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Tuesday funnies - July 10, 2012

By PurpleSkys ·
Tags: Off Topic
Ten reasons you know you're living in 2009

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
10. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. :)

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Sure, Col! I believe you...really...

by wizard57m-cnet Moderator In reply to But But But

Here's one from my pharmacist persona...
You know why pharmacists tell their patients to always drink a
full glass of water when taking their Viagra?
You don't want the pill getting stuck in their throat or they
get a stiff neck!

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Another along those lines...

Ever wonder why they don't make "sublingual" Viagra?
(Sublingual is the dose form that dissolves under the tongue)
Yep, you guessed it...the patient would be sticking their tongue
out for 4 hours! Oh, and if it lasted longer than 4 hours, they
should consult medical help!

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Here's one for you mortar and pistil grinders, Mr. Wizard:

by hippiekarl In reply to Sure, Col! I believe you ...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over on Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where her parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".

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by PurpleSkys In reply to But But But
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So this lady's on the freeway in a convertible, with 3 penguins in the back

by hippiekarl In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

eating ice-cream cones. Cop pulls her over and says, "What do you think you're doing with these penguins?!" Lady says, We just went out for ice cream." The cop says, "Well, you'd better take them to the zoo *right now*!" She says , "Well, OK, officer...", and leaves. Next day, the cop sees the same lady in her car, with the penguins, and this time they're all wearing sunglasses....he pulls her off again, walks up, and says, "Lady---I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" She says, "I did!...Now, we're going to the beach!" (cleanest joke I know....)

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One more before Tuesday turns into Wednesday (for me anyway!)

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

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That reminds me of the 'Spielberg Moment' at the end of

by hippiekarl In reply to One more before Tuesday t ...

"Saving Private Ryan', where the mortally wounded Tom Hanks character plinks at a Tiger II battle tank with his .45 sidearm, and the tank explodes....

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At a Diplomatic Gala Dinner.....

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador

and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the

French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem

in comparison? What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"Hard penis! Just hard penis!" replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"

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reminds me of a t-shirt I saw once in my college days...
"A hard man is good to find"...

Anyhow, here's one I think you'll enjoy!

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

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