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The Impure Friday Yuk

By gadgetgirl ·
As we (myself, jdclyde, sleepin' dawg, jck, ITGirli, us_geeks) have been labelled by DMambo as the Impure Brigade, here follows the Impure Friday Yuk for your perusal.

Rules are fairly flexible (DE!) The main rule to follow is that the jokes and funnies on this particular thread, MUST be impure of thought, mind or deed. Or there will be trouble!! X-(

So, to start you all (y'all, Mae, sorry!) off, here's a few on my (as you all well know) favourite topic.....


A father and son go into a grocery store and see a display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes. The father replies, ?Well, you see that three-pack? That?s for when you?re in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night? ?what?s the 6 pack for?? asks the son. The father replies, ?That?s for when you?re in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday morning? ?So what?s the 12-pack for? asks the son. The father replies ?son, that?s for when you?re married. You have one for January, one for February???

What did Adam say to Eve? ?Stand back! I don?t know how big this thing gets!?

Paddy hires a call girl for the night, but when she arrives, they discover that neither of them has any condoms. The girl doesn?t want to lose a sale, and Paddy doesn?t object, so they have sex without protection. Afterwards, Paddy turns to the girl and says ?Oh God, I just thought. You don?t have AIDS to you?? ?No? says the girl. ?Thank God for that? says Paddy, I?d hate to catch it twice???

What did the elephant say to the nude man? ?It?s cute, but can it pick up peanuts??

A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large that it hurts to have sex. After she has explained the problem to her lawyer, he tells her that he?ll file her petition. The woman replies ?Stuff that! Why can?t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit?


Happy Friday, all, and here's to a wonderful weekend!

GG

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Another long one....King Arthur and the Witch

by cp7212 In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would
henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day.... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate
moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now.... what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down


The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

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Raisin bread

by jdclyde In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Original Raisin Bread
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as He surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests
his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady
seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for
raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and
thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops
and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a
quivering'......."

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Amateurs...

by blieffring In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

The postings above are crude lite. The site below is industrial grade. have fun

http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/

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Biology Lesson

by NotSoChiGuy In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

One day, a father and a son are walking in the park. They come across a pair of dogs that are in the act of procreation.

"Daddy, what are they doing?" asks the son.

"They are trying to make a little puppy together" responds the father.

Later that night, a terrible thunderstorm rolls through, and scares the boy from his slumber. He runs into his parents room, and happens across them in the process of making love.

"Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?" asks the boy.

The mother replies "Daddy and mommy are trying to make you a little sister".

The boy ponders for a moment, and says "Well, mommy, can you flip over? I'd rather have a puppy".

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by jdclyde In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

by jdclyde In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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sounds dirty

by jdclyde In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But
Aren't:


10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

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Variety pack

by jdclyde In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians ! in a room together?
100 people who don't do ****.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
50 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend! and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
(alternative answer)
The smell.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

(for us_geeks)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

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Depending on your point of view this could be considered impure.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

A new element has been discovered!!!

The recent hurricanes and skyrocketing oil and gasoline prices helped to
prove the existence of a new element. In early October 2005, a major
research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called 'morons' which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called 'peons.'
Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay; but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will
actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming 'isodopes.' This characteristic of
moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that Gv is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Morass.'

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes "Administratium' (Am) - an element
which radiates just as much energy as Gv, since it has half as many peons
but twice as many morons.

If you want to make it a tad more impure; think arseholium.

Dawg ]:)

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I would say

by jdclyde In reply to Depending on your point o ...

some DORK somewhere had WAY to much free time on their hands and got tired of talking to each other in Klingon! :^O

Of course, I say this in the best possible way! B-)

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