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To the citizens of the United States of America

By neilb@uk ·
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 1st May 2005. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You may still continue to eat them. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not mature enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

You will remove the laughter track from reruns of ?Mash?. You will produce the criminals responsible for this act of barbarism.

There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know. Trust us in this.

Learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad-Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Regional dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Braveheart, U571 and other like films will be remade and prefixed with an apology for changing our history without our permission.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 5% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby. This is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, having teams of one hundred players or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. Stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America although since only 5% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. We will be introducing Cricket but it?s unlikely that you?ll ever be any good.

Declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 95% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". The only proviso is that nuclear weapons may only be used in France if the wind is from the north.

You will be appropriately friendly towards Canadians as they are much nicer than you. This, of course, does not include the French-speaking.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 95% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is salt and vinegar. You will make these available.

Waitresses will be trained to be (much) more aggressive with customers.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon ? that?ll sort out the SUV drivers).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

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Oh Yes we got subjected to that

by Tony Hopkinson In reply to And your evidence for a h ...

Another bleeding awful program. Sort of fits in with Hart To Hart and other such toss

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Alrighty then...

by Jessie In reply to To the citizens of the Un ...

We'll just add a U to all words from here on out. Thaut shuould mauke thingus mucuh easiuer four yuou tou understaund aund weu'll aull juust geut aloung mucuh beutter.

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Nouw youu aure juust beuing suilly!

by neilb@uk In reply to Alrighty then...
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Iu hauve thaut teundancy

by Jessie In reply to Nouw youu aure juust beui ...

suilliness ruuns iun muy famiuly

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Och ha!

by gralfus In reply to Alrighty then...

That's begining to look like anglo-saxon! Ok, only a bit. Here's the real thing:

Ic eom anhaga iserne wund,
bille gebennad, beadoweorca s?d,
ecgum werig. Oft ic wig seo,
frecne feohtan. Frofre ne wene,
??t mec geoc cyme gu?gewinnes,
?r mec hnossia? homera lafe,
heardecg heoroscearp, ondweorc smi?a.

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That just makes my head hurt

by Jessie In reply to Och ha!

How the heck is anybody supposed to be able to PRONOUNCE any of that? Not that I wouldn't like to LEARN it... but dang!

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Difficulty of non-latin based languages

by JamesRL In reply to Och ha!

I've had to sing in Gaelic, German, Latin, modern Italian, Quebecois French, France French, Hungarian, Hebrew and a few others.

One of the hardest was Gaelic as there are different variants depending on Irish and Scots(they even pronounce the word differently) and the words do not lend themselves to being written with our alphabet. If you try to sound it out phonetically, you will be lost. Luckily in all these cases we had at least one and often more native speakers of these languages to assist us with pronunciation.

Anglo Saxon appears as if it would have similar challenges.

James

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a reply to the revocation part

by jck In reply to To the citizens of the Un ...

just said so even you can understand it, much like Hancock signed big for George to read:

**** off, ya manky plonker!

Thank you...have a nice day :)

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Turn about

by jbaker In reply to a reply to the revocation ...

Well, since things do not change in Britain, perhaps it is time we went over and absolved the monarchy....make G.B. the 51st State.

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"Absolved"?? Isn't that a job for the Pope?

by neilb@uk In reply to Turn about

Dissolve them, by all means, wastrel gang of inbred good-for-nothings.

Anyway, with 60 million people, I reckon we're good for at least 15 states. Problem is, most of us would vote Democrat and that would truly upfuck your political system.

Neil

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