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The TSNO/USID Friday Yuk

By jck ·
TSNO = There's Still No Oz (hope you're okay/not in rehab)
USID = United States Independence Day

**********************
When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?

*

The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

*

What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.

*

One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before. Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in Airforce One somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord. I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?" Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya. Bush sees Cheney streaking past and unfastens his parachute, while shouting "So, ya wanna race, huh?"

*

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blond thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

*

3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!

*

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says FOR 3-5 YEAR OLDS!"

*

George W. Bush is visiting yet another elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and was hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be an accident." A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus was hit by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be a great loss." Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. "Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?" Johnny says, "If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy." Dubya says, "Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as **** wouldn't a great loss!"


*

Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Bush, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Bush yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Neil.

Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."

*

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", Bush.

"I've got a problem," says Bush.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

"A big rooster," replies Bush.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. Bush points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to Bush and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

*

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!". The guy says, "Dagnabit Georgie, it's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The guy says, "It was the Bush boy -- been a drinking again too -- big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" Hey Georgie, do you still need a push?" Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push." The guy says, "Well where in tarnation are you boy?" The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!

*

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What?s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

*

The far right extremists of FreeRepublic.com, WSJ.com, Nazi.com, and KKK.com finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

*

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ***." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

*

A first grade teacher is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. ?Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."

*

George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Kathrine Harris go fishing on the lake by George W.'s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one. George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such." John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations' chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country." Finally, Kathryn Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats." And the three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 37 votes."

*

George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy **** Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to ****, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box ****, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend **** what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

*

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young Bush is a post turtle." Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?" Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

*

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

*

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."
***************************

Happy Independence Day, all you radical money-grubbing self-serving righteous bible-thumping conservatives. I hope you enjoy your new project after Hyatt Hotels runs you out of your house!

(I'm heading for Ireland...)

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A friend came to me quite stunned the other day

by Oz_Media In reply to It gets worse

He had just watched his wife give birth, congrats James and Lynn and welcome to Earth for Lisa, and he was so put off he doesn't think he will be able to do it (with her) for some time yet.

His face was in horror as he said "They took a scalpel and just cut 'it'......."

He was walking a bit funny too just at the thought of it.

When my ex gave birth it was about a half hour of labour and a really quick delivery, done deal, piece of cake. We were sitting around having Christmas leftovers and she said, geez I think I'm in labour. We headed to the horsebrutal and were done in no time.

Her mother said it was the same for her three kids too, easy peasy. Some women have all the luck I guess.

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Neil, anytime you get to thinking men are the tougher gender two words.....

by sleepin'dawg In reply to It gets worse

I've got two words that are guaranteed to make you flinch, cross your legs and question the sanity of women!!!

Bikini Wax

Apparently this is a regular grooming ritual for a lot of women. You take hot wax, pour it in your crotch, wait for it to harden and then rip it off. I am flinching just typing this.

BTW an episiotomy is not always done but is left to the doctors discretion. The main reason for performing one is to prevent tearing of the **** sphyncter muscle.


Dawg ]:)

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My mistake (one of many)

by jdclyde In reply to It gets worse

Was during the cecerian (thing two was breach) I took a look over the little curtain. AAAAAAHH!

That was the single grosest thing I have seen in my LIFE! The nurse asked if I was alright because I went white as a ghost.

There was a big hole cut open and it looked like something after the alien had burst out of someones chest! (I always wondered where they got the idea for that in the movies....)

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Oz/Dawg

by JamesRL In reply to It gets worse

There have been a few studies which show that some doctors rush to do an episiotomy when it isn't necessary, which does cause a longer recovery/healing process. I do recall one of the mothers in our labour class being adamant against episiotomies and drugs, but never found out whether she caved.

Never happened in our case, as the first was an emergency C section, and the last two were scheduled C sections.

James

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Thinking of the "birth process"...................

by sleepin'dawg In reply to It gets worse

Can you imagine trying to squeeze a watermellon through a garden hose??? Makes me damn glad I'm not a woman!!!

Dawg ]:)

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Dawg

by Oz_Media In reply to It gets worse

that souds like what I needed after eating at the Longhorn Barbeque in Auburn the other night!

Damn, I thought our bodies were supposed to digest food for chirst's sake!

Thank god for a high pain threshold!

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Dawg again

by Oz_Media In reply to It gets worse

What do you call a woman who can suck a watermelon through a garden hose?


Sweetheart!

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A more frightening word for Dawg..

by gadgetgirl In reply to No hanging on, then!

I shall say this only once...


BRAZILIAN


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Not even close Jessie

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to 9 days and counting

You are still counting in Days when you start counting in Minutes & Seconds you are getting close.

Incidentally without intervention it is the Baby who decides when it is born not the mother or father no matter how much both parties want it out. I know it's been quite a while since my last was born but that left a lasting impression on me it was so painful that I very much doubt that I'll ever forget it 29 years ago next month and it's still my fault that "She Who Must Be Obeyed" insisted when she would go to the Hospital too late for tea then the Quack was in at 2.30 AM and did an ARM so she missed breakfast and eventually the girl was born at 1.32 PM so she missed lunch as well. I'm still blamed for those missed meals even though after the first one was born I was told in no uncertain terms "NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Col ]:)

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Jessie

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to 9 days and counting

Forget Gadgetgirls request to know after your home and part way recovered How about taking a LT & Web Cam and putting the birth live on the Internet for everyone at TR? :^O

At the very least after the delivery you can Peer Mail me from your bed with the outcome but get in before the drugs have worn off and while you still feel high as a kite after that time you'll not have the time available to play on a computer so I want to know ASAP!

Perhaps something like when our last was born will happen after the delivery the Midwife placed a set of locking forceps on the cord and the Midwife then proceeded to pickup a pair of scissors to cut the cord and she got most adiment when I suggested that wasn't such a good idea she got all uppity and insisted that she knew what she was doing and I didn't have a clue so she cut the cord and ended up being covered in fetal blood. It was then that I told her that she needed a second pair of locking forceps on the cord before she cut it.

But at least she cut the right side and only had the contents of the placenta cover her.

Col ]:)

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