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To the citizens of the United States of America

By neilb@uk ·
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 1st May 2005. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You may still continue to eat them. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not mature enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

You will remove the laughter track from reruns of ?Mash?. You will produce the criminals responsible for this act of barbarism.

There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know. Trust us in this.

Learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or bad-Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Regional dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Braveheart, U571 and other like films will be remade and prefixed with an apology for changing our history without our permission.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 5% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby. This is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, having teams of one hundred players or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. Stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America although since only 5% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. We will be introducing Cricket but it?s unlikely that you?ll ever be any good.

Declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 95% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". The only proviso is that nuclear weapons may only be used in France if the wind is from the north.

You will be appropriately friendly towards Canadians as they are much nicer than you. This, of course, does not include the French-speaking.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 95% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is salt and vinegar. You will make these available.

Waitresses will be trained to be (much) more aggressive with customers.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon ? that?ll sort out the SUV drivers).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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British cuisine

by neilb@uk In reply to Aren't they named after

Cooking is my hobby so I can suggest some.

What we really do major in is desserts - puddings to us. Kids love 'em. If you can cook at all, try this one - Gary Rhodes is a very well respected chef and anything of his is top-notch. Be warned - 1 million calories per serving is usual.


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Actually that's true

by Tony Hopkinson In reply to Aren't they named after

When foreigner's (people not from Yorkhire) get funny we batter 'em
Ya big daft puddin' is an afectionate phrase up North for someome who's just made a foolish but well meaning error.

So ...
Ya big Daft puddin'

If you want to insult a Yorkshireman call him a cockney or a lanc, you're more likely to get a rise then, which is more than you can say for my last attempt at cooking the local delicacy.
You can tell how much more wholesome a Yorkshire pud is because no one go's around calling people big daft pretzels
Tee Hee.

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proof is in the "big daft pudd'in"

by jdclyde In reply to Aren't they named after

Deserts? Is that all you have to offer?

Sure I started out poking good fun but now I am really wondering. What FOOD (desert is NOT food) do the Brits have?

I guess as a start I will have to see what this Rhodes dude has to offer the world. Bookmarked the link and will have to try them out.

My boys LOVE to help me cook so this will be great!

puddin heads!

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JD, trust me in this

by neilb@uk In reply to Aren't they named after

British puddings are FOOD!

Anyway, our cuisine is pretty good these days and London is one of the World's gastro-capitals. What you would think of as British food is fairly simple stuff, fish and chips, steak and kidney pudding, Lancashire hotpot. They're all "comfort foods" made of wall-to-wall lard. We can do better but the regional classics done well are good. Find a recipe for Yorkshire pudding but you'll then have to find a recipe for proper English gravy as the two belong together. Google - there's loads of it out there! Gary Rhodes is a good start as - along with being a TV chef - he has restaurants with Michelin stars and these denote the best restaurants in Europe.

English cuisine? I'd email you a portion of the pan-fried Sea Bass with lemon butter that I had tonight (caught it yesterday) but I've eaten it all...


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English English #101

by neilb@uk In reply to a reply to the revocation ...

jck - I know you're in a grumpy mood and I don't want to wind you up any more but your phrase doesn't quite ring true.

Describing something as "manky" is similar to describing it as gross or disgusting but without the full force of "gross". You would, for instance, describe my bathroom as "manky".

"Plonker" is yet another word for calling someone an idiot. It is also used to refer to one's ***** (or someone else's, if you don't have one).

The phrase "Manky plonker", then, would only be used to describe the male organ during certain types of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and, with my luck lately, chance would be a fine thing!


I will **** off, though. Going home in another hour and then out for beers, a Lamb Phal at closing time and its aftermath in the morning...

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by jck In reply to English English #101

"willie" was someone's unit

"plonker" was a playful term for "a**hole"

"manky" was gross

"wanker" was either someone's unit or a word of the same as "plonker" but a little more offensive

"numptie" was something like "plonker" but less offensive

Just thought I'd give what I thought I'd learned from my friends in the UK...maybe I misunderstood them...****...if you guys can't understand each other when you're from opposite corners, how can you expect me to being from across the pond?

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by Jellimonsta In reply to thought

Wanker= jack off (can be used to call someone a 'jack off' *offensive*)
Willie= P3cker
Plonker= P3cker (more playful, also more endearing term for calling someone a P3cker (see 'Only Fools and Horses))
Todger= P3cker
Knob= P3cker (also can be used to call someone a 'p3cker' (more offensive))

manky= gross
dodgey= gross (or broken)
knackered= tired (or broken)

There are a ton of slang words that are regional too though.

Post edited to try and fool the sensors :)

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yeah...I knew there were regional meanings..

by jck In reply to Terms

my buddy Steve in Newcastle told me about that.

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JCK: Just to add to Jellimonsta's very informative post

by neilb@uk In reply to thought

A ****** is a ***** and a big ***-**** will likely get your **** kicked. Calling someone a ******** isn't really offensive these days 'cos no-one knows that ***** used to mean ***.

It's very British to address your friends with insults and be scrupulously polite with your enemies. It's the tone that matters. When you get over here, follow your mates' lead. will get you started but some of the regional or more archaic expressions will get you looked at sideways.

Be selective!

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by Jellimonsta In reply to JCK: Just to add to Jelli ...

I actually wrote in words, but they must have considered the word *offensive* (p3ck3r) I thought I would get away with that one.
I almost pee'd my pants though when I re-read it after your post! :)

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