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The TSNO/USID Friday Yuk

By jck ·
TSNO = There's Still No Oz (hope you're okay/not in rehab)
USID = United States Independence Day

When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?


The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.


What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.


One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before. Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in Airforce One somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord. I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?" Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya. Bush sees Cheney streaking past and unfastens his parachute, while shouting "So, ya wanna race, huh?"


Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blond thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."


3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!


His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says FOR 3-5 YEAR OLDS!"


George W. Bush is visiting yet another elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and was hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be an accident." A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus was hit by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be a great loss." Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. "Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?" Johnny says, "If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy." Dubya says, "Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as **** wouldn't a great loss!"


Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Bush, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Bush yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Neil.

Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."


Cheney gets a call from his "boss", Bush.

"I've got a problem," says Bush.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

"A big rooster," replies Bush.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. Bush points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to Bush and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."


A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!". The guy says, "Dagnabit Georgie, it's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The guy says, "It was the Bush boy -- been a drinking again too -- big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" Hey Georgie, do you still need a push?" Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push." The guy says, "Well where in tarnation are you boy?" The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What?s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"


The far right extremists of,,, and finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".


As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ***." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


A first grade teacher is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. ?Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."


George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Kathrine Harris go fishing on the lake by George W.'s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one. George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such." John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations' chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country." Finally, Kathryn Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats." And the three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 37 votes."


George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy **** Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to ****, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box ****, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend **** what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"


A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young Bush is a post turtle." Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?" Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."


George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.


One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Happy Independence Day, all you radical money-grubbing self-serving righteous bible-thumping conservatives. I hope you enjoy your new project after Hyatt Hotels runs you out of your house!

(I'm heading for Ireland...)

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9 days and counting

by Jessie In reply to Brill, Jess!

to D-Day... well, ESTIMATED D-Day anyway... and I'm ready... this kiddo can come ANY TIME NOW <hint to baby!!!> I'm in pain. I'm waddling. I'm the size of a barn. All the little clothes have been washed and put away. My hospital bag is packed. The car seat is ready... now it's just a waiting game... I'M READY ALREADY!!!

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No hanging on, then!

by gadgetgirl In reply to 9 days and counting

cos I'm on annual leave for 2 weeks from the 15th, and I need to know your news before I go!

Now, I don't expect you to email your TR mates from the labour ward, or even immediately on getting back home, but I don't want us to be the last to know, either.....

Ok, Jessiesbump, listen - Mum is now starting to feel uncomfortable and thinks its time you put in your appearance. Just think of all the love, hugs, cuddles, fusses and kisses waiting for you - you just need to get out, and start experimenting with life. You've got a good start, cos you've got a wonderful Mum and Dad, and siblings to play with, so why not come out and find out what it's all about? With people like that watching over you, it's all good. Nothing to be frightened about, nothing too scary at first. And if the midwife or doctor smacks you too hard when you first come out, just tell Dad. He'll sort them for you! :^O

Jess, just take it easy. Don't waddle, sit. Chill. Enjoy the last few days of NOT changing nappies...oh, there I go again - diapers! (If you want something to do, write a script that scans my emails to convert UK to US wording!!)


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Glad you didn't make any mention of Forceps

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to No hanging on, then!

Or the use of Microwave Ovens to warm up the cold baby.

I honestly believe that all women should be shown the delivery interments before they even consider getting pregnant it should put them off for life I know those things scare the CRAP out of me and I know that they will never be used on me. :^O

Col ]:)

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just check for me, will you?

by gadgetgirl In reply to Glad you didn't make any ...

cos the last I heard, you were a man

And men shouldn't be even thinking of having those sorts of things used on them.

And if you haven't got the relevant "bits", why are you scared of said instruments?

On the other ....hand, (!) you just proved the point that if the men had the babies, the human race would have died out years ago!!! :^O


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If men had the babies

by Oz_Media In reply to just check for me, will y ...

You're right humans would be no more. Not because men couldn't handle child birth but because if married women didn't need to have sex to bear children, there would be no marital sex.

Considering some religions are against premarital sex, I think that God really was a woman just trying to get the flowers and candy, movies, romantic dinners and vacations without putting out.

You show me a man that is against premarital sex and I'll show you a liar.

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by ITgirli In reply to just check for me, will y ...

You want to hear a funny thing, I knew a guy who was against premarital sex. Of course this was after he had been having premarital sex for several years. But after he and I went our separate ways, he went and found "God" (I didn't know he was lost) and became very much against premarital sex. He claimed that he didn't want to be that intimate with someone who could just up and leave. (news flash* anyone can up in leave, marriage doesn't stop people from going) And what's the point in premarital sex if you CAN'T just up and leave? He was a funny little idiot.

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Hey, Oz, I'm a man against pre-marital sex (now)

by DMambo In reply to just check for me, will y ...

Of course that's because I've been married for so long and have 3 kids who will be approaching that age during this decade. Twenty years ago, it was a different story.....

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Like Benny Hill

by Oz_Media In reply to just check for me, will y ...

In his best Chinese impersonation


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Not quite right there Gadgetgirl

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to just check for me, will y ...

Yes I am male but I did have those things used on me when I was born.

I guess that it beats the Quack reaching in and tying a rope around the neck and pulling the baby out but only by a little. But I worked IT in a maternity hospital many years ago now and the things that I saw there where to say the least interesting. That was back in the days of mainframes and I would have to go tracing wires to find out why the "Dumb Terminals" had gone off line so I virtually had the run of the place. That and the fact that I got to know most of the staff fairly well only made things worse as they would constantly ask me to do things not in my Job Description but as I was there and a wasted pair of hands as far as they where concerned I did get roped into a lot of the things that went on in that place.

Col ]:)

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It gets worse

by neilb@uk In reply to Glad you didn't make any ...

I just loved the look of horror on my friend's face when I explained "episiotomy" to him just before the birth of his first...

And it wasn't even going to be done to him!

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