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To the citizens of the United States of America

By neilb@uk ·
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 1st May 2005. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You may still continue to eat them. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not mature enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

You will remove the laughter track from reruns of ?Mash?. You will produce the criminals responsible for this act of barbarism.

There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know. Trust us in this.

Learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad-Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Regional dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Braveheart, U571 and other like films will be remade and prefixed with an apology for changing our history without our permission.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 5% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby. This is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, having teams of one hundred players or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. Stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America although since only 5% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. We will be introducing Cricket but it?s unlikely that you?ll ever be any good.

Declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 95% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". The only proviso is that nuclear weapons may only be used in France if the wind is from the north.

You will be appropriately friendly towards Canadians as they are much nicer than you. This, of course, does not include the French-speaking.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 95% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is salt and vinegar. You will make these available.

Waitresses will be trained to be (much) more aggressive with customers.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon ? that?ll sort out the SUV drivers).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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Great idea

by Jay Garmon Contributor In reply to "Absolved"?? Isn't that a ...

We'll absorb you in recognition of your own devolutionary notions (UK political term; think "states' rights").

The new states will be England, Cornwall, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Ireland (we'll let emmissaries from North/South Dakota, North/South Carolina and Virginia/West Virginia sort out the whole IRA issue, probably with superior firepower).

This will have the advantage of forcing several uppity northeastern US states and one overly lucky NFL team to stop referring to themselves as "New England." It will also squash all those annoying import tariffs and fine British/Irish delicacies, like Cadbury chocolates and, to note JCK and Oz's preferences, Guinness.

The new states will also be forced to adopt US regional DVD encoding, so I can get reasonably priced Red Dwarf discs, and finally learn what this whole Quartermass Project thing is about.

Besides, having U.S. Marines stationed that close to France has to be good for a few chuckles.

--Jay

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Hey TG

by jck In reply to Great idea

If you know how to do it, you can get NA Region DVDs of Red Dwarf...legally

btw...How about the old "Hitchhiker's Guide" 6-part series? hehehe

BTW, i'd like to apply first for the job as "Governor of Ireland".

I'll be appointing my friend who's a top-10 DJ over there to be my press minister.

He can explain to the press how I drank 14 pints in a night :)

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Problem is, I'm cheap

by Jay Garmon Contributor In reply to Hey TG

I can get NA region Red Dwarf sets on Amazon, but the prices are a bit steep. I own the old Hitchhikers series on VHS (cute, but it hasn't aged well).

Governor of Ireland...heh, to say nothing of the ironies of a senator being introduced as "The distinguished gentleman from Ireland." Or how this will muck up the electroral college and presidential campaigning.

Oh, and James Bond...yeah, he works for us now.

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a cure for all muck

by jck In reply to Problem is, I'm cheap

Guinness would clear up all the muck...you'd be amazed how well everyone gets along in Ireland...I think it's because they're all sedated on Guinness

As for being introduced, I think that most Irishmen would be more appropriately introduced that way (even while intoxicated), than someone like Ted Kennedy, Gary Condit, Gary Hart, or a plethora of others who have not been such outstanding Senators in regards to our own laws and moral values we hold so dear.

BTW...I have the old Hitchhikers...digitized...hehehehe...5MB/s sampling in stereo (DVD quality).

Thank God for technology.

Guinness, anyone? :)

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You missed Yorkshire out !

by Tony Hopkinson In reply to Great idea

That's instant civil war. I'm afraid if this happened, Yorkshire would have to insist on independance from the UK, and become a fully fledged member of the EU, being lumped in with a bunch of 'lancs' would be wholly unacceptable.

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To the uninitiated...

by neilb@uk In reply to You missed Yorkshire out ...

Yorkshire is our equivalent of Texas. They are a proud people and would have to be a state on their own.

Like Texas, they can declare themselves an independent terrirory at any time or split into three separate states (ridings), the East Riding, West Riding and North Riding.

Note: Do not ask what happened to the South Riding. This is one of the most infamous occurrences in British History and is rarely discussed with outsiders. Google for the "Baht'At Massacre" if you must know. (I'm sorry, Tony, as I know how much it hurts a Yorkshireman to be reminded of that awful day.)

I include, below, their "National Anthem". Note the guarded reference to The Massacre.

Nah, up i' Bonny Scotland
Wheear Rab Burns wrote 'is sonnits
Ter show at ther a prickly lot
The weear thistles i? ther bonnits

An ovver theear i? t?Land o' Song
i? t'valleys an on t'ills
Whenivver it's St David's day
The all weear daffodills

Fowk seem ter like an emblem
It shows wheear the from tha sees
i? Ireland the've got shamrocks
An i' France it's Fleur de Lys

Bur up north i' God's cahnties
As ivvrybody knows
The've chozzen far ther symbol
A bonny English rose

Among t'cotton mills i' Lancasheer
Wheear t'second teamers bide
The use a Tudor rose o' red
An the weear it wi sum pride

But 'ere i' t'Brooad Acres
Wi're 'eead an showders above t'rest
An wi weear a rose o' tpurest white
Ter show at wi?re "The Best"

Soa all ye lads an lasses
Kum on, oppen up yer throits
Sing aht "On Ilkla mooar baht 'at"
An pin a white rose on yer coits

Yer can travel abaht all ovver t'world
Go ennywheear yer like
Just point ter t'rose an seh ter fowk
"Sither, Ahm a tyke"

Neil

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That is f'ing brilliant !

by Tony Hopkinson In reply to To the uninitiated...

Just got a new job, going to foreign parts in Manchester, the second teamers decided they needed help from across the mountains again. Just getting my visa and innoculations sorted out. Get on with the funny coloured roses most of the time, at least they aren't southerners.

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Aren't they named after

by jdclyde In reply to You missed Yorkshire out ...

A pudding? How tough can ANYONE named after a pudding be?

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Tony! He's all yours

by neilb@uk In reply to Aren't they named after

Hmmm. American Pie? English Muffins? I think we are all a bit sweet.

The French are Toast!

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Just staying with the intent of the original post

by jdclyde In reply to Aren't they named after

Don't shoot the mesenger!

Your just jelous that we have better food named after us!

Pie kicks pudding butt all day long!

We also have american fries, (think hashbrowns).

Come to think of it, do the brits have ANY cusine? (besides muffins) When people go out to eat it is chinese, italian, greek or mexican. I have NEVER HEARD of going out for british, unless it was getting tanked at a pub somewhere.

Would LOVE to hear what you have to offer.

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