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The Impure Friday Yuk

By gadgetgirl ·
As we (myself, jdclyde, sleepin' dawg, jck, ITGirli, us_geeks) have been labelled by DMambo as the Impure Brigade, here follows the Impure Friday Yuk for your perusal.

Rules are fairly flexible (DE!) The main rule to follow is that the jokes and funnies on this particular thread, MUST be impure of thought, mind or deed. Or there will be trouble!! X-(

So, to start you all (y'all, Mae, sorry!) off, here's a few on my (as you all well know) favourite topic.....


A father and son go into a grocery store and see a display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes. The father replies, ?Well, you see that three-pack? That?s for when you?re in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night? ?what?s the 6 pack for?? asks the son. The father replies, ?That?s for when you?re in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday morning? ?So what?s the 12-pack for? asks the son. The father replies ?son, that?s for when you?re married. You have one for January, one for February???

What did Adam say to Eve? ?Stand back! I don?t know how big this thing gets!?

Paddy hires a call girl for the night, but when she arrives, they discover that neither of them has any condoms. The girl doesn?t want to lose a sale, and Paddy doesn?t object, so they have sex without protection. Afterwards, Paddy turns to the girl and says ?Oh God, I just thought. You don?t have AIDS to you?? ?No? says the girl. ?Thank God for that? says Paddy, I?d hate to catch it twice???

What did the elephant say to the nude man? ?It?s cute, but can it pick up peanuts??

A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large that it hurts to have sex. After she has explained the problem to her lawyer, he tells her that he?ll file her petition. The woman replies ?Stuff that! Why can?t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit?


Happy Friday, all, and here's to a wonderful weekend!

GG

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Blowing Chunks

by ttosun In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Three guys go out drinking one night. The next morning they're around the water cooler all hung over discussing the night before.

Guy 1: Oh, man. I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks!

Guy 2: That's nothing. I was so wated I walked into the wrong house.

Guy 3: Ppsshht...so what. I was so wasted, not only did I walk into the wrong house, I slept with someone elses wife.

Guy 1: I think I have you both beat.

Guy 2&3: How do you figure? All you did was go home and **** chunks.

Guy 1: Guys, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog!

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no joke

by jck In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

just wishing you all a happy friday...

as I wait here for a meeting that my boss was supposed to start 20 minutes ago...as he talks to the FedEx guy about his son and his apartment dilemmas in Tampa.

I'd use harsh language right now, but then I'd be labelled something else too.

peace out. I'm going to be pissed off some more.

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Cereal for impotent men

by softcorp.us In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Nut 'N Raisin Honey

...not THAT impure, I know :-)

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Two Nuns

by Bob in Calgary In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

Two nuns are on their way to the US for the first time, and get talking to the air stewardess, She tells them that as they are going to be landing in New York they have to try the world famous New York Hot Dogs.

So eventually the plane lands and the nuns make their way out of the airport where they see a Hot Dog stand. Eagerly they both order a hot dog, as the first nun looks at the hot dog she starts to giggle and askes the second nun

Which part of the Dog did you get?

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while we are on the subject of nuns

by stargazerr In reply to Two Nuns

There is this guy driving on a road and he see?s this nun walking on the side. He stops and asks if she needed a ride in to the nearest town and she said "yes". So they are driving along and he finally asks "how do nuns have sex". She said " well they can?t be married or have any children". He replied quick saying " I don?t have a wife or kids". She said "well thats good. So they pull over and go have sex in they back of the truck. After about 20 minutes they start driving again and he says" Sister, I have a confession to make, I am married and I have 3 kids." and the nun goes " Well I have a confession of my own to make, My name is George and I?m going to a costume party".

]:)

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More Nuns..

by road-dog In reply to Two Nuns

The Convent was undergoing renovation and two nuns were assigned to paint an office, but without getting any paint on their habits.

They decided that they should lock the door and paint nude to avoid despoiling the habits.

After a while there was a knock on the door and the person on the other side announced himself as "blind man". They quickly decided that since the man was blind, they could answer the door "sans apparel".

When they opened the door, the man said: "nice rack, where do you want these blinds hung?" ...

An oldie but a goodie!

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Star Wars Episode XXX

by softcorp.us In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

"I can't! It's too big!"

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Control, control! You must learn control!"

"Possible he came in through the south entrance."

"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

"When I met you I was but the learner. Now, *I* am the master."

"This little one's not worth the effort."

"The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master."

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"You've learned much, young one."

"Having trouble with your droid?"

"Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for...sister!"

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

"Where are you taking this... thing?"

"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

"Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

"You've got something jammed in here real good."

"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

"Sorry about the mess..."

"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

"Hurry up, golden-rod..."

"Hey, point that thing someplace else."

"There is good in him, I've felt it."

"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."

"Back door, huh? Good idea!"

"She's gonna ****!"

"I think you'll fit in nicely."

"She seems to be on top of things."

"What took you so long?"

"If you spent as much time practicing your saber techniques as you did your

wit, you'd rival Master Yoda as a swordsman."

"If Obi-Wan caught me doing that, he would be very grumpy."

"Ani? My goodness, you've grown."

"Your clones are very impressive. You must be very proud."

"It's no good down here, I can't maneuver!"

"Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!"

"Lord Vader... Rise."

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Ahaa ...

by stargazerr In reply to Star Wars Episode XXX

Star wars .. my favorite topic

Here are a few you missed ..

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

I never knew I had it in me.'

]:)

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Woooops...

by jzsdii In reply to The Impure Friday Yuk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's c___ is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"!

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out . . .

"I'll be damned . . .
My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"!

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