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Bitter Co-Worker, What would you do?

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by gsg

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

Better yet, what can I get away with?

Here's the issue. I have a co-worker who was given a team leader position. I was on her team, and she was a great team leader. Then there were some promotions that happened at a higher level, and a person she was formerly good friends with, got a manager position. She was not qualified for the position, and didn't even apply for it, but was still mad.

Fast forward a year later, and she's lost her team leader position, and missed out on a promotion that she was qualified for due to attitude. Also, come to find out, as a team leader, she was supposed to tell all of us on her team that changes would be taking place, but she didn't, and set us up to be angry in a big meeting. I've smoothed over my part in this with the manager of the department, so all is good here.

Now, this person sits in her office with the door shut, and when I go to discuss business with her, she starts in on how everyone is out to get her, and she just knows we've been told not to talk to her. I still have to work closely with this person as our jobs overlap.

She's created all of this in her head, and there is no greater plot against her as she is saying, but she's making me, and everyone else around her miserable and trying to set us up for failure.

How would you handle this situation?

16 replies

by mjd420nova

I've seen this behaviour before and the person involved was a closet pain killer abuser. After realizing what was happening and getting the person the help they needed, their actions became more to the normal and resumed their climb up the corporate ladder.

by locrian_lyric

also a prescription abuser.

OR...

The person may be suffering from clinical depression, certainly paranoia.

by forum surfer

Leave a different one of those corny "leadership analogy posters" on her door every day. Sooner or later she'll laugh or smash your head in the office copier. If you can't poke fun at yourself you're too uptight. She's taking things a bit too personal. Someone should call her on it...not in the way I mentioned, but someone should talk to her from management or hr. Once you get caught up feeling like that it's easy to let it snowball until you have to quit or get fired/demoted. Usually brought on buy personal loss, depression or something along the lines of divorce/infidelity in my past experiences. I'm divorced yet pretty happy...but I've worked with many divorced guys/gals that were bitter about EVERYTHING that happened. They somehow lost the ability to shrug off negativity and get on with life. Lol, take her out for a drink or maybe try to get close enough to let her vent.

by oz_media

That's a good idea, maybe she ain't getting any? You can get pi$$ed, fix a PO'd employee and get laid all in one night. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it.

by forum surfer

So you like to take advantage of 'em while they're depressed and suffering from low self esteem? :) It does seem a little more personal and fun than offering counseling or professional help though...I guess you're just looking out for her well being, right?

by the scummy one

while not intentional, had a big issue often. Not a bad person, drug user or anything, just good intentions and bad luck.

Anyway, his co-workers had a daily cartoon of something that happened around the office. Just to bring up some laughs. This had been going on for years on the whiteboard. After my friend started working at this place, he was the one in the cartoon almost daily, with 'yesterdays episode'.
I found this out when we had a BBQ and a few of his co-workers came by. Lots 'o stories were told that eve...

by oz_media

She needs to get over her issues, bottom line. In order to work with you, she needs to put things aside and accept her position for what it is, which I am sure she is/can be good at and is valued for.

If she can't handle the fact that companies don't always do what the employees wants or deserves, then she shouldn't be there.

I would hit her head on with it, in a nice way. Put the blame on yoruself! This one always works, "Hey XXXXXXXX (fill her name in here, don't kiss her repeatedly)you seem really distant and not interested in working with me lately, did I screw up somewhere?"

or

"Have I done somethign to pi$$ you off? You seem really disinterested in workign with me now?"

These are ways to sound clueless and it will generally start dialogue where you can extract her true objections/feelings.

The other way, of course, is to just do your job and let her sink into unemployment. not as nice but sometimes that's the only way to work aroud people while trying to work with them.

by bizzo

"fill her name in here, don't kiss her repeatedly"

Thanks Oz, needed that :D

On my second call out tonight, nearly midnight and still have two servers to fix. :(

by forum surfer

when inside you're screaming "Hey, WTF is your major malfunction numb..." Sorry, I had a Full Metal Jacket flashback. I think everyon needs an R Lee Ermey on staff to help with problems and bring people back to the real world.

Seriously, it is better to act clueless and try to talk to the person so she would open up to you in this case. If she won't, you could talk to HR but I doubt they'll get anywhere anyway, and she might take that as a sign of betrayal.

Either way she's going to have to talk to somebody or just sink further in her downward spiral of depression until she's fired or working out of a cubicle in the supply closet trying to hold on to the red swingline stapler just one more day.

by gsg

Here's what I'm doing so far. First, she does seem clinically depressed. I've seen it before in others. However, that's a tricky thing to deal with. Rules as they are, I can't come out and say, you seem depressed, here see this psychologist.

I'm pretty much leaving her alone because she refuses to even speak with me unless it's completely business related and that's even hard to start. Apparently, I've joined the vast conspiracy against her.

The only thing that I can think of is that she's afraid. In a couple of months we will start replacing a system that she's been in charge of for 14 years. Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to learn something new, when they made the decision, her first thought was that she was going to be out of a job. In two years, the rest of that system is gone. Meanwhile, we're replacing another of her systems with a new model, and instead of working with me on this, I've had to take the whole project. She's feeling intimidated and fearful that she won't be needed any longer.

So, I'm just going to do my job, because she's stressing me out too much, and I can't take on her problems. I'll still treat her as always, but I'm not going to let myself get sucked in to her world.

I would like to tell her to grow up, suck it up, and just learn the new stuff, and quit whining. It may come to that.

by flowcom

Take her to lunch. Let her vent. Listen, listen, listen, for anything that could be showings sings of other things that may have triggered her change. Try to give advice or see if she want to see the "other side" view and offer her your support. She might need professional help. It will take time but she will come back to normal. Show her positive things!

by gsg

I've done that several times, and all it seems to do is make it worse because she now has me as an audience. She just can't seem to get out of this bad head space.

by beth blakely

Some people are just negative. All the time. Whether it be the result of drugs, lack of drugs, lack of whatever...

My advice is to keep everything as business-like as possible. Just the facts, m'am. Don't entertain her negative ramblings or conspiracy theories, 'cause they'll go on forever but never lead anywhere but out the door.

And, as my Momma says, "keep yer nose clean," and don't let her drag you down with her.

by oz_media

That's it, honey, yeah ,you're awesome! Wow, that's great, don't stop, you're fantastic, keep going, keep going, you make me feel like a king, yeah baby, yeah baby, yeah baby, don't stop, don't stop!

Phew, wow, that was really something, you're good at that! Same time next week?

by arignote

Some of my former co-workers had the same issues as your friend. One was on anti-depressants. I dismissed some of their complaints until I found myself in a similar situation to what the ex-employees had told me. I went between closing my door, trying to figure out why I had suddenly become so ineffective, venting to my co-workers, and seeing a lawyer. What I found, was by venting I got several other employees in similar situations to talk to me. It amounted to workplace bullying. I found that the pattern of bullying seem to escalate a few years ago and was the doing of two managers and one of their subordinate managers. Unfortunately they were backed by HR and complaints to upper management did no good. Fortunately two of the managers are no-longer here, and one has been demoted so he doesn?t supervise anyone.

The legacy of all this is half of the staff were hiding in their offices, many took or are taking early retirement, most are looking for other employment. One of my coworkers is suing.

My advice for your friend -
Document everything. We got this advice from a lawyer and another manager.
Figure out her long-term goals
Find another job or another manager

My advice for you ?
Make sure you don?t have blinders on. Your friend may be paranoid. Or you may not notice a pattern at work.

by gsg

I've been in a meeting with her, and she'll see things as a slight, and they weren't directed at her in any way, shape, or form. Because our jobs overlap, I see a lot of things first hand, and while she's right on one or two things, I see that she brought a lot of this on herself. I also have lots of people that come and talk to me, because I tend to keep things to myself, and I'm not the only person who's noticed the issues.

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