in Manitoba), her way of glossing over everything and creating a false reality, her manipulative compliments and so on. But frankly, when she visits (rarely since she remarried and moved to LA) my wifes suffers more. If I had a nickle for every time she wanted to strangle her....

I think I'd prefer a hateful but honest MIL

James

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James

by maecuff In reply to My mother in law

My MIL is really very sweet. I can't complain (too much). I just do things different from her and her daughters and it freaks her out. I never have enough dish towels (I get them for Christmas every year) I was dishes with a scrubber sponge and EVERY one knows, they should be washed with a dish cloth. If I cooked from scratch, my husband would be happier (he wouldn't). She still holds on to what my husband was like at age 16 instead of 45. I send my son's friends home at dinner time, her daughter feeds who ever is in the house. Actually, I wouldn't mind feeding the little rug monkeys, but my husband can't stand all the noise. But is it his fault? Noooo...it's mine.

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Now that is out of the way

by jdclyde In reply to James

After all, they do say the first step to fixing something is to recognise that their is a problem.

Now that you are no longer in denial about yourself we can start to make some progress here!

Merry Christmas, over and over and over.

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Good to see a woman who

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to James

Knows her place now will you arrange lessons for mine?

Col ]:)

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I am confused ..

by stargazerr In reply to GM, Thanks for labeling t ...

Do you have to post in a thread to be able to stay away from it?? :^O

Thanx for the tip Mambo ..

]:)

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A Christmas gift for the guys..

by maecuff In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Here are some romantic lines you can use to brighten your holidays..

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Christmas card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my wh*re.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ***.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ***.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

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#5

by cp7212 In reply to A Christmas gift for the ...

Number five reminded me of one of Jeff Foxworthy's definition of words. "Sensuous", as in sensuous up, you may as well grab me a beer.

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A Long Read ... but BRILLIANT !!

by stargazerr In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

From: Nick Wall
Sent: 02 November 2005 09:27
To: Emily Bodenham; Sarah Harriss; Simon Stacey
Subject: Pure Genius......

Read:
Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you
hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say
or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth
Chris Tierney
Sr. Account Executive


---
REPLY:

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't **** him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around **** dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill ***-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for
a h! and job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you
on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do.

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad
Nick Wall

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This is awesome!!

by ttosun In reply to A Long Read ... but BRILL ...

Way to go to this guy!! And women wonder why they never get ahead.

What cruelty. What selfishness. What deception.

Don't get me wrong...I've cheated on many a girl but it was never as we were on a date. What a *****!! Gosh, it makes me so angry.

Listen up ladies...it's chicks like this that give the rest of you a bad name so teach them well.

And you ladies say men are dogs. Ha! At least dogs are loyal.

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80 yr old man

by antuck In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.The 80-year-old says,
"I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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