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Where is my Friday Yuk?

By JamesRL ·
Tags: Off Topic
OK so I'm not funny enough to be a good joke teller. But I am in desparate need of some cheering up. Please send along your jokes.

I am about to go on vacation, but had a really crappy customer interaction yesterday.

I will point out something ironic (depending on your definition).

Yesterday a Canadian won our countries first gold medal in horse jumping (Eric Lamaze). This Olympian came from a rough background, family addiction issues etc. He was kicked out of the sport for 2 Olympics for testing positive for cocaine, but has changed his life and come back from adversity.

Not to take anything away from his significant achievement (4 perfect rounds) but some of his major competitors were knocked out of the competition before it even began. Why? The horses failed the drug tests. They had been given pain killers before the team event earlier in the week. The bronze medalist team may lose their medal.

Is it ironic?


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by jdclyde In reply to Where is my Friday Yuk?

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

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by Ben "Iron" Damper In reply to Where is my Friday Yuk?

It was probably censored and then removed.

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Marriage quotes

by Jellimonsta In reply to Where is my Friday Yuk?

Well, considering it is my 10yr anniversay, I may as well post some marriage quotes.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

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New College Courses

by Jellimonsta In reply to Where is my Friday Yuk?

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

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How to deal with Aholes

by Jellimonsta In reply to Where is my Friday Yuk?

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole."

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later,right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$hole to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called a$$hole #1.


"You're an a$$hole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer our front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."

Then I called a$$hole # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello A$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.

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LOL. we're in the same circle

by Tink! In reply to How to deal with Aholes

of circulated emails! I remember that one from not too long ago. Funny!

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3 Years

by Jellimonsta In reply to LOL. we're in the same ci ...

I think I got it 3 years ago, but I find it hilarious so I posted it (I don't generally post jokes). :)

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3 YEARS - just goes to show ya

by Tink! In reply to 3 Years

that emails circulate FOREVER!

I know many people in my husband's circle of contacts get all worked up about Virus Alerts they receive. If they'd do a tiny bit of research they'd find out that they were hoaxes from the early 90's! <sigh>

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Everytime I get one of those...

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to 3 YEARS - just goes to sh ...

or any of the 'urban myths', I hit, and then reply to all with the link. Sooner or later I figure that has to get me off the mass mail list of the people that send it.

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Unfortunately more later than sooner

by Tink! In reply to Everytime I get one of th ...

I found out about snopes long ago because my dad's 2nd cousin did exactly that. I've tried it as well, but 1/2 the people still don't have a clue.

I have also replied back with the BCC bit, again - not much results.

<sigh> I guess that's why we're in IT and they're not!

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