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Thursday and Friday Yuk

By rdeane ·
Tags: Off Topic
Seeing as most of us may have tomorrow off i thought i would take this opportunity to start the weekend off right. Also seeing as everyone is under the assumption that i dont contribute i thought this would break the ice nicely. Here we go ladies and gentlemen....

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''


A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber??

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the **** do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as **** isn't good enough for you!"


Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

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So Shelly does that mean that you've

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to so..

Been giving Beth a break lately from having to follow you around and edit your posts?

But you have to be fair as what was posted above isn't anything that I haven't said straight to you is it?

But I notice that you didn't make a reply to my observation that you would argue with a GPS's directions as you would think that they where wrong did you? :0

Col ]:)

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This test is way out and all wrong

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I'm Chelsea Clinton

According to this I'm Ozzie Osbourne have drunk away 15 Ferrari's and have drunk so much that I should be dead from Alcohol Poisoning.

What a Crock it's completely wrong as I never pay for the booze that I drink so there is no chance of me paying for all those Ferrari's. As I only ever drink under Medical Supervision I'm totally safe in what I consume so there is no chance of me dieing from being poisoned by having Blood In My Alcohol. And I'm well preserved.

Talk about the silly way that this is treated it only looks at how often you go out what you drink and how much, there is absolutely nothing mentioned about who is paying for the Booze or anything else relating to the amount drunk or the cost of the spirits drunk as I'm sure that the expensive Scotch that I drink provided by my doctor would certainly come to more Ferrari's that stated above.

Col ]:)

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of all friggin things..

by Shellbot In reply to I'm Chelsea Clinton

Homer Simpson..its telling me I'm Homer..
i'm way more attractive than that..i think anyways..maybe i not..
*its been a long long day*

oh ya..0.3 of a Ferarri

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If you put your part and my part together, we would have a neat motorcycle

by daveo2000 In reply to of all friggin things..

or maybe a slick looking redneck trailer...

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by NickNielsen In reply to small contribution

I ran it twice, the first time with my current drinking habits and the second time with 10 years ago. The results, in order:

.31 Ferraris, Boris Yeltsin

.94 Ferraris, Ozzie

Maybe it's because I drink only beer when I go out...

If they wanted to know how much I actually drink, they should have asked about home, too!

Edit: fingers can't type fast as mind goes.

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I think that you need to

by w2ktechman In reply to Interesting

dilute your alcohol stream with a little more blood. But who knows, maybe your body has gotten sooo used to it that it cannot process from blood anymore.
I have a cousin like that. Every night, drinks at least a 12 pack by himself. I visited for a couple of hours recently, and he was almost completely coherent and rational after I watched him drink his 15th beer.... We even tried fooling him by moving a half-empty and replacing it with an empty bottle. He tapped it, ran his finger across the rim of the bottle, started doing it to the others until he found his half full one.
I was very impressed, but know that it would take many years for me to reach that level.

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I'm apparently Ozzy Osbourne

by tryten In reply to small contribution

.5 ferraris
59 bath tubs.....
At least its been fun

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Funny, I would have thought that Ozzy

by w2ktechman In reply to I'm apparently Ozzy Osbou ...

would be somewhere like 50 Ferrarri's, not .5......

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by tryten In reply to Funny, I would have thoug ...

I thought he would have a large fleet of em myself.

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They say a Picture is worth a k words so here's a few K's worth

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Thursday and Friday Yuk

The Jumper Don't Look!!!!

This one is Steffi when she's sick or run out of batteries. Not sure what the battery bit is about but JD insisted.

Another from JD explaining why GG isn't around could someone please explain this to me?

The Very Fragile Thin Skinned Easily Upset

Col ]:)

LBH :^0 :^0

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