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The Mambo Friday Yuk

By gadgetgirl ·
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Ok, all, I need your help here.

Mambo has stated definitively that he is joining the Impure Brigade, as stated here:

http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=207806&messageID=2149929

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I personally would particularly miss that red glow in the western sky.

So to see if we can shock him back into his rightful role as the Guardian of the Pure, this is going to be a Very Impure Yuk.....

Lets restore that warm glow to DMambo!

]:)

------------------

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll **** your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says


ARE YOU: IN LOVE, LUST OR MARRIED?

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.
LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?
LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.
LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.
LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.
LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.
LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.


Small problems

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

and finally, one for the boys! <snigger!>

CAUGHT CHEATING

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Happy Friday, and wonderful weekend, peeps!

GG

]:)

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another supposedly true exchange...

by heml0ck In reply to real (allegedly) funny ai ...

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities of the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations,
10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United states Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Cruisers and numerous
support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-
measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE WAY TOO SERIOUSLY!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is like -- night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Dawg ]:)

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Amusing Quotes Attributed to Famous People

by heml0ck In reply to ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WH ...

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
~Carl Gustav Jung

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
~Brendan Gill

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.
~Socrates

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
~F. P. Jones

Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense.
~Benjamin Disraeli

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
~Benjamin Franklin

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
~Abraham Lincoln

(Asked shortly before a tour to Vietnam if he was worth 50 million dollars) If I had $50 million, I wouldn't go to Vietnam; I'd send for it.
~Bob Hope

A letter is an unannounced visit, the postman the agent of rude surprises. One ought to reserve an hour a week for receiving letters and afterwards take a bath.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
~G. K. Chesterton

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
~George Bernard Shaw

My reputation grows with every failure.
~George Bernard Shaw

An order that can be misunderstood will be.
~Napoleon Bonaparte

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. ~Oscar Wilde

There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten.
~Samuel Johnson

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
~Spike Milligan

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. ~Voltaire

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
~W. C. Fields

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
~Winston Churchill

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.
~Somerset Maugham

I seldom think of politics more than 18 hours a day.
~Lyndon Johnson

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
~George Carlin

I've had a wonderful evening, ... but this wasn't it.
~Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
~Groucho Marx

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
~Albert Einstein

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
~James M. Barrie

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
~Arthur Schopenhauer

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
~Robert Orben

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
~Steven Wright

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. ~Robert Benchley

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
~Rodney Dangerfield

A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company. ~Charles Evans Hughes

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
~Eric Morecambe

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
~Geoff Arbuthnot

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. ~Partick Moore

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~Will Rogers

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan

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Dawg

by maecuff In reply to ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WH ...

I liked those..and I completely identify with # 36.

Here are some really bad jokes.. they DID make me smile, though.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." He picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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hiya mae

by heml0ck In reply to Dawg

do my jokes this week qualify me to join the dark side and the impure brigade?

http://www.gotwavs.com/0085934086/MP3S/Movies/Star_Wars/darkside.mp3

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sure!

by maecuff In reply to hiya mae

Of course, you'll have to check with GG, she's our queen.. :)

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Tommy Cooper quotes

by neilb@uk In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So he said "I"m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said "You"ve been promoted." And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You"ve been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You"re managing director." And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I Said "I careered off the road.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

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I'm In Need

by Steffi28 In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

Of a laugh

So I thought I'd breathe some life into the Yuk and hopefully people will follow suit and tell me funny things

_________________________________________

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

____________________________________________

Just in case you need proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

__________________________________________

An Irishman is really, really drunk,(nothing unusual there eh) so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

_____________________________________________

And Just so I don't get kicked out of the Impure Brigade....

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the **** out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"
_____________________________________

What women would do if they had a ***** for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a **** job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

What men would do if they had a ****** for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

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a droolin afternoon

by rob mekel In reply to I'm In Need

Maybe this will help..
-----
Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."
----

Rob

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Ive Just Noticed Something

by Steffi28 In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

GG it looks like your years work is complete

http://tinyurl.com/yrvg5w

Now as you have made it your mission for the past 12 months your not allowed to be upset about it now!

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